The past few weeks I have been really, really tired and I have a lot of muscular pain. I have to eat constantly to maintain my weight. I take one or two naps each day and wake-up with a lot of soreness. It is as if I am sleeping on a concrete cot with another slab of concrete covering me. Soreness.
I have asked a few Doctors and nurses how a person dies with this disease and they just don't know. The standard reply is that "everybody is different"; however, the actual passing is not understood. I believe the body just gives out. From all of the treatment? Or, is it the cancer that is growing and spreading and the body just can't fight anymore and so gives out?
I do know that when I lie down at night (usually at 4 am), I can expect to wake up once or twice during the night because I am in pain or because I have had some acid reflux and find it hard to breathe because my esophagus is burning and I am coughing. I drink some water and then some tea and walk around for a bit. It wears me out. Then I go back to bed and when I awake again I am still tired and in pain. The pain medication helps a little bit, but I don't take it that much unless my feet are really hurting and I want to go for a walk. Of course, I take it in the evening and also when I go to bed.
I think that some night I will just lie down and not wake up. I used to think it would be a coughing fit or a sleep apnea...I don't think that anymore because those things always woke me up and I dealt with them. No, I think that some night I will fall asleep and my body will just say, "I can't go anymore."
I'm worried. I trust in the Lord. I have never prayed for a Healing. I have prayed for strength and patience and understanding. I have prayed for others. I have prayed that I will be well enough to return to work. I have prayed that I will have the strength to go Clowning!
I enjoy Life and the Lord always gives me the opportunity to Smile and the strength to endure. I am not afraid of death, though I don't look forward to it! But, I know that it is a fact of Life and if it wasn't the Cancer, it would be something else. I just don't think about it that much. Except for the last few days. Because I am starting to lose interest in things, in moments. I try to find things to be interested in...I look for new music, shows, people...nothing. I go out and go to the park and try to reflect on Nature...nothing. When this first started I went to the park a lot. I went visiting a lot. It was always an adventure. It was always a Joy. But, now, it seems to be a task. I need to eat and rest and gain some weight. I don't want to rest. But, then again, it is a chore to move.
I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and the tide will have turned. That I will have begun to gain weight and get my energy and my interest back. I keep waiting. Patiently.
I think I will try to take the next week off and just rest and go for an short walk each evening. I have so much to do....but, I just can't do it...
Well, I just had to put down these thoughts because I know that this Cancer journey is full of unknowns and people that blog about it are useful to those who have a desire to understand...to try to see how to cope...to try to get a handle on what might be coming next.
I know that when I first started Chemo in January of 2012, that I thought it was the biggest battle of my life and the hardest. I remember how miserable I felt and yet I was able to stick on my Red Clown Nose and go out and Laugh with the world and share smiles. I want to do that again...
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure...!
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