Reflections

I have often wondered how the Lung Cancer will end my Life...I don't have a bad cough and I don't have trouble breathing. Most of my problems seem to emerge from the Chemo and Radiation treatments. Fatigue and pain.

The past few weeks I have been really, really tired and I have a lot of muscular pain. I have to eat constantly to maintain my weight. I take one or two naps each day and wake-up with a lot of soreness. It is as if I am sleeping on a concrete cot with another slab of concrete covering me. Soreness.

I have asked a few Doctors and nurses how a person dies with this disease and they just don't know. The standard reply is that "everybody is different"; however, the actual passing is not understood. I believe the body just gives out. From all of the treatment? Or, is it the cancer that is growing and spreading and the body just can't fight anymore and so gives out?

I do know that when I lie down at night (usually at 4 am), I can expect to wake up once or twice during the night because I am in pain or because I have had some acid reflux and find it hard to breathe because my esophagus is burning and I am coughing. I drink some water and then some tea and walk around for a bit. It wears me out. Then I go back to bed and when I awake again I am still tired and in pain. The pain medication helps a little bit, but I don't take it that much unless my feet are really hurting and I want to go for a walk. Of course, I take it in the evening and also when I go to bed.

I think that some night I will just lie down and not wake up. I used to think it would be a coughing fit or a sleep apnea...I don't think that anymore because those things always woke me up and I dealt with them. No, I think that some night I will fall asleep and my body will just say, "I can't go anymore."

I'm worried. I trust in the Lord. I have never prayed for a Healing. I have prayed for strength and patience and understanding. I have prayed for others. I have prayed that I will be well enough to return to work. I have prayed that I will have the strength to go Clowning!

I enjoy Life and the Lord always gives me the opportunity to Smile and the strength to endure. I am not afraid of death, though I don't look forward to it! But, I know that it is a fact of Life and if it wasn't the Cancer, it would be something else. I just don't think about it that much. Except for the last few days. Because I am starting to lose interest in things, in moments. I try to find things to be interested in...I look for new music, shows, people...nothing. I go out and go to the park and try to reflect on Nature...nothing. When this first started I went to the park a lot. I went visiting a lot. It was always an adventure. It was always a Joy. But, now, it seems to be a task. I need to eat and rest and gain some weight. I don't want to rest. But, then again, it is a chore to move.

I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and the tide will have turned. That I will have begun to gain weight and get my energy and my interest back. I keep waiting. Patiently.

I think I will try to take the next week off and just rest and go for an short walk each evening. I have so much to do....but, I just can't do it...

Well, I just had to put down these thoughts because I know that this Cancer journey is full of unknowns and people that blog about it are useful to those who have a desire to understand...to try to see how to cope...to try to get a handle on what might be coming next.

I know that when I first started Chemo in January of 2012, that I thought it was the biggest battle of my life and the hardest. I remember how miserable I felt and yet I was able to stick on my Red Clown Nose and go out and Laugh with the world and share smiles. I want to do that again...

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure...!

Tired of Fatigue

                                         Caricature by Russ Hogle aka Cartoona Matata


Now that I am finished with my Chemo it is possible that some of the side-effects will begin to subside. People have noticed recently that I am walking different--almost limping. That is because of the peripheral neuropathy. My feet hurt mainly on the soles. Wearing socks makes it feel like I am walking on glass. I have several pairs of shoes and vary them in an attempt to find the right ones for walking. It is different every day. Some shoes work sometimes and, at other times, they don't. Since it has been warming-up outside, I tried my sandals. They felt great! I may start wearing them although my toes look like my fingers in that they look like they have been smashed by a hammer. The nails are brown and bruised and they FEEL like they have been smashed. In fact, the only reason I take my painkiller is to be able to tolerate and to be able to walk. I usually wait until the pain becomes unbearable. Sometimes the interval between medication is 2-3 hours and sometimes I can go up to 7 hours.

I haven't lost any weight but my muscle mass is gone. Originally I approached all of this as an athlete would prepare for a game or event. I would go for long walks and I would exercise a lot by doing sit-ups and push ups and isometric exercises. But, since the Chemo would attack fast-growing cells or shut down my metabolism if I did too much, I had to severely limit my activity. I am currently trying basic yoga. I was at the Radiation Oncologist for a CT to determine where the radiation would be targeted and I had to hold my arms over my head. I noticed that my muscles were really tight. So, I believe that by doing some Yoga will help me to get my body more limber.

As to the Fatigue...well, that is another problem. The effects of the Radiation treatments will be some fatigue !  And, I have been extremely Fatigued, Tired, Worn-out, etc. for 16 months now ! I have had B-12 shots, I take folic acid and extra B-complex supplements, I eat liver and onions and spinach and kippers and boiled eggs and sardines. I take short rests/naps and try to take it easy. But, I usually end-up trying to do too much or forgetting to take a break. I try to fight through the Fatigue. Not a good strategy. The last few nights, when I am going to bed, I have been so worn-out that it seems that if I go to sleep that I will stop breathing. I lie down and listen to my mp3 player (podcasts and OTR). As soon as I began to relax my lungs and heart seem to interpret this as the time to shut off. I have to get back up and move around. I then go play with Tinkerbelle the Cat and drink some juice or SoBe and sit for a while. I am so conscious of this over-whelming fatigue that it has become an obsession with no solution.

I had a burst of energy yesterday afternoon for the first time in a long time. So, maybe the fatigue is beginning to go away...but, the Radiation may bring it back. I'll just have to see. It will be a bummer but I have come this far and I won't let it get me. I just need to remind myself to take breaks and lie down (which does help) and then try some yoga.

I will be having 30 treatments of radiation over 6 weeks. Starting Monday the 3rd of June.

Saturday there is a Parade in Troy and if I can get a ride I would like to participate...even if it is on the sidelines.

Last week I went to the Circus and had a swell time and am preparing a post to talk about it...

I may be stumbling...but, Life is Good, Life is an Adventure !!!!

The Right Word

Last year, when I was trying to discover a way to describe my peripheral neuropathy, I struggled for 9 months or more with terms such as "tingling", "numbness", "stabbing" and "burning". While I was outside one evening looking at the constellations in the sky, I noticed that my feet were getting cold--as well as my hands. It hit me then. The feeling you get when your feet begin to freeze because you have been standing in the snow too long. That is the exact condition that I felt in my feet with the neuropathy!! Your feet hurt and burn and tingle...yet, they are also numb!

So it is when trying to figure out what I could use to describe the extreme lack of energy that I have experienced with this new round of Chemo. "Tired" doesn't do justice. I felt an over-whelming tiredness during my First round of Chemo drugs: Carbo/Taxol. My joints hurt and I felt as if I had an unending case of the Flu. A really, really bad case of the Flu ! I was tired all of the time but it wasn't debilitating, wasn't keeping me from going for long walks or running errands or visiting friends. I was simply worn-out most of the time.

The Second Chemotherapy, Alimta, had a decidedly different story. I was tired all of the time. When I did too much physical activity, I reached the edge of collapse. I learned to pace myself. I began each day with case of fatigue. I would eat a boiled egg and drink a glass of grapefruit juice, take my folic acid and a B12 capsule (the nurse would also give me a whopping shot of B12 before each treatment) and a small little pill of Folic Acid. I would drink a cup of coffee and go out to greet the day. I am certain that the boiled egg gave me 4-5 hours of stamina. I learned fairly quickly through experience and, also, searching the Internet that increasing activity would run me over--run me down like a bad car battery. I asked my oncologist and he said that the Alimta worked by shutting down my metabolism whenever my cells began requesting nutrients. So, I was able to dodge collapse and deal with the energy highs and lows.

Along comes this Third Chemo...I had read where the Taxotere would cause Fatigue. Well, isn't that what the Alimta did? I figured that I could deal with that--but, No! This was different. I had already been able to start back to work (driving a shuttle/car a couple of days per week) and I asked my Dr. if I would be able to continue doing it. "Probably not," he said. "You will be very tired."
"I was tired with the Alimta," I begged.
"This is different. Your blood counts will change. They will have to be monitored closely," he explained. "You will be very tired."
A bit flippantly I shot back, "Well, I don't see how it could be worse than the Alimta!"

Wrong! This so, so much worse. In fact, I have spent whole days in bed. Sometimes I get up and have a boiled egg, grapefruit juice---the whole regimen, then shuffle to my laptop to check my email only to find that I can barely log in and open the first message. If I manage to open an email I am never able to respond to it. I turn off the computer (not even logging-out most times) and wade through the tiredness back to the living room where I plop down in my chair and turn on the TV. I change the channel 3 times with no luck finding any substance worth viewing, turn off the TV and go back to bed. Ad infinitum.

"Energy" is a term I was using often. Energy--where is it? Energy--how can I get some? Energy--I need it!! I didn't even have the energy to search for ways to increase mine. I couldn't go to the computer for help. I couldn't describe the dilemma either. I could only state that I was out of energy, but I knew that I wasn't! I had energy, motivation, goals, direction. What was I experiencing? It wasn't Tiredness (as in First Chemo). It wasn't Fatigue (as in Second Chemo). What the heck was it.

I consulted the Oracle: MyOncologist. He nodded his head...knowingly...with a slight smile...an understanding. "I see you are experiencing a lot of Weakness. It is the Chemotherapy. Most people cannot tolerate it for very long."

Eureka !  Weakness ! I was never so happy in my life so as to be thought of as a Weak Person! Hallelujah!  I am Weak. I am Weak! Hear me roar (well, not roar but I can mouth the word with a determined look of glee and fire). Weakness is exactly the word that described the condition my condition was in. I didn't feel tired or on the verge of collapse. I just couldn't do what I wanted to do, which was Anything!  So, problem solved yet no solution. My blood levels were still in the normal range but they were teetering to their upper and lower limits and there was nothing to do about it.

I had a Birthday Party to attend last Saturday and I fixed myself some liver and onions with yams on Friday. Liver has B12 and iron and yams usually enhance the redness of my hair--though I have lost my hair again this time around.

I made it to the party and twisted balloons for a time until I felt my legs turning to wood and my feet feeling like fire. I walked around the birthday-cake table, all the while the children were encircling me and following me while tugging at my coat and hollering, "Make me a Dog", "Giraffe", "Sword", "Flower"! I would make a balloon, joke with the child, ask their names, walk around the table, honk my clown horn and then make more balloons. I had a lot of fun.

When I got home, I re-heated some liver sans yams in the microwave and sat down for some TV. After awhile, I got up to put my plate in the sink and found that I could hardly walk. My wife asked if I was going to take off my clown make-up. "After awhile," I said, though I knowingly was thinking that I might leave it on all week because I was afraid I would be to weak to ever clown again and I wanted to have my make-up still on should a situation come up where I could run out and do some more clowning. I alternated watching TV and struggling out of my chair to grab some Jelly Beans for several hours before I finally gave in and removed the clown face.

My left leg was swollen and my feet were burning and I stayed up all nite wondering if I would be able to get back out of bed should I decided to go there. Well, I did and I did and last nite I took a short walk on the sidewalk out front. I walked about 20 yards and then gave up. But, when I got back inside, my lungs felt full and clear and the stiffness in my legs was leaving and my feet felt looser, more relaxed. I am making myself a promise to take increasingly walks every day. I told my wife she would have to walk with me so that I would be assured of making it back home. I am hoping that this will be a solution to easing myself through this round of Chemo. I know that I will be weaker and weaker. The walking should keep my muscles fluid and my lungs busy and clear, though. I am very optimistic that I can wade through this weakness until the Oncologist stops the treatment.

Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!

I've come this far...

Back when I was diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV in January, 2012 I briefly entertained the thought that it would be my last summer and that it would be a safe bet that I might not live to see another Christmas...but, I quickly told myself to stop thinking about such backward, negative things. I have made it this far and so be it.

                                     My good friend, Santa...I'll put in a good word for you!

I went back to Work a few weeks ago! I am working 2-3 days a week and it is going pretty good. They are very accommodating. I don't use my condition to slack-off, and they keep an eye on me to make sure that I don't over-do things or falter. It mainly involves light janitorial duties and driving a shuttle (car or van---not a spaceship!).
The other morning my car wouldn't start when my shift was over so I had to get a jump. On the way home I dropped the car off at the local mechanic which is just 3 or 4 blocks from my house/domicile. I decided I would walk home even though I had just finished an 8 hour shift. One thing I neglected to factor in, though, was that I had a hill to climb. So, I started up the hill and halfway into my trek, my legs gave out. It felt as if I had just finished a 26 mile marathon. I wasn't out of breath. My legs just felt overly tired and ready to buckle. I continued on and when I reached the top of the hill where it was level ground, I felt better. I could see a park bench (there is a park on the way) and I decided to try to make a landing on it. I felt that if I were to collapse that, even though it was 27 degrees Fahrenheit and  a lot of frost on the ground, the landing would be a bit softer than sidewalk concrete.
My phone began to ring. I soldiered on. Made it to the park bench and rested a few minutes before calling my wife (who had been ringing me). I told about my predicament and let her know that I would continue my journey as soon as I recovered well enough.
My chemo, the Alimta, works in the manner of starving cells that ask for nutrients. The Hill was over the limit of my apportioned energy. I waited 20 minutes, drank a bottle of SoBe Lifewater,  and, then continued my way home, knowing that should I collapse that it was rush-hour and, this being a small community, that someone would notice me and come to the rescue.
I made it home.
I had experienced the effects of the Alimta before when I was raking leaves, trimming trees, painting the house or climbing on the roof to clean the gutters. I had learned to pace myself. Of course, climbing the hill was a foolish learning experience. As I said, I wasn't out of breath and my heart rate did not go up. It is just that Fatigue sets in rapidly and the recovery time is lengthy.
Aside from that incident, I am doing pretty well. I have a severe, irritating pain in my neck that concerns me but I am not worried---just snappy and agitated. I have a PET scan scheduled for the 27th of December to see if any cancer has come back. The pain is in the same place at the crook of my neck and collar bone/shoulder that I had the neck tumor. And the lung tumor radiated pain to the same place and also to my shoulder. But, this may be a pinched nerve from driving so much. I have been trying to analyze my driving habits to see if I can prevent it. I seem to be able to move my neck fairly normally, but, occasionally I get a sharp stabbing pain that jerks me low. And, the pain is also a chronic, sharp nuisance consistently. My pain medication helps, but I try not to take any until the pain is absolutely, overwhelmingly an activity stopper. Even then, the medication only brings the pain down to a dull roar.
I say that it doesn't worry me--because it doesn't. It just makes me angry that I can't enjoy my normalcy!  The only thing that I am on guard about at this point is the cancer coming back and spreading to the brain. I don't care if it returns and spreads to the liver or kidneys or bone or somewheres (sic) else...I just don't want it after my brain because I need my mind to enjoy a good book or podcast or sight gag !
Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I need to start on my cards and shopping. No procrastinating!
I have some clown gigs coming up this week and, of course, work. It's nice to be back in the swing of things. Back in the thick of it. I want to devote more time to some Mars stuff, too. Tech Fest is coming up in February and I also want to give some presentations at the Library. So much to do. I will pace myself...
Also, I am attending a Bible Study about Intercessory prayer...we are involved with a book called, of course, Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets. It is an extremely interesting, insightful and inspiring read. Prayer is a very important part of my life and always has been. And, Intercessory prayer is so important. Too often we might be overly concerned with our own problems and neglect some other areas. Praying for goodwill and blessings for others...praying for understanding and guidance...praying the right path and the right knowledge. I have always felt that constant dialogue with God and communication leads to more satisfying prayers. This Bible study sheds light on mediation and meetings and representation. It is an opportunity to be aware of, not just the theological attitude of prayer, but also the understanding that prayer is such a spiritual journey.
Monday I will be clowning around for the Rotary Springfield Christmas banquet for 140 children with multiple disabilities. I have been attending for 5 or 6 years and it is a wonderful time. Several clowns from our Alley will be there and we really have a lot of fun!
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Twisting...balloons !

Went to the Holiday Open House at Wright State University for A Special Wish Foundation, Dayton, Ohio. Vanngo went with me, her sister, Linda drove her there. Our clown alley, Giggles and Grins, provides clowns for the annual event. Alto did a Magic Show and I saw Mickey, Sparklelee, and Lullabelle doing face-painting. Zilcho was twisting balloons. Plucky, Tindy Ducks and a few more clowns were wandering about. It was an awesome time. A Special Wish is a great organization and does a lot of events and grants many special wishes through the year. You can learn more about it here:  A Special Wish .

Vanngo did a very good job of handing Yo-You balloons to the children and blowing a loud horn and announcing the arrival of a "Princess" whenever I made a Princess Wand balloon for one of the girls. I also made hats and alien swords and dogs.

                                                       Vanngo and Careful

                                                     Alvin and the Chipmunks

                                                                    3 Clowns

I have been doing pretty good, feeling more normal. I am still tired a lot and get fatigued, but I am learning to pace myself. One thing though, I have been practicing driving a car again--after a year of no driving, and have noticed that when I do a lot of physical activity (I have been attempting to exercise more), even though I pace myself so as not to be fatigued to the point of collapse, I end-up with sore muscles that take several days to go away. It used to be that I could chalk that up to the age process. It seems more likely to be a combo of aging and chemo.

I made myself some liver and onions yesterday. I prepared the meal the way my mother used to make it. Caramelize the onions with butter and sugar and then lightly flour the liver and fry it in some butter. It came out really tasty. I hope the iron and nutrients that the liver and onions provide will help repair my sore joints and muscles. Although, the mechanism of the Alimta is to starve the cells that ask for nutrients.

I have noticed that I have lost several inches from my waistline. I haven't weighed myself lately, but my last visit to the Oncologist showed that I weighed 161 which has held steady since February. I weighed 180+ going into this whole ordeal, had a robust belly which I could do without. So, getting down to 160 or so is not a bad thing. I graduated High School weighing 158 ! Of course, I fear I may be losing some muscle mass. I will have to ask the Doctor how my body is supposed to repair and replenish itself when the order of the Chemo is to deny it !

So, everything is going smoothly. My next event is in December. Our alley provides clowns for a Rotary Christmas Banquet for Special Needs children in Springfield. It is also a fine time and a lot of fun!

Life is good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Still Clowning

I was invited to the summer picnic at AmVets Post 148 last Saturday. It was the second or third time that I had the pleasure of clowning at their event. It was great fun and I had the chance to wear my new clown outfit.

The E-Girls, Susan and Linda, have been hard at work making me this outfit. It has been a labor of Love ! I love the color orange, so it was a nice surprise. The first time that I tried it on and looked in the mirror, it made me smile and laugh. I am used to being a Tramp/hobo/misfit character. Some clowns have even said that I am a bit of an Auguste. But, this new outfit seems to change my character's personality a wee bit. It makes me somewhat sillier. With my other outfits that are a hodgepodge of tuxedo or bright sportcoats, I feel gruff. I enjoy arguing with the children. I have an "invisible dog" leash with a wig attached to it and the kids are always wondering if it is a real dog or not. So, that is always a point of contention. And, I have a mouse and a monkey in a blanket and they always want to know if they are real... Also, whenever a child requests a spaceship balloon or dinosaur or penguin, etc., I like to tell them that when I was attending the Klown Kollege of Komedy Knowledge that I wasn't feeling well the day they had the balloon classes and never learned how to make the different balloon animals and sculptures! Then, I proceed to make an Alien Sword or Princess Wand and try to force it on them. If they continue to insist on a particular balloon, though, I go ahead and make it! It's just that a part of my character entertains through interaction and a lot of the kids like to be vocal and silly. So, the banter is a big part of my act.

When I wore the new outfit, I wondered how it would manifest itself in my entertainment. It did make me a lot more playful and silly. I will be watching to see how my character evolves as I wear the new outfit. Since I look for every opportunity to clown around, I usually am wearing some clownish clothes and a hat and my red nose. I will save the new outfit for "official" gigs, I guess.

I was at the picnic for nearly two hours and all was fun and it didn't seem to tire me out. However, these past few days since my Chemo have been full of fatigue. I think that the Alimta must prevent my body from replenishing itself with energy, protein, carbos and calories if I have exerted myself with too much strenuous activity. If I am re-arranging things around the house or trying to do some repairs or painting there comes a point (usually after 20 to 45 minutes) when I just can't do any more. When I have exerted myself and used-up some energy, I am completely done! The only thing I can do is lie down for a few hours and let my body replenish itself gradually. It is frustrating, for sure.

Then, Monday nite I had problems with my allergies (ragweed, etc.) and when I went to bed I awoke a few hours later and was drowning. My system was manufacturing so much phlegm in reaction to the allergies and it was pouring into my lungs and I couldn't catch a breath. I got up and had some warm liquids and coughed and coughed and blew my nose constantly for an hour in a feeble attempt to breathe. I thought I was going to have to wake my wife and have her take me to the ER. In the end, I sat in my recliner and drank warm liquids and finally fell asleep for awhile.

I have asked the Drs. and looked for answers online to see how this all will end. I don't think about Cancer anymore...haven't for quite some time. My overwhelming thoughts are taken over by the effects of the Chemo and the extreme fatigue that it proffers. But, when I have an episode like the allergies or when I felt that I was getting a cold and worried that it would turn into pneumonia, I think of Death. We all have to die sometime and it could happen in an accident or a heart attack without warning...I know all that. It is just that when you have a diagnosis of Stage IV cancer, you know that your time is limited and you wonder it the end will be with a lot of cancer pain or eating away or organs failing--or what?  I surmise that my time will end somewhat peacefully due to pneumonia or an inability to breathe due to allergies and lung congestion. I guess I should talk to my oncologist to see if there is a way to prevent that!

Anyway, I am glad I was able to clown around at the picnic and it didn't tire me out ! I really want to do more if I can find a way to circumvent this energy-draining thing. If I can just get to a point where I know which days I will be normal and energized. I know that the first few days (this time it has been a lot longer, maybe I need to stop trying so hard!) are rough but I usually get back to normal by the second week.

Well, Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

2nd Round of Chemo--Alimta

Well, I had my second round of Alimta on Friday. It went well and faster, too. Last time it took 4 hours but this time it was only 2 hours ! That's an improvement. I looked at my blog from the 1st Alimta and I couldn't get any sleep for a couple of days. This time, I have laid down twice for a couple of hours and couldn't sleep--so I guess that is normal.The lack of sleep is because of the steroids they give me before and after the treatment that is to prevent a rash. I had a rash for several days before this last treatment. On my shoulder and then my back. The medicine apparently works right up until the next treatment.
I also felt like my head was warm, like a fever, but I checked and I didn't have a fever. I started feeling flu-like symptoms but they didn't last long. The extreme fatigue hasn't set in yet, but I imagine that it will by tomorrow evening. I will have to pace myself and watch out for it. It usually lasts for 4-5 days, I think. And then I feel pretty normal.

A woman from the church, Brenda, gave me a ride to my Oncologist on Thursday and then took me to my Chemo on Friday. I am so blessed to belong to a church that can help me with transportation when I need it. My wife has an irratic work schedule so she is not always available.
While I was receiving my Chemo, Marty the Clown stopped by and brought me a really cool shirt...clown shirt...one that squeaks...check it out:

                                      --------> click for video New Shirt

My next Chemo will be on August 31. I need to start looking for some part-time work. I wasn't able to work during my first round of Chemo this year (6 months) because it really laid me low. And, although I kept a good attitude, I know that it was in the back of my mind that things could go horribly wrong...that it could get away from me. I never got depressed, but I came close a few times. Cancer is a strong determinant of how you think about your life. I just kept praying for others and telling God that I was ready to go where ever he had a plan for me. Whether it was to stay on this Earth or to be in Heaven...or to Go to Mars !  Anyway, I made it through the first 6 months of this year and, originally, I thought I might not make it through the Summer. Now, I am hoping to make it to Christmas. According to my Doctors, I have responded well to the Chemo so far and have a good chance of going 4 or 5 more years. But, I will leave that to the Lord. I won't quit, I won't back down, but I will accept whatever comes my way...
I have been fortunate to enjoy a lot of Clowning so far this year. Most of it Volunteer or simply going out and sharing the Smiles. While I am looking for work, I will continue looking for Clown gigs and also volunteer wherever I am needed to do some clowning.
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!!

My Kingdom for a Nap

This new Chemo drug is a wee bit less than the other Chemo treatments. Whenever I would come home from the previous plan, I would feel fairly normal for a couple of days and would have various stabbing pains and aches...then, I would start feeling tired and would try to live life normally and be mildly amused by the pricks of pain as the drugs roamed in my body, zapping cells that seemed suspicious. This new drug, Alimta, mostly hands me extreme fatigue. I can get going, but I can't keep going. I feel so drained, even though they gave me B-12, folic acid, and steroids. My appetitite is still fine. A difference in the fatigue, though, is that it is unrelenting. Since Friday, I have tried to get some sleep--or even take a nap. I lie down and try to listen to podcasts (the usual: Bob and Ray, Writers and Company, Jack Benny, Laugh out Loud, et. al.). I may doze for a few minutes or even an hour, but I don't feel the satisfaction of a Rest. There is no rejuvenating REM's or warmth of a re-charge. I wake up just as tired and uncomfortable as when I first lay down.
This evening, though, I slept for about 3 hours and actually felt some relief ! And, then, my wife and I watched the season opener of Warehouse 13 on Scy-fy and I fell asleep in the last 5 minutes of the show. But, woke after 20 minutes and was mildly refreshed. So, maybe I will be able to handle some of  these side effects with the Alimta.
I have gotten out and about and have done some housework and even tried to do some yardwork. But, I get so tired so quickly, that I can't sustain much activity. Maybe now that I am getting some refreshing naps I will begin to get some semblance of energy. There are some clowning things I want to do this week and I am going to try to do them. Seems like in the last couple of months, whenever I have lined-up 3 or 4 major activities in a week, I can usually do at least 2 of them. We'll see--and I will try to perservere!
My Hair is roaring back ! I was fairly used to my bald pate and everyone else seemed to enjoy it. When you are bald, you have no limit on hats and wigs and funny stuff to put on your head ! A side effect of this new drug is possible hair loss so it might be two steps forward and one step back. Who knows? Anybody? I have been shaving every day for the last couple of weeks also. All I need is for my voice to start changing and it will be like going through a second Puberty ! I am actually getting some acne, too.
Here is a picture from a Block Party in Fairborn in 2009. I was walking a Premonition of my fallen hair! People would come up and say, "That's not a real dog !"  To which I always reply, "Of course it is and his name is JoJo!"  Relenting later, I would confess that it was my Hamster named JoeJoe and he was disguised as a dog so the cats wouldn't go for him !

I have been reading some forums and following some more Cancer blogs. It is hard to pay attention to all of them, but I try. I try to learn from them--at least compare my experience. One blog, in particular, that I read is by SK, a man from Malaysia.His Blog--Living With Lung Cancer He has an amazing faith in the Lord and a lot of good information and insight. Keep him in your prayers and send him an email--or at least some good vibes. Knowing that there are people out there, no matter how remote, that care and acknowledge you, means a lot. This is a lonely journey--make no mistake about it !

I receive a lot of support from family and friends....and, no matter how social I try to be and how much I try to stay focused or happy or whatever, it still feels like this battle is so personal and mysterious that it can only be fought alone. The Lord heals. The doctors treat. The people around me help out in amazing ways. In the final analysis, the thought process is always on guard, alert, watching and waiting. The brain cells listening for any sign of redemption. Any pain or ache or discomfort is merely a sign of cancer--a given. What I watch for is normalcy---continued normalcy. There are patterns of fatigue and sickness and pain. But, I watch for a pattern of normalcy. If I do this, will I have energy? If I eat this will I feel better? If I go for a walk and smile at someone, will I feel a glow inside?

The Cancer seems as if it can act without reason or retribution. If it is knocked down, it doesn't seem to care because it knows it is always a threat to you and no matter how weak or strong you might feel, it can come back and attack you at anytime. I can ignore it and keep on keeping on, which I mostly do...but it is a constant nag. It is the opposite of how one lives a life. We mostly notice when we don't feel well. With cancer, I know that I am not well and that doesn't bother me. What I am watching for is feeling Normal. It is an odd turn of events and it takes some concentration. Is this a normal feeling? Will it last?

Anyway, this round of Chemo seems to be going well. My Red Nose is still on straight and my smile is as big as ever ! I feel strong and I feel Happy.

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

The Good Bad and Better

This installment is in two parts...the first part is a recount of the past few days and the effects of Chemo. When I started to evolve this blog into my Cancer Blog, it was to show what a person goes through when they are diagnosed and then treated. I didn't know what to expect and found a few blogs online, although I imagine there are hundreds. I had some friends who either went through this or had a loved one go through this and they were very helpful. So, I wanted to document my experience in hopes that it would help someone else out there to get to know what to expect and how I have been dealing with it.

The second part of this installment will be a recap of our Clown Alley's Birthday Party, so skip to Part Two if you don't want to hear about my tribulations of the past few days...

Part One -- I shoulda slowed down

After my last round of Chemo, I felt pretty good. I knew that I had a couple of days before the side effects usually kick in and I got to do some clowning around. I clowned on Saturday for the local Amvets 148 and then went uptown and, basically, handed out stickers and let people take my picture and visited some businesses to share some smiles. I started to get tired so I relaxed Saturday nite and most of Sunday. On Monday I tried to do some walking and socializing and began to feel some joint pain and fatigue. Tuesday brought more fatigue but I was looking forward to the Alley Birthday Party so I picked out an outfit and went to the Gala.

On Wednesday, I waited until I felt fairly strong and then went to visit some friends for awhile. I had driven my car uptown because I am still trying to sell it and planned to walk back home. When it was time to get home I started walking and the joint pain started really acting up. Also, my left foot decided that it didn't want to cooperate so I was afraid I would stumble and fall. I began to lose energy and called my wife to come and get me. I was only two long blocks from home but I didn't feel that I could make it. I stayed in the rest of the nite and tried to eat something and rest.

Thursday I awoke and was doing fine. My wife had to go to the store and I was doing all right when all of a sudden I began getting abdominal cramps. I was super constipated. I spent the next two hours trying to get some relief. I have a bad back, also, so the constipation and cramping aggravated my lower back and hips. I couldn't stand, sit, walk or lie down. I called my wife and asked her to pick me up some Fleet suppositories. I  have never used them so I called some friends and asked about them. When my wife got home I tried one and lay down but couldn't get comfortable. The pain kept getting unbearable. I called Urgent Care here in town and talked to someone who was very nice and helpful. They said to go to the emergency room in Huber Heights if I couldn't get relief. I was panicking and having trouble breathing and was in distress. My wife was able to call my oncologist and talk to him. He told her to pick up some Magnesium Citrate and I was able to talk to him for a few minutes, although I don't remember the conversation. I just remember that he was able to reassure me, which was what I needed. Finally, I was able to lie down--mainly out of exhaustion and surrender. I slept for awhile and when I awoke, the cramps returned and after what seemed like forever I was able to get some relief. I am still exhausted and the joint pain and peripheral neuropathy are present but I am able to sit up. For the next few days I am going to drink a lot of water and eat some clear soup and maybe jello. My appetite has been good but I need to watch out about eating solid foods. The constipation is opiate-induced and although I was doing pretty good, we had bought a ham loaf and I was eating everything that I got hungry for. The last couple of weeks I have had a bitter taste in my mouth and nothing has tasted that good, but I have been trying different foods to see if I get my taste buds back in line.

So, for now, I have some relief and am going to take it easy for awhile. I was supposed to volunteer at the library this past Wednesday, but I knew that I had been pushing it too far. I need to concentrate on more moderate exercise and not do too much for now. I don't want to completely relax, but I have to show some common sense, I guess !

Part Two -- The Party

To socialize with a group of Clowns is a very satisfying and exciting event. I was really looking forward to this year's Party !

Stan the Magic Man was the evening's entertainment. Stan is a retired Sheriff's deputy and he peppers his magic show with inspirational and motivational messages. One bit that I particularly liked was when he asked for a volunteer (Mickey's daughter, Scooter) and showed an oversized box of playing cards and asked her if she liked card tricks. He then proceeded to pull a rope from the box and say, "Sorry, this is a rope trick!"
It was great to see so many clowns. I am pretty tired right now and am going to lie down, but I will post a few pictures and then continue this blog tomorrow...

Zilcho

Sparklelee

Buttons

Feel N Lucky

Folly, Plucky, Micky, Buttons

Until tomorrow...Life is good, Life is an Adventure !

Pushing Through

I have another wig...found it in the laundry room...don't like the color, though...my friends Suzi and John suggest that I soak it in beet juice for a pretty pink...or lavendar. I need to style it also...or add some accessories.

This past week has been all right. The first chemo gave me side effects for 3 days...mainly flu-like and different pains. This time it was mainly fatigue and has lasted 5 days so far. I visit some friends,Gary and Susan nearly every day and my knee joints have been aching. I haven't walked much because of the cold weather, but Thursday I walked back home from their house (about 1/2 mile). I thought I wouldn't make it because of the fatigue. The knees stopped hurting after the first two blocks and continued to be fine all evening. Walking is a good exercise as it seems to lessen most all of the pains. They bounce back, but the exercise certainly helps. Today I noticed the fatigue abating. I usually keep a list of things to do-- mainly menial, but important, stuff like: phone calls, housework, organizing bills and the messes I have in my rooms--what with all of the clown stuff and books and what-have-you. All week I was only able to do 2 or 3 things while today I felt more energy and made a lot of phone calls and housework, etc.  

I have a place on my left wrist that has been bothering me for several days. I think it is where they had an IV in me. There is no bruising or redness at all and the pain feels like when you bump your wrist bone hard on something. It's a nuisance. My bald head feels cold and sweats a lot. I tried running an electric shaver over it but gave up because I found it too funny for some reason. It seems like I haven't had to shave my face although I have tried. I don't know if I am cutting the whiskers with the razor or just knocking them off !

I am going to get out my bag of lost hair this weekend and fashion a dozen or so moustaches. What fun! Wigs, stick-on mustaches, red noses...I may be turning into Mr. Potato Head !!

It's been pretty windy...too windy...well, it is March !  But, I received a remote-controlled pigeon with flapping wings and great bird chirpings that I haven't been able to play with ! Patience, Pigeon !

I didn't have much of an appetite all week but I have been eating well. At least I don't get nausea.

I have an inflatable saxophone that I need to assemble this week also. I have plenty of sheet music around the house. The saxophone is lime green and I hope to practice with it and be able to perform a 3-4 minute song...jazz/swing/bebop...with a phantom 6-piece combo...I will,of course, post a video.

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!