Winter Forecast

                                                                 24 November 2013

It has come to this...I am barely able to dress myself anymore. The pain along my shoulders and upper body is relentless. The doctor gave me muscle relaxants because it felt as if my muscles around my shoulder blades wouldn't release. But, I looked in the mirror and felt with my hand that there is nothing there but bone. I suppose there are tendons and muscles holding the bones together. I don't know. All I know is that I cannot sit for long because my body pulls me forward in a fold at the bottom of my rib cage. I try to straighten-up to no avail. I can stand or lie down.

I am trying to eat a lot. I haven't weighed myself lately because I don't want to know anymore. My painkillers have no effect on the pain. The pain is just a nuisance, though. As long as I remain still the pain is not too bad. It is only when I move.

I don't have trouble breathing and I don't have a cough. I don't have trouble swallowing. My appetite is fine but I get full real easily. I try to eat every 2 hours and drink a protein drink (Boost or a generic). The only problem is the pain and, when I walk a short distance, my heart complains by bouncing around in my chest. But, my heart is strong and I will continue to take short walks.

I see my Onc again in a couple of weeks and then we will make some decisions. I doubt that I am strong enough for more Chemo. Maybe the current medicine I am taking will begin to work or maybe the Cancer is just too aggressive.  Anyway, I won't give up and I trust in the Lord and his plan.

I have one more clown gig that I am looking forward to doing. It will involve very little effort if I prepare for it well !

Re-reading this post, it seems depressing...it is not. I am just relating how I am doing. It seems that I am confined to the indoors more and more what with my strength and the cold of Winter. I will make it through the Winter, I know. I will call upon my inner strength and the Favor of the Lord. I will pray in earnest for the well-being of others. I will Praise the Lord and ask Him to bless my family and friends. I will ask for the strength to endure and Trust in His Love. 

Life is good....Life is an Adventure !!!

Reflections

I have often wondered how the Lung Cancer will end my Life...I don't have a bad cough and I don't have trouble breathing. Most of my problems seem to emerge from the Chemo and Radiation treatments. Fatigue and pain.

The past few weeks I have been really, really tired and I have a lot of muscular pain. I have to eat constantly to maintain my weight. I take one or two naps each day and wake-up with a lot of soreness. It is as if I am sleeping on a concrete cot with another slab of concrete covering me. Soreness.

I have asked a few Doctors and nurses how a person dies with this disease and they just don't know. The standard reply is that "everybody is different"; however, the actual passing is not understood. I believe the body just gives out. From all of the treatment? Or, is it the cancer that is growing and spreading and the body just can't fight anymore and so gives out?

I do know that when I lie down at night (usually at 4 am), I can expect to wake up once or twice during the night because I am in pain or because I have had some acid reflux and find it hard to breathe because my esophagus is burning and I am coughing. I drink some water and then some tea and walk around for a bit. It wears me out. Then I go back to bed and when I awake again I am still tired and in pain. The pain medication helps a little bit, but I don't take it that much unless my feet are really hurting and I want to go for a walk. Of course, I take it in the evening and also when I go to bed.

I think that some night I will just lie down and not wake up. I used to think it would be a coughing fit or a sleep apnea...I don't think that anymore because those things always woke me up and I dealt with them. No, I think that some night I will fall asleep and my body will just say, "I can't go anymore."

I'm worried. I trust in the Lord. I have never prayed for a Healing. I have prayed for strength and patience and understanding. I have prayed for others. I have prayed that I will be well enough to return to work. I have prayed that I will have the strength to go Clowning!

I enjoy Life and the Lord always gives me the opportunity to Smile and the strength to endure. I am not afraid of death, though I don't look forward to it! But, I know that it is a fact of Life and if it wasn't the Cancer, it would be something else. I just don't think about it that much. Except for the last few days. Because I am starting to lose interest in things, in moments. I try to find things to be interested in...I look for new music, shows, people...nothing. I go out and go to the park and try to reflect on Nature...nothing. When this first started I went to the park a lot. I went visiting a lot. It was always an adventure. It was always a Joy. But, now, it seems to be a task. I need to eat and rest and gain some weight. I don't want to rest. But, then again, it is a chore to move.

I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and the tide will have turned. That I will have begun to gain weight and get my energy and my interest back. I keep waiting. Patiently.

I think I will try to take the next week off and just rest and go for an short walk each evening. I have so much to do....but, I just can't do it...

Well, I just had to put down these thoughts because I know that this Cancer journey is full of unknowns and people that blog about it are useful to those who have a desire to understand...to try to see how to cope...to try to get a handle on what might be coming next.

I know that when I first started Chemo in January of 2012, that I thought it was the biggest battle of my life and the hardest. I remember how miserable I felt and yet I was able to stick on my Red Clown Nose and go out and Laugh with the world and share smiles. I want to do that again...

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure...!

Final Taxotere

When I last saw my Oncologist he said that I had enough Chemo and that I did really well. He wanted me to start on Radiation. I told him that my Medicare would kick-in by June and could we wait for it. He replied that I should then have at least one more Chemo to hold me over. Since the last Chemo was so brutal, I asked if I could have one more week of near-normalcy and he agreed. So, I had my last Chemo yesterday, 10 May 2013.

Since the Taxotere seems to build-up in my system, I know that the next 2 or 3 weeks will be tough. Last time I had a hard time getting the motivation to write in my blog. That is why I am trying to get through this now.
I have found that wearing my Yoga Toes helps greatly with my peripheral neuropathy in my feet. But, just like diet and exercise I sometimes forget or slack-off until I find that I need to wear them again. I try to wear them every other day. And, I drink a lot of SoBe Lifewater and grapefruit juice. I used to buy other fruit juices but they are putting artificial sweeteners in everything these days! I enjoy a soda pop now and again but they mainly taste too sweet and not enough carbonation. However, I do like Jarrito's Mandarin soda! I also have a bowl of Frozen Yogurt every evening because it seems to keep me from getting acid reflux. I know that if I don't eat a bowl for two or three nights that I get an upset stomach or acid reflux.
The past two weeks, as I have been out and about, I am always astonished to hear people tell me how positive I have been and how well I am doing. Especially when I feel so tired and my hands and feet hurt so much. But, I accept their observation. And, most of them follow it up with how the power of Prayer works so well. I mention that because I have prayed to the Lord to let my Clowning be a ministry. A ministry of Love and Smiles and a testament to the Lord's plan for all of us. But, I have told the Lord that I am not comfortable in initiating a witnessing. He has heard my prayers. When I am visiting businesses and nursing homes and shut-ins and elderly, it is they that begin talking about the Lord. He opens the door for me to give my testimony and listen to theirs. The Lord is great and he answers prayers.
From the very beginning I was never scared. At first I experienced a sadness that it might be my last Summer or my last Christmas. But, I put it out of my mind and told the Lord that I would accept his plan for me and go wherever he needed me--whether it was Heaven or here on Earth.
I prayed for those that were going through this Cancer thing and for the people that had loved ones that were going through it. I prayed for Strength and Comfort and Peace and Healing for them. I prayed that they would trust in the Lord. And, I prayed for Blessings for everyone that was experiencing heartaches and difficulties and doubts. I prayed for our Leaders in the World that they would make the right decisions to end suffering and Wars. That they would lead with compassion and forgiveness and understanding.
I wear a button that says, "Almost Famous". This is an admonition that I am just a servant. When I am Clowning, I bring smiles and humility. I am the Stumble-bum, the ne'er-do-well, the Clown who tries to get it right. I stay on "Almost Famous" or "Nearly Famous" or "Soon to be Famous". I stand on the edge, knowing that to keep something beyond reach will keep me moving in the right direction.
There are so many things that I want and need to do. I can't wait for my energy level to come back up so that I can accomplish more. My mantra everyday, though, is to at least accomplish one or two things because it keeps me feeling that I am still able to do some things. My priorities, then, are if I can't do everything, at least I should do a few things!

I am so thankful that I have my friends and family and my wife and Clown buddies and church family and Facebook friends to share with. And, I pray that I can be there when they reach out to me.
I am going to try to get a lot of clowning and errands done this weekend. And, the next two weeks I will see how this Chemo treats me. I always think that I will be able to work around the side-effects or get use to them...never seems to happen. But, I will come out the other side feeling stronger and I believe that this summer will hold a plethora of opportunities for clowning and activity!
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Fighting Back to Normalcy

I saw my Oncologist on the 11th of April to see if I was able to handle another Chemo and, to also get the results of my most recent PET scan. Good News !!! The tumors in my neck and left lung show no uptake...which means that they are not active. And, they are shrinking. There are still some nodes in both lungs that are insignificant and the doc said they didn't appear to be cancerous. He felt that I should continue with 2 or 3 more treatments and he was also going to talk to a radiologist to see if I could benefit from some radiation to finish off the tumor sites.
Originally, when I was first diagnosed--December 2011,  after 3 biopsies (2 needle and 1 w/scalpel) there was not enough tissue samples to give a specific call on the type of cancer with which I was being  taunted. He had not wanted to try radiation at that time because if it was a certain breed of cell the radiation would have caused it to explode and spread. Now he has enough information that he can be safe with some radiation.

I had the Chemo on the 15th and everything went well. I usually am tired for 4 or 5 days afterward and then start returning to normal. I wonder if this Chemo builds up in my system though. I guess it must because I was Really Tired and Weak. I usually go out visiting during the day and try to clown around some. This time, however, I found that after being out and about for half an hour--I need to get back home and lie down. Also, there was a stomach virus that roared through the local nursing home that I like to visit and I stayed away from there. Thanks to a resident who texted me with the warning to stay away !  I have also been lax in that I have been clowning in crowds and with a compromised immune system I guess I have just been lucky. This round I had decided to be a little smarter and just visit people one at a time and one day at a time.
But, the Chemo really got to me. Aside from being very weak, on about the 3rd day I awoke in severe pain in my legs and shoulders and back and neck. This kept up for several days and really wore me out. I usually take my pain meds as needed--or every 6-7 hours. However, the only relief I got was taking them every two hours in the evening times. And, every 3-4 hours during the day. I found myself going to bed more often than usual because I was so weak and in so much pain. Although I still can't get comfortable and wake every night out of a ridiculous nightmare (not scary, just grippingly and startlingly bizarre!) It just usually signals that I am in pain and need to get up.
My hands look and feel like they have been slammed in a car door. The nails have turned brown and the skin is peeling from the knuckles. And, when I try to twist some balloons I get cuts. The literature on the Taxotere says to refrain from shaving because a razor cut could become infected. However, I only get a few stray whiskers every few days, so I use an electric razor maybe once a week.
My hair fell out after the first Chemo and it has grown back to a "peach" fuzz...but no further ! My lower legs and feet swell ever so often but as long as I elevate them and use Arnica gel and wear ankle socks, the swelling doesn't last long. Walking in socks is painful---the threads feel like wire or glass, so when I am walking around I go barefoot (inside the house). I have also noticed that I can't walk very far and it is really difficult to walk in the first place. I have noticed that my toes are curling under and maybe that is the problem with my ambulation.
My appetite is still good and my weight has remained at 160 lbs. since I was first diagnosed in Dec 2011 ! But, my taste buds change up now and again. I still rely on SoBe lifewater and Grapefruit juice (not from concentrate) and eat an egg every morning. I eat liver and onions once or twice a week for the iron and B12. I eat a lot of spinach and beets. I don't seem to like lettuce anymore. Other vegetables don't taste good to me..except canned, diced tomatoes with green peppers that I put on my spinach and eggs (when I microwave the egg---I usually eat boiled eggs). I still enjoy frozen fish fillets. And, salmon--as long as I know where the salmon came from. I'm losing my taste for snicker bars and spearmint lifesavers. I still like cinnamon rolls and tangerines. I like Kona coffee with a teaspoon of Ovaltine. I eat bratwurst now and again if I can find the right mustard (always a challenge!).
When I approached my Doctor about my various complaints, he assured me that they were the result of the Chemo. That is comforting in a way. It means that after the Chemo that they should go away. A lot of the complaints that I have would normally be classified as having to do with aging...but not mine, ha. So, I guess I am missing out on the growing old creaks and aches.
I still try to accomplish some small tasks every day. I think that it is vitally important to stay active and try to do constructive tasks. If one just gets up and eats and decides it is too painful or hard to do anything and then goes back to bed--well, your body will just get weaker and your self-worth will slide and you become a great candidate for depression. I would rather attempt something and find that I am unable to finish it than to not try at all.
Speaking of which...I am working on a new hat:

All in all I am winning this battle---with the help of excellent Medical staff and a wise and caring oncologist. My friends and family along with their caring and prayers have helped immensely. My Church is always there for me--even when I can't attend as regularly as I would like.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am making sure to put graffiti on the walls of the tunnel and continue to dance along the tracks of said tunnel !!!
Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Right Word

Last year, when I was trying to discover a way to describe my peripheral neuropathy, I struggled for 9 months or more with terms such as "tingling", "numbness", "stabbing" and "burning". While I was outside one evening looking at the constellations in the sky, I noticed that my feet were getting cold--as well as my hands. It hit me then. The feeling you get when your feet begin to freeze because you have been standing in the snow too long. That is the exact condition that I felt in my feet with the neuropathy!! Your feet hurt and burn and tingle...yet, they are also numb!

So it is when trying to figure out what I could use to describe the extreme lack of energy that I have experienced with this new round of Chemo. "Tired" doesn't do justice. I felt an over-whelming tiredness during my First round of Chemo drugs: Carbo/Taxol. My joints hurt and I felt as if I had an unending case of the Flu. A really, really bad case of the Flu ! I was tired all of the time but it wasn't debilitating, wasn't keeping me from going for long walks or running errands or visiting friends. I was simply worn-out most of the time.

The Second Chemotherapy, Alimta, had a decidedly different story. I was tired all of the time. When I did too much physical activity, I reached the edge of collapse. I learned to pace myself. I began each day with case of fatigue. I would eat a boiled egg and drink a glass of grapefruit juice, take my folic acid and a B12 capsule (the nurse would also give me a whopping shot of B12 before each treatment) and a small little pill of Folic Acid. I would drink a cup of coffee and go out to greet the day. I am certain that the boiled egg gave me 4-5 hours of stamina. I learned fairly quickly through experience and, also, searching the Internet that increasing activity would run me over--run me down like a bad car battery. I asked my oncologist and he said that the Alimta worked by shutting down my metabolism whenever my cells began requesting nutrients. So, I was able to dodge collapse and deal with the energy highs and lows.

Along comes this Third Chemo...I had read where the Taxotere would cause Fatigue. Well, isn't that what the Alimta did? I figured that I could deal with that--but, No! This was different. I had already been able to start back to work (driving a shuttle/car a couple of days per week) and I asked my Dr. if I would be able to continue doing it. "Probably not," he said. "You will be very tired."
"I was tired with the Alimta," I begged.
"This is different. Your blood counts will change. They will have to be monitored closely," he explained. "You will be very tired."
A bit flippantly I shot back, "Well, I don't see how it could be worse than the Alimta!"

Wrong! This so, so much worse. In fact, I have spent whole days in bed. Sometimes I get up and have a boiled egg, grapefruit juice---the whole regimen, then shuffle to my laptop to check my email only to find that I can barely log in and open the first message. If I manage to open an email I am never able to respond to it. I turn off the computer (not even logging-out most times) and wade through the tiredness back to the living room where I plop down in my chair and turn on the TV. I change the channel 3 times with no luck finding any substance worth viewing, turn off the TV and go back to bed. Ad infinitum.

"Energy" is a term I was using often. Energy--where is it? Energy--how can I get some? Energy--I need it!! I didn't even have the energy to search for ways to increase mine. I couldn't go to the computer for help. I couldn't describe the dilemma either. I could only state that I was out of energy, but I knew that I wasn't! I had energy, motivation, goals, direction. What was I experiencing? It wasn't Tiredness (as in First Chemo). It wasn't Fatigue (as in Second Chemo). What the heck was it.

I consulted the Oracle: MyOncologist. He nodded his head...knowingly...with a slight smile...an understanding. "I see you are experiencing a lot of Weakness. It is the Chemotherapy. Most people cannot tolerate it for very long."

Eureka !  Weakness ! I was never so happy in my life so as to be thought of as a Weak Person! Hallelujah!  I am Weak. I am Weak! Hear me roar (well, not roar but I can mouth the word with a determined look of glee and fire). Weakness is exactly the word that described the condition my condition was in. I didn't feel tired or on the verge of collapse. I just couldn't do what I wanted to do, which was Anything!  So, problem solved yet no solution. My blood levels were still in the normal range but they were teetering to their upper and lower limits and there was nothing to do about it.

I had a Birthday Party to attend last Saturday and I fixed myself some liver and onions with yams on Friday. Liver has B12 and iron and yams usually enhance the redness of my hair--though I have lost my hair again this time around.

I made it to the party and twisted balloons for a time until I felt my legs turning to wood and my feet feeling like fire. I walked around the birthday-cake table, all the while the children were encircling me and following me while tugging at my coat and hollering, "Make me a Dog", "Giraffe", "Sword", "Flower"! I would make a balloon, joke with the child, ask their names, walk around the table, honk my clown horn and then make more balloons. I had a lot of fun.

When I got home, I re-heated some liver sans yams in the microwave and sat down for some TV. After awhile, I got up to put my plate in the sink and found that I could hardly walk. My wife asked if I was going to take off my clown make-up. "After awhile," I said, though I knowingly was thinking that I might leave it on all week because I was afraid I would be to weak to ever clown again and I wanted to have my make-up still on should a situation come up where I could run out and do some more clowning. I alternated watching TV and struggling out of my chair to grab some Jelly Beans for several hours before I finally gave in and removed the clown face.

My left leg was swollen and my feet were burning and I stayed up all nite wondering if I would be able to get back out of bed should I decided to go there. Well, I did and I did and last nite I took a short walk on the sidewalk out front. I walked about 20 yards and then gave up. But, when I got back inside, my lungs felt full and clear and the stiffness in my legs was leaving and my feet felt looser, more relaxed. I am making myself a promise to take increasingly walks every day. I told my wife she would have to walk with me so that I would be assured of making it back home. I am hoping that this will be a solution to easing myself through this round of Chemo. I know that I will be weaker and weaker. The walking should keep my muscles fluid and my lungs busy and clear, though. I am very optimistic that I can wade through this weakness until the Oncologist stops the treatment.

Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!

A New Chemo

I had my first treatment today (Friday, February 1, 2013) with Docetaxel (Taxotere). 
I was apprehensive about this initial treatment, but everything turned-out fine. This 
particular drug builds up in your system so the next few weeks should be interesting. I 
imagine it will be much the same as my initial Chemos last year--in that I will lose my hair,the Chemo-brain will return, and
the peripheral neuropathy will increase; I will have flu-like symptoms. This particular drug
also wreaks havoc with your blood counts and I will be fatigued and extremely vulnerable to
infections and pneumonia. I will just have to tough it out. 
I worked Thursday night and stayed over at the Hotel instead of going home because my wife was out of town and I rarely hear alarm clocks!  In the morning, when my boss came in for his work shift, we retired to the break room for some intercessory prayer. My treatment lasted for 5 hours and I was alert and calm throughout!

Hopefully I will be doing TechFest in Downtown Dayton at Sinclair College on the 16th and 17th of February. I will be with the The Mars Society (Ohio Chapter)...

Here is an Invitational video from TechFest2013:



I will be answering questions about Human Mars Exploration, but I will also be making some Alien Sword Balloons and Alien Princess Wand Balloons. Luckily, there are other members of the Ohio Chapter of the Mars Society that will be doing most of the talking and explaining !!  Over 3000 people come through TechFest during the weekend and most of them want a balloon! The Wright State biology department is usually across from us and they will let you hold a Tarantula or Madagascar Millipede !  There are many, many hands-on exhibits and I love to walk around and look at them. Darth Vader and his team are usually there to provide Security for the event,also.

So, everything is going pretty well, although I had to quit my job. I went back to work in November of last year and was really enjoying it. But, I am not sure how bad the side effects from this new Chemo will be. I will return to work as soon as I can, My job involved a fair amount of driving and I don't want to put people on the road in jeopardy.

 Life is Good, Life is an Adventure !!!!  Clown around and Go to Mars !!!

I've come this far...

Back when I was diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV in January, 2012 I briefly entertained the thought that it would be my last summer and that it would be a safe bet that I might not live to see another Christmas...but, I quickly told myself to stop thinking about such backward, negative things. I have made it this far and so be it.

                                     My good friend, Santa...I'll put in a good word for you!

I went back to Work a few weeks ago! I am working 2-3 days a week and it is going pretty good. They are very accommodating. I don't use my condition to slack-off, and they keep an eye on me to make sure that I don't over-do things or falter. It mainly involves light janitorial duties and driving a shuttle (car or van---not a spaceship!).
The other morning my car wouldn't start when my shift was over so I had to get a jump. On the way home I dropped the car off at the local mechanic which is just 3 or 4 blocks from my house/domicile. I decided I would walk home even though I had just finished an 8 hour shift. One thing I neglected to factor in, though, was that I had a hill to climb. So, I started up the hill and halfway into my trek, my legs gave out. It felt as if I had just finished a 26 mile marathon. I wasn't out of breath. My legs just felt overly tired and ready to buckle. I continued on and when I reached the top of the hill where it was level ground, I felt better. I could see a park bench (there is a park on the way) and I decided to try to make a landing on it. I felt that if I were to collapse that, even though it was 27 degrees Fahrenheit and  a lot of frost on the ground, the landing would be a bit softer than sidewalk concrete.
My phone began to ring. I soldiered on. Made it to the park bench and rested a few minutes before calling my wife (who had been ringing me). I told about my predicament and let her know that I would continue my journey as soon as I recovered well enough.
My chemo, the Alimta, works in the manner of starving cells that ask for nutrients. The Hill was over the limit of my apportioned energy. I waited 20 minutes, drank a bottle of SoBe Lifewater,  and, then continued my way home, knowing that should I collapse that it was rush-hour and, this being a small community, that someone would notice me and come to the rescue.
I made it home.
I had experienced the effects of the Alimta before when I was raking leaves, trimming trees, painting the house or climbing on the roof to clean the gutters. I had learned to pace myself. Of course, climbing the hill was a foolish learning experience. As I said, I wasn't out of breath and my heart rate did not go up. It is just that Fatigue sets in rapidly and the recovery time is lengthy.
Aside from that incident, I am doing pretty well. I have a severe, irritating pain in my neck that concerns me but I am not worried---just snappy and agitated. I have a PET scan scheduled for the 27th of December to see if any cancer has come back. The pain is in the same place at the crook of my neck and collar bone/shoulder that I had the neck tumor. And the lung tumor radiated pain to the same place and also to my shoulder. But, this may be a pinched nerve from driving so much. I have been trying to analyze my driving habits to see if I can prevent it. I seem to be able to move my neck fairly normally, but, occasionally I get a sharp stabbing pain that jerks me low. And, the pain is also a chronic, sharp nuisance consistently. My pain medication helps, but I try not to take any until the pain is absolutely, overwhelmingly an activity stopper. Even then, the medication only brings the pain down to a dull roar.
I say that it doesn't worry me--because it doesn't. It just makes me angry that I can't enjoy my normalcy!  The only thing that I am on guard about at this point is the cancer coming back and spreading to the brain. I don't care if it returns and spreads to the liver or kidneys or bone or somewheres (sic) else...I just don't want it after my brain because I need my mind to enjoy a good book or podcast or sight gag !
Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I need to start on my cards and shopping. No procrastinating!
I have some clown gigs coming up this week and, of course, work. It's nice to be back in the swing of things. Back in the thick of it. I want to devote more time to some Mars stuff, too. Tech Fest is coming up in February and I also want to give some presentations at the Library. So much to do. I will pace myself...
Also, I am attending a Bible Study about Intercessory prayer...we are involved with a book called, of course, Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets. It is an extremely interesting, insightful and inspiring read. Prayer is a very important part of my life and always has been. And, Intercessory prayer is so important. Too often we might be overly concerned with our own problems and neglect some other areas. Praying for goodwill and blessings for others...praying for understanding and guidance...praying the right path and the right knowledge. I have always felt that constant dialogue with God and communication leads to more satisfying prayers. This Bible study sheds light on mediation and meetings and representation. It is an opportunity to be aware of, not just the theological attitude of prayer, but also the understanding that prayer is such a spiritual journey.
Monday I will be clowning around for the Rotary Springfield Christmas banquet for 140 children with multiple disabilities. I have been attending for 5 or 6 years and it is a wonderful time. Several clowns from our Alley will be there and we really have a lot of fun!
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Looking to the Future, finally...

Finished another Alimta Chemo on Friday, November 2nd. A friend from the church, Bill, drove me down to Kettering. It only took 1 and 1/2 hours! The first time I had an Alimta treatment it took 4-5 hours, but each time has gotten shorter. They give me a B12 shot and 2 premeds: one of nausea and a steroid for a potential rash side-effect. And, then the Alimta.
I have begun to feel a lot more "normal" and am looking forward to getting back to Mars exploration and more Clowning. I am hoping to start Careful's Funiversity Clown Classes...maybe in March of 2013 (see how far out I am feeling able to plan!). That way, when the classes finish, the graduates should have some Parades to go to and some gigs to attend since the weather will be nice.
My protege, Vanngo, is doing very well and should be able to become an Adjunct Professor! She clowns from the Heart and, I just discovered that a cousin and her played Circus pretend games growing-up so she has that experience!

Also, her husband, Gary, whom I have dubbed Grateful, has a long history of Softball coaching. So, our Funiversity will be able to have a Softball team and will be entering tournaments. I was on one of his teams this past August and it was a lot of fun !!!

On another note, a friend that I have recently had to have the pleasure of being re-acquainted with, Mary (and her husband, Rick), may also be able to join the Funiversity as Head of the Music Dept.
She is an excellent and experienced piano musician and would be a nice addition for the Clowns. We all know that Clowns need music for Entrances, Dancing, Kazoo Marching bands, a Chorus, etc. !

More about all of that later...I want to tell you about my peripheral neuropathy. It has been getting better. I used to feel like I was walking on broken glass and my feet felt weird. My hands were very sensitive to water. If I would wash my hands with anything but cold water, it felt like they were being scalded. I never could quite come up with a good description for the way my feet felt until recently when it hit me that they felt like when you are out in really cold weather and snow and your feet feel frozen, numb, tingly and stabbing. That is how my feet feel. I can't feel my feet to put on my shoes, yet they hurt in a stabbing, tingly way. I have been using Eucalyptus Spearmint Lotion as needed and I use Yoga Toes 2-3 times a week. The Yoga Toes make my feet more flexible. As we get older, our feet seem to gnarl up and get stiff, but these Yoga Toes stretch and space the toes so that they relax more and become flexible. Even after my neuropathy goes away, I am going to continue using these products because they really help keep my feet healthy and feeling fine.
And, I am still using SoBe Lifewater because it has no sugar and no artificial sugar and just the right viscosity for me. It also has some vitamins and natural juices. I was always looking for fruit juices--not from concentrate, but most of the juices you buy at the grocery have more sugar than sodas and a lot of them are now containing aspartame or sucralose. And, most are made from concentrate. So, I buy fresh fruit or look for Grapefruit juice or Apple juice that is NOT from concentrate. It is always hard to find, though, so my staple is SoBe !
In the morning I am going to go up to the church a wrap caramel candy for their annual Candy Sale. When I first was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, I prayed to the Lord to use me here on Earth or in Heaven---wherever he need me. I have surmised that he wants me to do my Clown Ministry here on Earth for a time and, now that I am feeling better, I want to help out at the Church as much as possible. They have provided me with transportation all year to my doctor appts and Chemos when my wife was unable to take me.
So, this feeling of "Normal" makes me a little leery, but I trust in the Lord and I have a lot of support from family, friends, clowns and the church. I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and soldier on !
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

To Chemo or Not?

I will be having my next Chemo with Alimta this Friday, August 31st. I may have one more, I don't know...this past year has been a roller coaster of pain, fatigue and some normalcy. With Alimta, I have about 10 days of feeling normal. I have extreme fatigue for a few days after the treatment and then again for a week before the next one. I don't know how bad the cancer would be---probably pretty bad, but the Chemo really takes a toll on me. I am growing weary of it.
After reading other blogs and the forums, I have found that a lot of people dis-continue the treatments for a time.
I trust in the Lord and know that he has brought me healing. I also trust that he will give me guidance and wisdom for my decision. He has a plan for me whether it is on this Earth or in Heaven.
I have begun to get depressed and even pondered the idea to quit Clowning. Something that I don't want to do. I need to focus on finding another job to start paying my medical bills and to get back on my feet financially. It is hard to live month to month on fifty dollars. I tried to sell balloons, but that is not how I clown. It takes the fun out of it when you are clowning just to make some bucks and not to spread some smiles. I am sure that I spread smiles while I am selling balloons and I do have fun. At the end of the day if I have only sold 3 balloons and clowned for 5 hours then I feel like I am a failed businessman and not a successful clown. I would rather just be a successful clown. So, I will put clowning on the back-burner and go to work and when I find some free time, I will go back to Clowning.

Our Clown Alley had our meeting this last Tuesday at the Boss Clown's church. It is a huge church with a children's area that is themed to look like a movie theater. We had the meeting and then watched some videos of Red Skelton and Carol Burnett. It was great fun! And, we had popcorn and pink lemonade!

There is a parade this Monday, Labor Day, at the Kettering Holiday at Home celebration. I haven't decided yet whether I will participate or not. I love parades...but...coming on the heels of my Chemo and my worrisome mind, I don't feel like I would be able to give it my all. And, far be it from me to let down my clown buddies or my legion of fans...I just don't feel like I could cope with it mentally or physically.
I have been praying for direction and understanding. What will be, will be.
Tomorrow is another day...
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !

2nd Round of Chemo--Alimta

Well, I had my second round of Alimta on Friday. It went well and faster, too. Last time it took 4 hours but this time it was only 2 hours ! That's an improvement. I looked at my blog from the 1st Alimta and I couldn't get any sleep for a couple of days. This time, I have laid down twice for a couple of hours and couldn't sleep--so I guess that is normal.The lack of sleep is because of the steroids they give me before and after the treatment that is to prevent a rash. I had a rash for several days before this last treatment. On my shoulder and then my back. The medicine apparently works right up until the next treatment.
I also felt like my head was warm, like a fever, but I checked and I didn't have a fever. I started feeling flu-like symptoms but they didn't last long. The extreme fatigue hasn't set in yet, but I imagine that it will by tomorrow evening. I will have to pace myself and watch out for it. It usually lasts for 4-5 days, I think. And then I feel pretty normal.

A woman from the church, Brenda, gave me a ride to my Oncologist on Thursday and then took me to my Chemo on Friday. I am so blessed to belong to a church that can help me with transportation when I need it. My wife has an irratic work schedule so she is not always available.
While I was receiving my Chemo, Marty the Clown stopped by and brought me a really cool shirt...clown shirt...one that squeaks...check it out:

                                      --------> click for video New Shirt

My next Chemo will be on August 31. I need to start looking for some part-time work. I wasn't able to work during my first round of Chemo this year (6 months) because it really laid me low. And, although I kept a good attitude, I know that it was in the back of my mind that things could go horribly wrong...that it could get away from me. I never got depressed, but I came close a few times. Cancer is a strong determinant of how you think about your life. I just kept praying for others and telling God that I was ready to go where ever he had a plan for me. Whether it was to stay on this Earth or to be in Heaven...or to Go to Mars !  Anyway, I made it through the first 6 months of this year and, originally, I thought I might not make it through the Summer. Now, I am hoping to make it to Christmas. According to my Doctors, I have responded well to the Chemo so far and have a good chance of going 4 or 5 more years. But, I will leave that to the Lord. I won't quit, I won't back down, but I will accept whatever comes my way...
I have been fortunate to enjoy a lot of Clowning so far this year. Most of it Volunteer or simply going out and sharing the Smiles. While I am looking for work, I will continue looking for Clown gigs and also volunteer wherever I am needed to do some clowning.
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!!

My Kingdom for a Nap

This new Chemo drug is a wee bit less than the other Chemo treatments. Whenever I would come home from the previous plan, I would feel fairly normal for a couple of days and would have various stabbing pains and aches...then, I would start feeling tired and would try to live life normally and be mildly amused by the pricks of pain as the drugs roamed in my body, zapping cells that seemed suspicious. This new drug, Alimta, mostly hands me extreme fatigue. I can get going, but I can't keep going. I feel so drained, even though they gave me B-12, folic acid, and steroids. My appetitite is still fine. A difference in the fatigue, though, is that it is unrelenting. Since Friday, I have tried to get some sleep--or even take a nap. I lie down and try to listen to podcasts (the usual: Bob and Ray, Writers and Company, Jack Benny, Laugh out Loud, et. al.). I may doze for a few minutes or even an hour, but I don't feel the satisfaction of a Rest. There is no rejuvenating REM's or warmth of a re-charge. I wake up just as tired and uncomfortable as when I first lay down.
This evening, though, I slept for about 3 hours and actually felt some relief ! And, then, my wife and I watched the season opener of Warehouse 13 on Scy-fy and I fell asleep in the last 5 minutes of the show. But, woke after 20 minutes and was mildly refreshed. So, maybe I will be able to handle some of  these side effects with the Alimta.
I have gotten out and about and have done some housework and even tried to do some yardwork. But, I get so tired so quickly, that I can't sustain much activity. Maybe now that I am getting some refreshing naps I will begin to get some semblance of energy. There are some clowning things I want to do this week and I am going to try to do them. Seems like in the last couple of months, whenever I have lined-up 3 or 4 major activities in a week, I can usually do at least 2 of them. We'll see--and I will try to perservere!
My Hair is roaring back ! I was fairly used to my bald pate and everyone else seemed to enjoy it. When you are bald, you have no limit on hats and wigs and funny stuff to put on your head ! A side effect of this new drug is possible hair loss so it might be two steps forward and one step back. Who knows? Anybody? I have been shaving every day for the last couple of weeks also. All I need is for my voice to start changing and it will be like going through a second Puberty ! I am actually getting some acne, too.
Here is a picture from a Block Party in Fairborn in 2009. I was walking a Premonition of my fallen hair! People would come up and say, "That's not a real dog !"  To which I always reply, "Of course it is and his name is JoJo!"  Relenting later, I would confess that it was my Hamster named JoeJoe and he was disguised as a dog so the cats wouldn't go for him !

I have been reading some forums and following some more Cancer blogs. It is hard to pay attention to all of them, but I try. I try to learn from them--at least compare my experience. One blog, in particular, that I read is by SK, a man from Malaysia.His Blog--Living With Lung Cancer He has an amazing faith in the Lord and a lot of good information and insight. Keep him in your prayers and send him an email--or at least some good vibes. Knowing that there are people out there, no matter how remote, that care and acknowledge you, means a lot. This is a lonely journey--make no mistake about it !

I receive a lot of support from family and friends....and, no matter how social I try to be and how much I try to stay focused or happy or whatever, it still feels like this battle is so personal and mysterious that it can only be fought alone. The Lord heals. The doctors treat. The people around me help out in amazing ways. In the final analysis, the thought process is always on guard, alert, watching and waiting. The brain cells listening for any sign of redemption. Any pain or ache or discomfort is merely a sign of cancer--a given. What I watch for is normalcy---continued normalcy. There are patterns of fatigue and sickness and pain. But, I watch for a pattern of normalcy. If I do this, will I have energy? If I eat this will I feel better? If I go for a walk and smile at someone, will I feel a glow inside?

The Cancer seems as if it can act without reason or retribution. If it is knocked down, it doesn't seem to care because it knows it is always a threat to you and no matter how weak or strong you might feel, it can come back and attack you at anytime. I can ignore it and keep on keeping on, which I mostly do...but it is a constant nag. It is the opposite of how one lives a life. We mostly notice when we don't feel well. With cancer, I know that I am not well and that doesn't bother me. What I am watching for is feeling Normal. It is an odd turn of events and it takes some concentration. Is this a normal feeling? Will it last?

Anyway, this round of Chemo seems to be going well. My Red Nose is still on straight and my smile is as big as ever ! I feel strong and I feel Happy.

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

It's Been A While

I can't believe that it has been two weeks or more since I have updated this blog. I started and stopped an article several times. I was writing about how much I enjoyed our Alley's Birthday Bash and am still working on it...

I have been doing all right, I guess. I feel fine except for fatigue and, maybe, Chemo Brain. I don't obsess about it, but I have extremely short term memory issues. I can't walk from one room to the next without forgetting what I am doing. As long as I just stay focused on one thing, I am all right. I have so many things to catch up on though. I have a million or more phone calls to make. And, my project right now is shopping for/hunting small, round batteries for all of the little gadgets and sparkly twinkling lights that I have. I bought a finger lite that takes 3 batteries. The lite cost 99 cents and it takes 3 batteries at 4.99 each. Most of my gadgets call for 2 or three batteries. I am never--Ever ! going to buy anything that takes these little watch batteries !!! The stuff I have are really neat but the price for batteries is obscene !

I was supposed to have my 4th Chemo last week and the doctor wants to have a CAT scan first. So, I guess after the CAT scan he may order another Chemo next week. Originally I had two CAT scans scheduled for May and June. He wants one next week though...

I don't know what to think about my Chemo possibly coming to an end. I think he said that I would have 5 of them. If the tumor has shrunk to a small or nonexistent size then that will be good. I will spend the next few months and "years" wondering when I will be struck down again. I have been reading several Cancer-oriented magazines but I don't know what to think about them. They all seem to have an agenda. A lot of the material is the same. One is very good, however, as it has a lot of info and resources. The others are heavy with ads and articles promoting the sale of your Life Insurance or praising chemical trials. I was looking for info on help with medical expenses but they all say the same thing: read your health insurance policy carefully...yeah, that is if you have insurance!

The bill collectors have started their mantras and, since I just got on Disability I am forbidden from working...but, if I can find the right job, I will forgo the disability.

I should look into Medicaid but you pretty much have to be dirt poor and I think you have to pay it back. I trust in the Lord and so far he has carried me. I am so fortunate not to have a lot of pain or a lot of side effects or other health issues. I pray for all the people that are experiencing unpleasant medical problems.

People are constantly telling me how well I am handling this situation. Actually, the reason that I am doing so well is because of all the people that are thinking of me and praying and sending good and Happy vibes !

It is important, if you know someone that is having a medical crisis that you stay in touch with them and let them know that you care. The person may not be too responsive or they might not seem like they are listening...but, trust me, they hear you loud and clear and it means a lot to know that you are not alone.

I try to do Clowning when I am able. Informally. I just like to spread some smiles. It also helps to cheer me and to strengthen my self-worth. When we give of ourselves, it takes our minds off of our own problems.

One thing that I know is important, also, if you are not feeling well --- step outside and get some fresh air...everyday. Even if it is only for a few minutes. Even if the weather is not ideal. Experience Life! And, if you cannot go and visit someone then pick up the phone or grab a pen and communicate with another person. I try to visit with people everyday. I might engage in the most inane conversation, but it is important to retain your social skills.

Be thankful for all things. Our microwave just died on us and instead of getting mad that we can't make our precious Microwave popcorn or reheat a cup of coffee or Nuke dinner...we are exploring the Lost Art of Cooking ! I think I'll boil some water on the stove just to see what it's like ! And, we use the toaster oven !  Ah, life is Grand !

Of couse, we will probably make a trek to Target and look at microwaves today...oh, well.

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure ! 

The Good Bad and Better

This installment is in two parts...the first part is a recount of the past few days and the effects of Chemo. When I started to evolve this blog into my Cancer Blog, it was to show what a person goes through when they are diagnosed and then treated. I didn't know what to expect and found a few blogs online, although I imagine there are hundreds. I had some friends who either went through this or had a loved one go through this and they were very helpful. So, I wanted to document my experience in hopes that it would help someone else out there to get to know what to expect and how I have been dealing with it.

The second part of this installment will be a recap of our Clown Alley's Birthday Party, so skip to Part Two if you don't want to hear about my tribulations of the past few days...

Part One -- I shoulda slowed down

After my last round of Chemo, I felt pretty good. I knew that I had a couple of days before the side effects usually kick in and I got to do some clowning around. I clowned on Saturday for the local Amvets 148 and then went uptown and, basically, handed out stickers and let people take my picture and visited some businesses to share some smiles. I started to get tired so I relaxed Saturday nite and most of Sunday. On Monday I tried to do some walking and socializing and began to feel some joint pain and fatigue. Tuesday brought more fatigue but I was looking forward to the Alley Birthday Party so I picked out an outfit and went to the Gala.

On Wednesday, I waited until I felt fairly strong and then went to visit some friends for awhile. I had driven my car uptown because I am still trying to sell it and planned to walk back home. When it was time to get home I started walking and the joint pain started really acting up. Also, my left foot decided that it didn't want to cooperate so I was afraid I would stumble and fall. I began to lose energy and called my wife to come and get me. I was only two long blocks from home but I didn't feel that I could make it. I stayed in the rest of the nite and tried to eat something and rest.

Thursday I awoke and was doing fine. My wife had to go to the store and I was doing all right when all of a sudden I began getting abdominal cramps. I was super constipated. I spent the next two hours trying to get some relief. I have a bad back, also, so the constipation and cramping aggravated my lower back and hips. I couldn't stand, sit, walk or lie down. I called my wife and asked her to pick me up some Fleet suppositories. I  have never used them so I called some friends and asked about them. When my wife got home I tried one and lay down but couldn't get comfortable. The pain kept getting unbearable. I called Urgent Care here in town and talked to someone who was very nice and helpful. They said to go to the emergency room in Huber Heights if I couldn't get relief. I was panicking and having trouble breathing and was in distress. My wife was able to call my oncologist and talk to him. He told her to pick up some Magnesium Citrate and I was able to talk to him for a few minutes, although I don't remember the conversation. I just remember that he was able to reassure me, which was what I needed. Finally, I was able to lie down--mainly out of exhaustion and surrender. I slept for awhile and when I awoke, the cramps returned and after what seemed like forever I was able to get some relief. I am still exhausted and the joint pain and peripheral neuropathy are present but I am able to sit up. For the next few days I am going to drink a lot of water and eat some clear soup and maybe jello. My appetite has been good but I need to watch out about eating solid foods. The constipation is opiate-induced and although I was doing pretty good, we had bought a ham loaf and I was eating everything that I got hungry for. The last couple of weeks I have had a bitter taste in my mouth and nothing has tasted that good, but I have been trying different foods to see if I get my taste buds back in line.

So, for now, I have some relief and am going to take it easy for awhile. I was supposed to volunteer at the library this past Wednesday, but I knew that I had been pushing it too far. I need to concentrate on more moderate exercise and not do too much for now. I don't want to completely relax, but I have to show some common sense, I guess !

Part Two -- The Party

To socialize with a group of Clowns is a very satisfying and exciting event. I was really looking forward to this year's Party !

Stan the Magic Man was the evening's entertainment. Stan is a retired Sheriff's deputy and he peppers his magic show with inspirational and motivational messages. One bit that I particularly liked was when he asked for a volunteer (Mickey's daughter, Scooter) and showed an oversized box of playing cards and asked her if she liked card tricks. He then proceeded to pull a rope from the box and say, "Sorry, this is a rope trick!"
It was great to see so many clowns. I am pretty tired right now and am going to lie down, but I will post a few pictures and then continue this blog tomorrow...

Zilcho

Sparklelee

Buttons

Feel N Lucky

Folly, Plucky, Micky, Buttons

Until tomorrow...Life is good, Life is an Adventure !

Motivation

A good friend from our church came by yesterday to shave my head. My hair was getting to the point  where it was just a few wisps and I was tired of shedding. I was wearing bandannas and hats, not to hide my hair loss, but to keep it from falling out all over the house and making a mess. After she shaved it I gave it a cursory look and then we headed to an appointment with my neck surgeon. I took my dog, JoJo, who looks like a wig on an invisible dog leash. I tell people that it is what I have done with the hair that I have lost. Some people believe me, some think JoJo is a real dog and most have a good laugh. I also tell them that it is actually my hamster that I have to disguise as a dog so the cats don't attack him. 

The waiting room at my surgeon's office was fairly occupied and I had a good time sharing some smiles with the patients and staff. It seems that the clowning that I am doing nowadays is at Dr. appointments and chemo treatments ! I doubt that I could handle an hour or two gig, so these little forays into my own traveling circus are satisfying to me and to those wonderful people that I encounter along the way. One would think that people would react like: "What is that guy doing dressed up like that and clowning around?  Is he sick? Is he in denial. Doesn't he take his condition seriously?"  I have excellent Doctors and medical care and their staff is so professional. I have my Clown to share and I believe that it brings just as much healing to those around me as it does to me. I always thought my Clown would be curmudgeonly or poignant. I find, though, that Careful is getting happier, though. I can keep him in check...he is bordering on buffoonery, but he is just one, happy, carefree Clown for now !

The surgeon is, like my oncologist, very attentitive--spends plenty of time talking with me and answering my questions. I don't always have a lot of questions, but through the conversations I find my way in seeking answers. He seems to think that I am responding well with my chemo (as does my oncologist). He said it is good that my cancer has not spread and that I have a good appetite and that I don't have problems with swallowing or breathing. I asked him what it was doing to me. He explained what is known about cancer and what wasn't. He said the chemo was roaming throughout my body destroying anything suspicious that it could find. He gave me a fairly good prognosis. In that, I mean, when I first found out that I was advanced and at Stage 4 and had read a little bit about it I learned that the prognosis was between 8 months and 1 year. But, my Doctors seem to think that if I responding so well to the chemo that I would have several years to work with this. What shape and what energy level I will have, I don't know. I feel so fatigued and when I want to be motivated and useful, my body tries to fight me. 

I am just starting to feel the pain and side effects (minimal) from the chemo. They are annoying and are a lot of joint pain and uncomfortable. I feel like walking around and my knees hurt and I tire easily. But, I move around anyway. I try to sit or lie down to rest and can for about 3 hours until the pain medicine wears off and I have to get back up. I try to watch TV but it doesn't hold much interest for me. My wife and I watched a couple of movies last nite...one was too gory so we turned it off...the second was mediocre and I fell asleep...ha.  We have good conversations and eat well. Her sister is very caring and brought us over some great food on Sunday. Sloppy Joes, banana pudding, pasta salad, potato salad...great stuff !

Today is supposed to be full of sun and fairly warm. I hope to be able to walk down to the park. I'm sure I can get there...will be a challenge coming back. I still try to walk everyday. I don't try to push it, but I don't try to slack off either !  It feels like I am caught between trying to do a lot and trying not to do too much. I think I will coast a little this week and see what I am able to do. Last time I had my chemo, the joint pain and other side effects only lasted for 3 days. I am aware that there is also a cumulative amount but I guess I'll just have to find that out. 

Anyway, Life is Good and Life is an Adventure !!

Clowning around

I have been pretty much following the medication schedule, but I was trying to widen the times between doses. After all, I felt, it is for pain..and maybe I am not in pain all of the time. Well, I took a dose this morning about 6 am and then was up for most of the day. Then I took a nap in the evening and awoke with much expected pain. It was 12 hours since I had taken my medication and the schedule is usually 6 hours... I took a dose, but I also found that I couldn't breathe. It wasn't like asthma. It was more like breathing without any oxygen getting through. It was very uncomfortable. It would be like having a dry mouth and big thirst and when you drink some water--it isn't even wet or satisfying. Scary. After the medication kicked in I was able to breathe again but I am going to ask my doctor about it. I have a biopsy on Friday morning where they will try to extract enough tissue to determine if it is small cell or large cell lung cancer. I guess so they can find a chemotherapy treatment.
Yesterday, I went clowning for most of the afternoon. It was fun. Even though I was just sharing smiles with people uptown. I went to visit some friends. I had originally thought that I would drop in to the Health Clinic and entertain the waiting room and some staff.But, there was only two patients in the waiting room and I didn't recognize any of the intake personnel. My doctor was in so I just said hi to everyone and left.

School was letting out because a lot of school buses were rolling through town. There was a lot of traffic on Main Street also. I glided along for a couple of blocks, waving at the cars and people. However, I was afraid I would cause a wreck. People hurrying home from work that suddenly spot a Clown on a Segway seem to get rattled and distracted. I didn't want to be responsible for any rear-enders so I headed over to some side streets and went to visit Gary and Susan, which is always a pleasure. I made a paper-hat tear for their grandson, Brody and hung around and entertained the beagle, Buster, who was too sure about me. Then I came home.

Side Mission

I will continue to explore Mars, but will be also narrating a side mission. Back in November of 2011 I experienced a head cold which quickly moved into my lungs and stayed for about 2 weeks before I visited a doctor at a local clinic. They prescribed antibiotics and I recovered well. However, when I went to a follow-up one week later, I mentioned that a lymph node on my neck, near my collar bone, seemed to be swollen and growing and I was feeling some mild pain along my collar bone. They sent me for an ultra-sound and then a CAT scan.
On the 12th of December, I and some other clowns entertained at a luncheon banquet for kids with special needs and then I came home. Later in the afternoon the clinic called to say that the CAT scan showed a neck mass that was compressed on the jugular vein and I should go to a hospital right away. I asked if I could wait til the next day. They said no and to go right away--which I did. I was admitted. It was a Monday. During the week that I was in the hospital, I had another ultra-sound and CAT scan and a biopsy. Several doctors came by to examine me and all of them suspected a malignancy. I argued that I didn't have any other symptoms and that my blood work and everything showed no abnormalities. Although they thought that this was a good sign, they still suspected cancer.
Finally, on Thursday, a doctor came in and sat with me for half an hour and explained that I had advanced cancer and that it was most likely emanating from the lungs. I immediately began lobbying for release because they wanted to do a PET scan and an inscision and that would not take place til the first of the next week. I didn't want to lie in bed all weekend with nothing to do but worry.
I had been visited by 6 1/2 clowns ! Calls from my brother and son. Visits from my in-laws. Visits from my wife. Visits from friends. But, I wanted to go home and be somewhere familiar so that I could resume my usual activities and avoid too much dreadful thinking.
My pastor had called and visited me frequently. I was released Friday evening and went to church on Saturday evening. It is Christmas time and I am trying to experience the joys of the season.
Since the biopsy, I have had a lot more marked pain in my shoulder and left arm. I don't have trouble eating or swallowing or breathing.
Next week I have an appt with an oncologist who will interpret the PET scan that I had this past Monday and attempt to determine what stage the cancer is and where all it is located. Then, the first week in January I will have a Neck surgeon remove some of the neck mass to further study the type of cancer involved. Treatments should begin shortly thereafter.
By keeping this blog up-to-date, it is hoped that other people going through cancer diagnosis and treatment can compare notes and find some support and share information.
At the present I don't have any deep thoughts about this dilemma. As a clown, I know that laughter has healing properties. As a clown, I know that performing for others and sharing smiles enhances one's soul and affects one health.
As a Christian, I know that prayer is a power. I trust in the Lord and know that he will lead me through the outcome.
I had a really enjoyable 2011 with a lot of parades and clowning. 2012 should prove to be a challenge for my clowning if my treatments take a lot of time and energy. I will persevere and clown every chance I get ! And, I will continue to follow the news about Mars and the Science Laboratory and the Mars Society and Space tourism and Exploration. The coming year will be full of excitement and mystery.