I've come this far...

Back when I was diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV in January, 2012 I briefly entertained the thought that it would be my last summer and that it would be a safe bet that I might not live to see another Christmas...but, I quickly told myself to stop thinking about such backward, negative things. I have made it this far and so be it.

                                     My good friend, Santa...I'll put in a good word for you!

I went back to Work a few weeks ago! I am working 2-3 days a week and it is going pretty good. They are very accommodating. I don't use my condition to slack-off, and they keep an eye on me to make sure that I don't over-do things or falter. It mainly involves light janitorial duties and driving a shuttle (car or van---not a spaceship!).
The other morning my car wouldn't start when my shift was over so I had to get a jump. On the way home I dropped the car off at the local mechanic which is just 3 or 4 blocks from my house/domicile. I decided I would walk home even though I had just finished an 8 hour shift. One thing I neglected to factor in, though, was that I had a hill to climb. So, I started up the hill and halfway into my trek, my legs gave out. It felt as if I had just finished a 26 mile marathon. I wasn't out of breath. My legs just felt overly tired and ready to buckle. I continued on and when I reached the top of the hill where it was level ground, I felt better. I could see a park bench (there is a park on the way) and I decided to try to make a landing on it. I felt that if I were to collapse that, even though it was 27 degrees Fahrenheit and  a lot of frost on the ground, the landing would be a bit softer than sidewalk concrete.
My phone began to ring. I soldiered on. Made it to the park bench and rested a few minutes before calling my wife (who had been ringing me). I told about my predicament and let her know that I would continue my journey as soon as I recovered well enough.
My chemo, the Alimta, works in the manner of starving cells that ask for nutrients. The Hill was over the limit of my apportioned energy. I waited 20 minutes, drank a bottle of SoBe Lifewater,  and, then continued my way home, knowing that should I collapse that it was rush-hour and, this being a small community, that someone would notice me and come to the rescue.
I made it home.
I had experienced the effects of the Alimta before when I was raking leaves, trimming trees, painting the house or climbing on the roof to clean the gutters. I had learned to pace myself. Of course, climbing the hill was a foolish learning experience. As I said, I wasn't out of breath and my heart rate did not go up. It is just that Fatigue sets in rapidly and the recovery time is lengthy.
Aside from that incident, I am doing pretty well. I have a severe, irritating pain in my neck that concerns me but I am not worried---just snappy and agitated. I have a PET scan scheduled for the 27th of December to see if any cancer has come back. The pain is in the same place at the crook of my neck and collar bone/shoulder that I had the neck tumor. And the lung tumor radiated pain to the same place and also to my shoulder. But, this may be a pinched nerve from driving so much. I have been trying to analyze my driving habits to see if I can prevent it. I seem to be able to move my neck fairly normally, but, occasionally I get a sharp stabbing pain that jerks me low. And, the pain is also a chronic, sharp nuisance consistently. My pain medication helps, but I try not to take any until the pain is absolutely, overwhelmingly an activity stopper. Even then, the medication only brings the pain down to a dull roar.
I say that it doesn't worry me--because it doesn't. It just makes me angry that I can't enjoy my normalcy!  The only thing that I am on guard about at this point is the cancer coming back and spreading to the brain. I don't care if it returns and spreads to the liver or kidneys or bone or somewheres (sic) else...I just don't want it after my brain because I need my mind to enjoy a good book or podcast or sight gag !
Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I need to start on my cards and shopping. No procrastinating!
I have some clown gigs coming up this week and, of course, work. It's nice to be back in the swing of things. Back in the thick of it. I want to devote more time to some Mars stuff, too. Tech Fest is coming up in February and I also want to give some presentations at the Library. So much to do. I will pace myself...
Also, I am attending a Bible Study about Intercessory prayer...we are involved with a book called, of course, Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets. It is an extremely interesting, insightful and inspiring read. Prayer is a very important part of my life and always has been. And, Intercessory prayer is so important. Too often we might be overly concerned with our own problems and neglect some other areas. Praying for goodwill and blessings for others...praying for understanding and guidance...praying the right path and the right knowledge. I have always felt that constant dialogue with God and communication leads to more satisfying prayers. This Bible study sheds light on mediation and meetings and representation. It is an opportunity to be aware of, not just the theological attitude of prayer, but also the understanding that prayer is such a spiritual journey.
Monday I will be clowning around for the Rotary Springfield Christmas banquet for 140 children with multiple disabilities. I have been attending for 5 or 6 years and it is a wonderful time. Several clowns from our Alley will be there and we really have a lot of fun!
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Twisting...balloons !

Went to the Holiday Open House at Wright State University for A Special Wish Foundation, Dayton, Ohio. Vanngo went with me, her sister, Linda drove her there. Our clown alley, Giggles and Grins, provides clowns for the annual event. Alto did a Magic Show and I saw Mickey, Sparklelee, and Lullabelle doing face-painting. Zilcho was twisting balloons. Plucky, Tindy Ducks and a few more clowns were wandering about. It was an awesome time. A Special Wish is a great organization and does a lot of events and grants many special wishes through the year. You can learn more about it here:  A Special Wish .

Vanngo did a very good job of handing Yo-You balloons to the children and blowing a loud horn and announcing the arrival of a "Princess" whenever I made a Princess Wand balloon for one of the girls. I also made hats and alien swords and dogs.

                                                       Vanngo and Careful

                                                     Alvin and the Chipmunks

                                                                    3 Clowns

I have been doing pretty good, feeling more normal. I am still tired a lot and get fatigued, but I am learning to pace myself. One thing though, I have been practicing driving a car again--after a year of no driving, and have noticed that when I do a lot of physical activity (I have been attempting to exercise more), even though I pace myself so as not to be fatigued to the point of collapse, I end-up with sore muscles that take several days to go away. It used to be that I could chalk that up to the age process. It seems more likely to be a combo of aging and chemo.

I made myself some liver and onions yesterday. I prepared the meal the way my mother used to make it. Caramelize the onions with butter and sugar and then lightly flour the liver and fry it in some butter. It came out really tasty. I hope the iron and nutrients that the liver and onions provide will help repair my sore joints and muscles. Although, the mechanism of the Alimta is to starve the cells that ask for nutrients.

I have noticed that I have lost several inches from my waistline. I haven't weighed myself lately, but my last visit to the Oncologist showed that I weighed 161 which has held steady since February. I weighed 180+ going into this whole ordeal, had a robust belly which I could do without. So, getting down to 160 or so is not a bad thing. I graduated High School weighing 158 ! Of course, I fear I may be losing some muscle mass. I will have to ask the Doctor how my body is supposed to repair and replenish itself when the order of the Chemo is to deny it !

So, everything is going smoothly. My next event is in December. Our alley provides clowns for a Rotary Christmas Banquet for Special Needs children in Springfield. It is also a fine time and a lot of fun!

Life is good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Looking to the Future, finally...

Finished another Alimta Chemo on Friday, November 2nd. A friend from the church, Bill, drove me down to Kettering. It only took 1 and 1/2 hours! The first time I had an Alimta treatment it took 4-5 hours, but each time has gotten shorter. They give me a B12 shot and 2 premeds: one of nausea and a steroid for a potential rash side-effect. And, then the Alimta.
I have begun to feel a lot more "normal" and am looking forward to getting back to Mars exploration and more Clowning. I am hoping to start Careful's Funiversity Clown Classes...maybe in March of 2013 (see how far out I am feeling able to plan!). That way, when the classes finish, the graduates should have some Parades to go to and some gigs to attend since the weather will be nice.
My protege, Vanngo, is doing very well and should be able to become an Adjunct Professor! She clowns from the Heart and, I just discovered that a cousin and her played Circus pretend games growing-up so she has that experience!

Also, her husband, Gary, whom I have dubbed Grateful, has a long history of Softball coaching. So, our Funiversity will be able to have a Softball team and will be entering tournaments. I was on one of his teams this past August and it was a lot of fun !!!

On another note, a friend that I have recently had to have the pleasure of being re-acquainted with, Mary (and her husband, Rick), may also be able to join the Funiversity as Head of the Music Dept.
She is an excellent and experienced piano musician and would be a nice addition for the Clowns. We all know that Clowns need music for Entrances, Dancing, Kazoo Marching bands, a Chorus, etc. !

More about all of that later...I want to tell you about my peripheral neuropathy. It has been getting better. I used to feel like I was walking on broken glass and my feet felt weird. My hands were very sensitive to water. If I would wash my hands with anything but cold water, it felt like they were being scalded. I never could quite come up with a good description for the way my feet felt until recently when it hit me that they felt like when you are out in really cold weather and snow and your feet feel frozen, numb, tingly and stabbing. That is how my feet feel. I can't feel my feet to put on my shoes, yet they hurt in a stabbing, tingly way. I have been using Eucalyptus Spearmint Lotion as needed and I use Yoga Toes 2-3 times a week. The Yoga Toes make my feet more flexible. As we get older, our feet seem to gnarl up and get stiff, but these Yoga Toes stretch and space the toes so that they relax more and become flexible. Even after my neuropathy goes away, I am going to continue using these products because they really help keep my feet healthy and feeling fine.
And, I am still using SoBe Lifewater because it has no sugar and no artificial sugar and just the right viscosity for me. It also has some vitamins and natural juices. I was always looking for fruit juices--not from concentrate, but most of the juices you buy at the grocery have more sugar than sodas and a lot of them are now containing aspartame or sucralose. And, most are made from concentrate. So, I buy fresh fruit or look for Grapefruit juice or Apple juice that is NOT from concentrate. It is always hard to find, though, so my staple is SoBe !
In the morning I am going to go up to the church a wrap caramel candy for their annual Candy Sale. When I first was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, I prayed to the Lord to use me here on Earth or in Heaven---wherever he need me. I have surmised that he wants me to do my Clown Ministry here on Earth for a time and, now that I am feeling better, I want to help out at the Church as much as possible. They have provided me with transportation all year to my doctor appts and Chemos when my wife was unable to take me.
So, this feeling of "Normal" makes me a little leery, but I trust in the Lord and I have a lot of support from family, friends, clowns and the church. I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and soldier on !
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

No Complaints

The Chemo last Friday went well. The shortest duration yet. Only an hour and a half. And, aside from the B-12 shot, they only had to stick me once. My veins have held together really well through all of the Chemos this year ! I am fortunate that I don't need a port. Usually I come home with 3 stick sites in my right arm and one or two in my left. The Chemo can really take a toll on a person's veins. The staff at the hospital has been really good, though, so my veins are fine and they are able to get a good one right off the bat!
I talked to my Oncologist last Thursday and told him of the extreme irritability that I had been experiencing from the steroids. He allowed me to cut the doses in half. I was taking 2 tabs before Chemo Day and two after. And, they injected me with some the day of the Chemo. I usually began to feel angry at any little thing a day or two after the treatment. This time  I have not had that side effect. So, that is well. The steroid is to prevent a rash.
I have been feeling pretty normal and have more tiredness than fatigue. As I have mentioned previously, Alimta causes extreme fatigue. I am learning to pace myself and I obtained a book from the Library that lists the best practices for dealing with fatigue:

Limit your activities; do only those things that are most important to you.
Take several short naps or breaks during the day.
Try taking short walks or exercising lightly.
Maintain good nutrition; try to eat a well-balanced diet.
Ask for help when you need it.   
(Lung Cancer, A Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment. c. 2012 by Walter J. Scott, M.D., Addicus Books, Inc., Omaha NE)

Last week I was able to participate in the Heritage of Flight Festival. I was in the Parade on Saturday and, also, clowned around and twisted balloons afterward and on Sunday. A new clown that I am mentoring, Vanngo, joined with me in all of the activities. We also clowned around last Saturday (the 20th): We went to a shopping center and vended balloons, stopped by a restHome and visited with some good friends, then went to Church where we were informally dubbed Fools for the Lord. The sermon was about Noah and how he must have been ridiculed by his neighbors when God commanded him to build the Ark! I consider a large portion of my Clowning a Clown Ministry--as I visit hospital patients, nursing home patients and shut-ins. And, the smiles I elicit when I am out and about are my witness to the Love that the Lord shows to us each and every day! In fact, the Pastor at my Church has asked me to speak about my Cancer experience in Church this Sunday. There will be some other speakers also.

 

Vanngo has the potential to become a very viable Clown! She has been doing very well and when I offer Clown Classes (hopefully) after the first of next year, I am hoping she will be an Adjunct Professor! She hopes so too, as I don't think she could afford the classes and shouldn't have to take out a debilitating Student Loan in order to attend! We plan to go out Clowning around tomorrow (today, Wednesday) and are going to try to have a regular route on Saturdays of balloon sales, social visits and Church...

 

 

 

I have been feeling fairly normal since this last Chemo. I haven't had extreme fatigue, but I have been pacing myself. I have been feeling an overall tiredness, but I have been motivated. I have felt groggy and foggy, but I have cut down my coffee intake to one cup of coffee per day--and I mix whole beans with decaf coffee. And, halving the steroid intake reduces my wiredness.

 

I hope to feel well and confident enough to find a part-time job. I could use the money and the activity/self-esteem. I would also like to be able to afford and procure a Canine Companion by Christmas, our beloved dog, Matty, having passed away just last Fall.

 

There is still not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I want to accomplish...but, I feel that I am doing a lot better and feeling a lot more normal. It is coming along in bursts and burps. Soon enough I may be able to have a more ordered Life again !

 

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Another Chemo

I had another treatment on Friday, 21sept2012...I was thinking that it was the 3rd one, but looking at a previous post, I see that it is the 4th, I guess. I should count them. Maybe not. It went really well. It only took a couple of hours from the time that I arrived. Afterwards, I went home and then decided to go out and about to visit some friends. Worked in the yard some and climbed up on the roof with a roofer to see if their was any damage from storms earlier in the summer. I was trying to use some energy in order to wear down the effects of the steroids. It seemed to work. I was able to get a nap in the evening and some real sleep later on.
Usually, after the Alimta treatment and administration of the steroids, I am awake for 30 hours. Of course, doing it the way that I did this time gave me some rest up front. Problem is, it has made my sleeping sketchy for the rest of the weekend. It is Tuesday morning and I have been sleeping off and on in bits of 2 hours and 5 hours.
On Saturday, I got a call from a man that I had met at the Taco stand several weeks ago. He wanted me to do a Birthday Party for his daughter. Sunday. I was aware that it was upcoming, though I didn't have a specific date, so I was able to do it. It was only one block away and there were about 40 adults and 25 kids. It was a fun time!
I wore the new Outfit that was designed and put together by Susan and her sister, Linda:

I didn't feel tired after clowning, but I have decided to take it easy for the next few days because I feel a little bit shaky. Always before, I have tried to do everything normal and ended up last time with a longer-than-usual amount of fatigue. Both the Dr. and nurses have told me that I have to pace myself. If I were working, I would probably have a better idea of that concept. Since my time is only realized by the different interests and tasks that I assign for myself each day, it is easy to get distracted and to sometimes do more than I should. I am going to try to formulate a schedule to follow each day and week to better utilize my time and to be able discern what I can and can't do...what helps and what wears me down. I would like to take one day a week to work on music, one for programming and computer interests, one for genealogy, one for Mars, etc.
I am so disorganized that I just make little lists of things that I need to do and want to do and then I try to do them all at once. I get some things done, but if I organized my time better, I am sure that I would get a lot more accomplished! I have been meaning to practice my juggling, too. So many things, but I know that if I just adhered to a schedule that I could get some real satisfaction of completing tasks. I think that I got into a mode of thinking that I needed to get a lot of things done because I didn't know how much time I had...ha..
Well, Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !    And, Trust in the Lord !

Still Clowning

I was invited to the summer picnic at AmVets Post 148 last Saturday. It was the second or third time that I had the pleasure of clowning at their event. It was great fun and I had the chance to wear my new clown outfit.

The E-Girls, Susan and Linda, have been hard at work making me this outfit. It has been a labor of Love ! I love the color orange, so it was a nice surprise. The first time that I tried it on and looked in the mirror, it made me smile and laugh. I am used to being a Tramp/hobo/misfit character. Some clowns have even said that I am a bit of an Auguste. But, this new outfit seems to change my character's personality a wee bit. It makes me somewhat sillier. With my other outfits that are a hodgepodge of tuxedo or bright sportcoats, I feel gruff. I enjoy arguing with the children. I have an "invisible dog" leash with a wig attached to it and the kids are always wondering if it is a real dog or not. So, that is always a point of contention. And, I have a mouse and a monkey in a blanket and they always want to know if they are real... Also, whenever a child requests a spaceship balloon or dinosaur or penguin, etc., I like to tell them that when I was attending the Klown Kollege of Komedy Knowledge that I wasn't feeling well the day they had the balloon classes and never learned how to make the different balloon animals and sculptures! Then, I proceed to make an Alien Sword or Princess Wand and try to force it on them. If they continue to insist on a particular balloon, though, I go ahead and make it! It's just that a part of my character entertains through interaction and a lot of the kids like to be vocal and silly. So, the banter is a big part of my act.

When I wore the new outfit, I wondered how it would manifest itself in my entertainment. It did make me a lot more playful and silly. I will be watching to see how my character evolves as I wear the new outfit. Since I look for every opportunity to clown around, I usually am wearing some clownish clothes and a hat and my red nose. I will save the new outfit for "official" gigs, I guess.

I was at the picnic for nearly two hours and all was fun and it didn't seem to tire me out. However, these past few days since my Chemo have been full of fatigue. I think that the Alimta must prevent my body from replenishing itself with energy, protein, carbos and calories if I have exerted myself with too much strenuous activity. If I am re-arranging things around the house or trying to do some repairs or painting there comes a point (usually after 20 to 45 minutes) when I just can't do any more. When I have exerted myself and used-up some energy, I am completely done! The only thing I can do is lie down for a few hours and let my body replenish itself gradually. It is frustrating, for sure.

Then, Monday nite I had problems with my allergies (ragweed, etc.) and when I went to bed I awoke a few hours later and was drowning. My system was manufacturing so much phlegm in reaction to the allergies and it was pouring into my lungs and I couldn't catch a breath. I got up and had some warm liquids and coughed and coughed and blew my nose constantly for an hour in a feeble attempt to breathe. I thought I was going to have to wake my wife and have her take me to the ER. In the end, I sat in my recliner and drank warm liquids and finally fell asleep for awhile.

I have asked the Drs. and looked for answers online to see how this all will end. I don't think about Cancer anymore...haven't for quite some time. My overwhelming thoughts are taken over by the effects of the Chemo and the extreme fatigue that it proffers. But, when I have an episode like the allergies or when I felt that I was getting a cold and worried that it would turn into pneumonia, I think of Death. We all have to die sometime and it could happen in an accident or a heart attack without warning...I know all that. It is just that when you have a diagnosis of Stage IV cancer, you know that your time is limited and you wonder it the end will be with a lot of cancer pain or eating away or organs failing--or what?  I surmise that my time will end somewhat peacefully due to pneumonia or an inability to breathe due to allergies and lung congestion. I guess I should talk to my oncologist to see if there is a way to prevent that!

Anyway, I am glad I was able to clown around at the picnic and it didn't tire me out ! I really want to do more if I can find a way to circumvent this energy-draining thing. If I can just get to a point where I know which days I will be normal and energized. I know that the first few days (this time it has been a lot longer, maybe I need to stop trying so hard!) are rough but I usually get back to normal by the second week.

Well, Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

3rd Alimta Treatment

I had my 3rd Chemo with Alimta Friday the 31st of August. I take Dexamethasone, a potent steroid to counteract a side effect, namely a rash, the day before and the day after the Chemo. The nurse also injected a dose of it before the Chemo. I told her that after Chemo I usually am awake for 24-30 hours. She said that I was lucky. Lucky? Yes, she added, most people are up for 3 or 4 days! Mercy!
I also told her that I was thinking of asking my Oncologist about stopping treatment for awhile. She noted that he probably wouldn't okay it unless I was having problems. My blood counts are very good and I am tolerating it well, so he would probably want me to stay on it. I am afraid that if I made the decision unilaterally that it might be harder to get back on it...or, God forbid, the cancer come roaring back and I would be having to play a lot of "catch-up"! So, I will discuss this with my Doctor, I trust him and he is always honest and very helpful to me. I will abide by his advice.
I got to Chemo at 8am and was out of there by 1030am. A man from my church, Bill, gave me a ride and stayed in the room with me. He got a kick out of me entertaining the nurses and staff as I entered the Ward. I made a napkin rose, balloon, gave out stickers, showed off my all-day oreo and JoJou the mouse and gave out over-sized ten-dollar bills.  Oh yes, and I gave them all kisses---Hersey Kisses!

When I left Chemo, I went to visit Gary and Susan for awhile. Susan was off with Linda working on my new Clown outfit. I visited Gary for awhile and then went home and got something to eat and visited with my wife. Then, about 530pm I went to Polo's Taco Stand and took some balloons with me. I was in clown character but there weren't any customers. I visited with Polo for awhile and then, as I was leaving, 2 families pulled up. I gave a little girl a yo-yo balloon and some stickers and I gave a boy and girl with the other family an alien sword and princess wand. I made a napkin rose for the father and told him to give it to his "esposo". He thanked me and said that he would be calling me soon to do a birthday party for his daughter in a couple of weeks!
After I left the Taco Stand I headed to a new business in town called Penny Lane Art Gallery and Coffee Shop. Susan and Linda were going to be there and also a blues singer named Doug Hart. When I got there, he was just starting his set. I went to sit with Linda and Susan and a friend of theirs, also named Susan. We all went to High School together. I didn't want to detract from the singer, but I very surreptitiously approached a young couple and gave away a yo-yo balloon and over-sized ten dollar bill and took their pictures with my Polaroid sticker camera. Then, Susan pointed out that their were a couple of kids behind our table, so I showed them JoJou the Mouse and they told me that it wasn't real. I told them it was and I stuck to my story. Then I made an alien sword and princess wand for them and took their pictures with my sticker camera.

I also gave a yo-yo balloon and ten dollar bill to an older couple at another table. Bruce E was at the Cafe and we sat and visited and listened to Doug Hart play several more songs. He was very good.
It was getting to be about 8pm so I decided to get Home. I had something to eat, i.e. two sausages, spinach, fritos a SoBe, graham crackers and a chocolate bar (Hamlet with peanuts). Then, my wife and I watched some Hannity and then Inspector Lewis on PBS (that we taped a few nights ago).
We watched the 700 club earlier in the day and a segment was about a young man that was a magician and contracted Acute Leukemia and it was really "blowing-up" his body. He called on the Lord to show himself and do something. Remember, this guy was a magician. He didn't ask for a healing, per se, he asked the Lord to show him his might, a miracle. The doctors had told him that his condition was rare and only 9 million people might be considered for a match for a bone marrow translplant. They later said they found only 16 matches and could only contact 10 of them !  Then, when they were able to convince just one of them to participate, he had the transplant. The doctors then called his wife out of the room and told her that it might not work and that he would go downhill very fast. Well, it worked! Praise the Lord !
I am going to go to Church tonite (Saturday) and I would like to go Sunday morning, but I know from experience that my Chemo usually kicks in with a lot of fatigue on Sunday near the afternoon so I don't usually manage it. But, I always try. I just am so thankful that the Lord has been through all of this with me and given me the strength and truth to manage it.
When you surrender your soul to the Lord and trust him, he will bring you blessings and Love beyond all understanding.
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

To Chemo or Not?

I will be having my next Chemo with Alimta this Friday, August 31st. I may have one more, I don't know...this past year has been a roller coaster of pain, fatigue and some normalcy. With Alimta, I have about 10 days of feeling normal. I have extreme fatigue for a few days after the treatment and then again for a week before the next one. I don't know how bad the cancer would be---probably pretty bad, but the Chemo really takes a toll on me. I am growing weary of it.
After reading other blogs and the forums, I have found that a lot of people dis-continue the treatments for a time.
I trust in the Lord and know that he has brought me healing. I also trust that he will give me guidance and wisdom for my decision. He has a plan for me whether it is on this Earth or in Heaven.
I have begun to get depressed and even pondered the idea to quit Clowning. Something that I don't want to do. I need to focus on finding another job to start paying my medical bills and to get back on my feet financially. It is hard to live month to month on fifty dollars. I tried to sell balloons, but that is not how I clown. It takes the fun out of it when you are clowning just to make some bucks and not to spread some smiles. I am sure that I spread smiles while I am selling balloons and I do have fun. At the end of the day if I have only sold 3 balloons and clowned for 5 hours then I feel like I am a failed businessman and not a successful clown. I would rather just be a successful clown. So, I will put clowning on the back-burner and go to work and when I find some free time, I will go back to Clowning.

Our Clown Alley had our meeting this last Tuesday at the Boss Clown's church. It is a huge church with a children's area that is themed to look like a movie theater. We had the meeting and then watched some videos of Red Skelton and Carol Burnett. It was great fun! And, we had popcorn and pink lemonade!

There is a parade this Monday, Labor Day, at the Kettering Holiday at Home celebration. I haven't decided yet whether I will participate or not. I love parades...but...coming on the heels of my Chemo and my worrisome mind, I don't feel like I would be able to give it my all. And, far be it from me to let down my clown buddies or my legion of fans...I just don't feel like I could cope with it mentally or physically.
I have been praying for direction and understanding. What will be, will be.
Tomorrow is another day...
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !

SoBe lifewater

Well, this Alimta is not too bad...a lot of fatigue for a few days. But, otherwise, it doesn't mess with me like the other Chemo did. I had a few stabbing pains in my stomach from exercising too much. My shoulders have gotten really thin and I tried doing some sit-ups and push-ups. When my body tries to repair or strengthen tissue it signals the Chemo that something is suspicious and it attacks the process right away. They are tweaking drugs all of the time to try to keep them from targeting normal cells but I would imagine that it is very difficult to distinguish between fast-dividing/growing normal cells and cancer cells!
All year long I have been trying different things to get me through this. I have mentioned the Bath and Body Works product of Eucalyptus-Spearmint body lotion that helps with aching joints and peripheral neuropathy. And, the Swiss Kriss that is great for constipation and is all natural. Also, the Chemo changes your sense of taste and meat doesn't always taste very good so I have tried different fish and have also become a regular boiled-egg consumer. Beets and spinach and lettuce and tomatoes and olives taste fine. I don't drink milk anymore. I was constantly hunting for fruit juice that was not from concentrate. I know, buy fruit and make your own...I do that now and again.
Most of the juices and liquids and products that I have purchased in years past are now becoming infused with artificial sweeteners, so I have to spend a lot of time reading labels!
Early on I discovered SoBe Lifewater!
I had gone to a couple of Birthday parties and when someone offered me a bottle of water I was able to take about 3 sips and then I would choke if I drank more! It seemed that the water was just too thin. Carbonated drinks didn't have that effect, but there is way too much sugar in sodas and the sweetness is way too sweet for my taste buds! I tried SoBe and found it to be just the right viscosity and sweetness.

I like the Yumberry Pomegrante and fuji apple and dragonberry. I like all of them, in fact, but I find myself leaning towards the Yumberry most of the time...probably because of the name!
I started Chemo not knowing what to expect and it took several treatments before I was able to become accustomed to all of the side effects and how to deal with them. I read forums and blogs and talked to the Doctors and other people. A lot of the time I got an answer, "Well, everyone is different..." I do know that there are some commonalities though: constipation, hydration, fatigue and weird pains!
That is why I decided to keep this blog updated every step of the way. So that other people can know what to expect and how I am able to cope !
So, the lesson for today is if you want to stay hydrated and you want something that won't choke you and tastes just right and doesn't contain artificial sweeteners and a lot of other garbage -- grab yourself a bottle of SoBe and see if it works for you like it does for me ! This is unsolicited, but if I find a product that I think highly of, then I am going to shout it to the World !
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

2nd Round of Chemo--Alimta

Well, I had my second round of Alimta on Friday. It went well and faster, too. Last time it took 4 hours but this time it was only 2 hours ! That's an improvement. I looked at my blog from the 1st Alimta and I couldn't get any sleep for a couple of days. This time, I have laid down twice for a couple of hours and couldn't sleep--so I guess that is normal.The lack of sleep is because of the steroids they give me before and after the treatment that is to prevent a rash. I had a rash for several days before this last treatment. On my shoulder and then my back. The medicine apparently works right up until the next treatment.
I also felt like my head was warm, like a fever, but I checked and I didn't have a fever. I started feeling flu-like symptoms but they didn't last long. The extreme fatigue hasn't set in yet, but I imagine that it will by tomorrow evening. I will have to pace myself and watch out for it. It usually lasts for 4-5 days, I think. And then I feel pretty normal.

A woman from the church, Brenda, gave me a ride to my Oncologist on Thursday and then took me to my Chemo on Friday. I am so blessed to belong to a church that can help me with transportation when I need it. My wife has an irratic work schedule so she is not always available.
While I was receiving my Chemo, Marty the Clown stopped by and brought me a really cool shirt...clown shirt...one that squeaks...check it out:

                                      --------> click for video New Shirt

My next Chemo will be on August 31. I need to start looking for some part-time work. I wasn't able to work during my first round of Chemo this year (6 months) because it really laid me low. And, although I kept a good attitude, I know that it was in the back of my mind that things could go horribly wrong...that it could get away from me. I never got depressed, but I came close a few times. Cancer is a strong determinant of how you think about your life. I just kept praying for others and telling God that I was ready to go where ever he had a plan for me. Whether it was to stay on this Earth or to be in Heaven...or to Go to Mars !  Anyway, I made it through the first 6 months of this year and, originally, I thought I might not make it through the Summer. Now, I am hoping to make it to Christmas. According to my Doctors, I have responded well to the Chemo so far and have a good chance of going 4 or 5 more years. But, I will leave that to the Lord. I won't quit, I won't back down, but I will accept whatever comes my way...
I have been fortunate to enjoy a lot of Clowning so far this year. Most of it Volunteer or simply going out and sharing the Smiles. While I am looking for work, I will continue looking for Clown gigs and also volunteer wherever I am needed to do some clowning.
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!!

When Normal is Great !

It has been 3 weeks since my last Chemo and the first experience with Alimta. So far, the only bad side effects are fatigue and most of that has abated. I get tired easily if I am doing physical stuff, but I mostly feel myself again!
 Although, I had a nightmare last night wherein a large angelfish was trying to chew my toes off. I awoke screaming (I don't guess it was out loud because it didn't wake my wife) and the first thing I noticed was that my toes felt like they were being stabbed by an ice-pick! I jumped up and ran into the living room and grabbed my eucalyptus/spearmint lotion and slathered it on. I checked my med-log and noticed that it had been 5 hours since my last pain med, so I took one. Then I decided to walk outside to get some fresh air and walk it off. But, there was a skunk in the back yard! I looked around and saw a half-brick lying by the drain spout and I threw it at him to try to get him to leave the yard. He looked at me with a look that said, "Want to try that again?" Now, he wasn't threatening me, he was merely calling attention to my foolishness. So, I went back inside and out the front door and walked around for about 10 minutes in front of the house. I felt better and finally made it back to sleep. But all and all I feel pretty good. My feet always seem to be half-asleep and tingling and burning, but the pain meds take that away.
I have another treatment coming up...maybe this Friday, I don't know. I see my oncologist on Thursday and I surmise he will let me know what will happen. I read an article on the BBC website that said that Chemo treatments actually work against themselves because when they attack normal cells, the body strengthens its immune system and fights the Chemo. That means that the Chemo becomes ineffective, or less effective, over time. I had read on several cancer forums that medications cease to be effective after awhile, so I guess this is the reason (or one of them) why.
For the last 5 years or so I have had the pleasure of entertaining at a family reunion in Wilmington for the Oldest Black Family reunion in the country. It started in 1893! I was wondering if I would get a call this year--as the usual date was fast approaching. I had this on my mind when I got home from running some errands last Thursday and lo and behold---they called me for that Saturday! My wife graciously drove me to the reunion and it was a lot of fun and a grand experience! At one point they mentioned that it was President Obama's Birthday and though I am not a big fan of his leadership, I gladly joined in when they sang Happy Birthday ! We should always celebrate another person's Birthday.
Here is a video of me at the Reunion:

                                                     click HERE:   Simpson Family Reunion 2012


Also, I will appearing at a local library this Wednesday. I hope to do some Magic and Walkaround and, of course, twist some balloons:

Things are looking up...this pic is from a print that Patty Vicknair sent to me. She painted it. She is a remarkable artist and the link to her site and paintings is on the right side of this page-----> .

I imagine the next Chemo will put me out of action for a week with extreme fatigue, but the Lord is good and I hope that it goes as well as last time and that I can get some more Normal!

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !

Why Are You Shouting?

So far I am feeling pretty good. Time doesn't mean a whole lot to me right now, but I know that after my first Alimta treatment, I was very, very, very tired. The steroids and B-12 and folic acid struggled to keep me afloat and standing up and it did that-- but it only made me more fatigued. Anyway, I feel better now and I feel like I have my mind back. For seven months this year it was a struggle to focus on a steady stream of thought. And, I had that "Chemo-brain" for a time that made me forget who I was and where I was. So, I am busy exploring Mars again and I am becoming fascinated with world events and, simply, Everything !  Probably the steroids ! I clowned at a picnic yesterday and felt normal and wasn't too tired afterward. Of course, I have another treatment coming up in a week or two so we won't think about that right now. I am just enjoying the Normal !
So, let me have a gentle rant about something:  the Chick-fil-a thingie. I know absolutely nothing about it ! Why? Because everybody is Shouting !  I love to surf the web and talk to people and look for the Truth, but in this case it is drowned-out by all of the shouting.

                                               from the Aids Memorial Quilt

My older brother died from Aids when he was only 47 years of age. Very young and very tragic. I loved him and looked-up to him and respected him. I knew that he was gay when we were still in high school. He was somewhat tormented because he had a crush on someone far away. And, he was also afraid of what my parents would think. I remember they offered to take him for counseling. Mainly because he needed to talk to someone who knew about the societal problems he might face and also so that my parents could gain more understanding. Of course, I wasn't in on all of the conversations so I don't know what all was going on. I know that they were determined to be accepting.
I am going to touch on a few different things here, mainly because they shape my perceptions and dialogue.
So, I know someone  close who was gay. And, had AIDS.
For a time, I was homeless in the Cincinnati area and I used to run errands for disabled people, for elderly people and for AIDS patients. At one point I was able to obtain an apartment in Covington, Kentucky and I occupied it for some 7-8 months until I (and the rest of the residents in the apartment complex) discovered that we had been paying our rent to someone who didn't even own the buildings. That's another story...
Anyway, I used to help out some of my neighbors who were illiterate. I would help them fill out forms or applications and I would help their children with their homework because their parents could not read or write. When they found out that I was helping AIDS patients, they were afraid to come to my apartment or let me into theirs. Why? Because they equated AIDS with a bad case of the flu and were afraid that I would cause a deadly outbreak! So, I tried patiently to explain the nature of the transmission of AIDS and I told them of my brother and how he only weighed about 28 lbs. when he died. I then called the local Health Department and had them send a representative over to talk to my neighbors (3 or 4 families). I even went so far as to go and have an AIDS test so they could see that their was no stigma attached to it, that I didn't have AIDS (because I hadn't engaged in any at-risk behavior---like blood transfusions or dirty needles or relationships with infected people, etc.).
It really helped to allay their fears and to educate them. In fact, my neighbors became sympathetic to the plight of the people I knew that had AIDS and began to help me run errands, secure services, etc.
Throughout my life I have always found that you can remove prejudices through a normal and patient discourse.
I have a lot of other examples that come to mind that deal with race and religion and country of origin..but, they all have a common denominator: unless people have a pleasant experience with another person, they are likely to find a reason to dislike them. "I don't like him because he has tatoos." or "I don't like her because she doesn't have any children."  Crazy reasons...

So now, back to Chik-fil-A...It is not only the Chik story but a lot of other madness that is going on
in the country today. People on both sides of an issue would rather throw tantrums than talk about it.
The news media picks up the shouting and nobody learns anything or even understands what the shouting is all about. Boston and Chicago want to ban the franchise from their cities? Do we all have to start putting on our national ID card what our sexual proclivities are? Do we need to avow that we are partial to redheads? Do we have to list such fetishes as patent-leather red shoes with 9-inch spikes? Does the ChikFilA chain meet customers at the door and ask them if they are in a relationship--and if so, with whom and what for and why?
I have heard so many versions of the story and so much ranting that I really haven't a clue as to what it is all about. All I know is that normal people express themselves in a culture through the way they depict themselves in Art and Literature, in the way they dress, in their music and in their dialogue.
When I go out to a restaurant, I don't walk in the door and shout at the top of my lungs, "How does the Owner feel about Dutch Elm Disease ?!!" 
If someone wants to know how I feel about Gays I will be happy to tell them. If someone wants to argue about it before I even give my opinion, then I will walk away. If someone wants to shout at me I will wait, patiently, for them to finish shouting and then I will be happy to listen to what is on their mind. But people who continually throw tantrums and scream and throw themselves on the floor and hold their breath until their face turns blue (I have nothing against blue faces) should try to calm down and clear their mind and start all over again...slowly, intelligently and politely. Otherwise, I won't be able to ascertain whether you really have a problem or are just over-tired and need a nice nap.
In this era of reality TV and all of the melodrama of acting immature to get your way, people are starting to tune-out and move onto meatier issues. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe we can look around and see people that are quietly suffering with poverty or health issues and we can lend a hand. Maybe we can slip away from all of the shouting and find a quiet spot where we can meditate on things that are truly important in this country-- at this time. And, maybe when all of the wailing and gnashing of teeth abates, we can discover what all the ruckus was about...
One thing is for sure, no matter who you are or where you are from...if you see me out and about I will gladly make a Princess Wand or an Alien Sword for you --- out of balloons. And, it will be a pleasure to demonstrate the technique for handling them. Because I am a Clown and that is what Clowns do...and we do it with a smile !
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !

My Kingdom for a Nap

This new Chemo drug is a wee bit less than the other Chemo treatments. Whenever I would come home from the previous plan, I would feel fairly normal for a couple of days and would have various stabbing pains and aches...then, I would start feeling tired and would try to live life normally and be mildly amused by the pricks of pain as the drugs roamed in my body, zapping cells that seemed suspicious. This new drug, Alimta, mostly hands me extreme fatigue. I can get going, but I can't keep going. I feel so drained, even though they gave me B-12, folic acid, and steroids. My appetitite is still fine. A difference in the fatigue, though, is that it is unrelenting. Since Friday, I have tried to get some sleep--or even take a nap. I lie down and try to listen to podcasts (the usual: Bob and Ray, Writers and Company, Jack Benny, Laugh out Loud, et. al.). I may doze for a few minutes or even an hour, but I don't feel the satisfaction of a Rest. There is no rejuvenating REM's or warmth of a re-charge. I wake up just as tired and uncomfortable as when I first lay down.
This evening, though, I slept for about 3 hours and actually felt some relief ! And, then, my wife and I watched the season opener of Warehouse 13 on Scy-fy and I fell asleep in the last 5 minutes of the show. But, woke after 20 minutes and was mildly refreshed. So, maybe I will be able to handle some of  these side effects with the Alimta.
I have gotten out and about and have done some housework and even tried to do some yardwork. But, I get so tired so quickly, that I can't sustain much activity. Maybe now that I am getting some refreshing naps I will begin to get some semblance of energy. There are some clowning things I want to do this week and I am going to try to do them. Seems like in the last couple of months, whenever I have lined-up 3 or 4 major activities in a week, I can usually do at least 2 of them. We'll see--and I will try to perservere!
My Hair is roaring back ! I was fairly used to my bald pate and everyone else seemed to enjoy it. When you are bald, you have no limit on hats and wigs and funny stuff to put on your head ! A side effect of this new drug is possible hair loss so it might be two steps forward and one step back. Who knows? Anybody? I have been shaving every day for the last couple of weeks also. All I need is for my voice to start changing and it will be like going through a second Puberty ! I am actually getting some acne, too.
Here is a picture from a Block Party in Fairborn in 2009. I was walking a Premonition of my fallen hair! People would come up and say, "That's not a real dog !"  To which I always reply, "Of course it is and his name is JoJo!"  Relenting later, I would confess that it was my Hamster named JoeJoe and he was disguised as a dog so the cats wouldn't go for him !

I have been reading some forums and following some more Cancer blogs. It is hard to pay attention to all of them, but I try. I try to learn from them--at least compare my experience. One blog, in particular, that I read is by SK, a man from Malaysia.His Blog--Living With Lung Cancer He has an amazing faith in the Lord and a lot of good information and insight. Keep him in your prayers and send him an email--or at least some good vibes. Knowing that there are people out there, no matter how remote, that care and acknowledge you, means a lot. This is a lonely journey--make no mistake about it !

I receive a lot of support from family and friends....and, no matter how social I try to be and how much I try to stay focused or happy or whatever, it still feels like this battle is so personal and mysterious that it can only be fought alone. The Lord heals. The doctors treat. The people around me help out in amazing ways. In the final analysis, the thought process is always on guard, alert, watching and waiting. The brain cells listening for any sign of redemption. Any pain or ache or discomfort is merely a sign of cancer--a given. What I watch for is normalcy---continued normalcy. There are patterns of fatigue and sickness and pain. But, I watch for a pattern of normalcy. If I do this, will I have energy? If I eat this will I feel better? If I go for a walk and smile at someone, will I feel a glow inside?

The Cancer seems as if it can act without reason or retribution. If it is knocked down, it doesn't seem to care because it knows it is always a threat to you and no matter how weak or strong you might feel, it can come back and attack you at anytime. I can ignore it and keep on keeping on, which I mostly do...but it is a constant nag. It is the opposite of how one lives a life. We mostly notice when we don't feel well. With cancer, I know that I am not well and that doesn't bother me. What I am watching for is feeling Normal. It is an odd turn of events and it takes some concentration. Is this a normal feeling? Will it last?

Anyway, this round of Chemo seems to be going well. My Red Nose is still on straight and my smile is as big as ever ! I feel strong and I feel Happy.

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Here I Go Again

I have begun a new treatment of a Cancer Preventive drug called Alimta. You can read more about it here:  ALIMTA

This drug will maintain the effect of my initial Chemo treatments and help to keep the cancer from re-appearing in another form. I believe in my soul that the Lord has healed me... and, I know from the previous medical treatments that my Doctors have been doing everything they can and that the PET scans and blood tests and CAT scans show that my Cancer has been checked and knocked out.
There is a possibility that the cancer can creep back into my body however, and I have chosen to continue with this new treatment in hopes that it will help others that are faced with this choice. If it works, of if it helps to extend my life and add some knowledge for future patients and future studies then it is a good thing. If I had chosen not to do this treatment and lived another 5 years...who knows...if I take this treatment and live another 5 years, they will be able to tell if it was the result of the treatment or if the treatment was negligible...and, that would be good knowledge for the drug company and for the future patient.
The infusion last only about 15 minutes, but they again filled me with premeds and gave me a B-12 shot. All of the premeds and the B-12 seemed to be to help with my energy levels...I wasn't given these with my other Chemo drugs and they really wore me out...so, this stuff must be powerful ! When I got home, I had been stuck about 3-4 places !  Anyway, no ill effects and I went for a walk afterwards and then ate an egg and drank some ginger ale. I grabbed some SOBE water(Hooray for SOBE, I need to write them), the only good stuff I can find, along with Grapefruit juice--NOT from concentrate-- that is all natural and does not ruin the experience with a lot of sugar or Sucralose...I can't believe they sneak that stuff into SunnyDlite orange juice, local home-made Mehaffies Apple Pies, Five-hour energy drink, Fuze, etc.
I know they must get a good price cut, but if their customers perceive (wrongfully or rightfully) that sucralose and aspartame cause medical problems and they lose a lot of good customers, then was it worth it...there are a lot of Dummies and Gamblers in the business world and they realize their idiotic mistakes much too late...think with your heart and head, not with you wallets and your crotch !
So, so far I am feeling pretty good. My last chemos kicked into high gear 3 days later and lasted a week or more with bad energy and roving pains...but manageable. I fully plan to kick back hard at this treatment...I am going to look for work and try to get off disability...it doesn't pay the bills and I don't want anything holding me back from enjoying life...even if I can work part-time, I should be able to afford extra ice-cream and balloons and what-not...
Anyway, the treatment today actually lasted from 8am to Noon because of the premeds and watching for reactions and getting blood results. the nurse was surprised that I was Stage IV Lung Cancer and looking and doing so well !  And, all of the nurses had to laugh when I read them that a side effect of Alimta might be that my hair would fall out....It was just starting to GROW-BACK !!!!
  Oh well...

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Clowning Sources

People are always asking where I get my wacky ideas when I am clowning. Most of the time they just pop into my head. Of course, when a clown is in the Element, the more things go wrong the better the clowning goes. We are going to have balloons pop while we are blowing them up and it always elicits a laugh. Most clowns have a line that they use when that happens, i.e. "I meant to do that!" or "Is someone making popcorn?". If a magic trick goes awry it is a good thing for a clown. In fact, there are magic tricks provided for clowns that feature a failure!
I just noticed that a well-known clown is on Facebook ( and we friended each other). His name is Bubba and he has a wealth of ideas. I have attended more than a few of his classes at Clown Conferences and I remember one time in particular that he was talking about the clowning opportunities he finds in his numerous travels. He said that he was at a truck stop, or restaurant, and noticed the restroom signs and saw an opportunity to clown around. I should mention that he also has a clown ministry. He said that it popped into his cranium that he should attach the letter "A" in front of the sign for the Men's room. Now, clowns don't steal other clown's gags, even though they might give permission. So, if you are in a truck stop or at a restaurant and see an altered restroom sign, you can be sure that Bubba was there! He has an active clown mind and is always looking for opportunities to share some wackiness.
Bubba also has an amazing clown store. Whenever someone asks where I get some of my gags or props I always use my standard line, "From the Secret Clown Store!" It is not that I don't want civilians messing around with Clown Stuff, it's just a line that I came up with one time when I couldn't remember where I had actually bought the thing...but, I will share the link to Bubba's Clown Supplies because he has the biggest variety of any clown store ! **** click on this ---> BUBBA

That is a part of clowning. Seeing something normal and finding a way to inject some humor into it.
I posted a video yesterday that demonstrates that attitude:

Clown Nose Life Extension (video link)

Someone asked how I thought of leaving the nose in the package and I figured that it popped into my head as I was just looking at the package...but, upon further reflection, I realize that it must have been a subconscious explosion from an experience from my toddler years. You see, my mother used to give my brothers and I a treat occasionally and I remember how she would sometimes give us suckers that still had the cellophane on them. The little, colorful suckers with the white stick. We would have them in our mouths while we were playing and after an hour of tasteless enjoyment, we would lay them down. My mom would notice this and then take the wrapper off. Voila! A brand new sucker--with Flavor !!! Years later I asked her about this and her only explanation was that we were fairly poor and, we being so young and gullible, the suckers would last all afternoon!
My father also had a weird sense of humor. I remember him and my mom arguing (mildly) one time about toys. He mentioned that he never had any toys while he was growing-up. My mother responded by saying that he was "full of it" because he was spoiled because he was an only child. My father said, no he didn't have any toys. But, growing-up on a farm, he remembered one time when his mother was out in the barnyard and looking for something for dinner. He said she grabbed a duck and wrung it's neck and then proceeded to clean it. When she was finished, she called my dad over and handed him the duck's bill and told him to go play. He said he ran around the barnyard all afternoon with that duck bill in his hand and yelling "Quack, Quack, Quack...". He said that was the only toy he remembered and that ended the argument in a hail of laughter !
So, I don't know where my ideas actually come from. I only know that having been exposed to parents with a wonderfully skewed sense of humor and by attending Clown Conferences...and by always looking for the "Zany" in my life experiences--there is always a treasure trove of ideas.
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Proud as a Peacock (and Just as Pretty)

      (credit: Sunflower Clowne)
I was able to participate in the Fairborn Parade for the 4th of July this past week! And, I walked nearly the whole thing !
In Klown Kollege we were taught to cover our arms and if our neck was bare, we should apply make-up to the front and sides and back of the neck. However, it being so very, very hot on the 4th, I chose to wear my Red Skelton T-shirt with a pair of formal shirt cuffs w/jeweled cuff-links. I took my new, formal jacket replete with medals and colorful epaulets and made good use of it when I passed the viewing stand.
The Giggles and Grins Clown Alley had a sparse attendance, possibly due to the heat. Mickey, Boof, Sunflower, Good Grief and Wally were there. The crowd was surprisingly large and, as always, very appreciative of the Spectacle. I passed a few stickers out to the audience as well as a very few, select clown noses.
I walked the first portion of the Parade and as we neared the viewing stand I climbed into the GnG truck and put on my Jacket. But, I was able to walk four-fifths of the Parade! I don't know how I did it. Possibly because I had a B-12 shot a few days prior and was starting on a regimen of Folic Acid, I don't know. Maybe it was because I was so excited to be able to attend my first parade for this year. I started the year taking fairly long walks, but back in April or so I found that I could only walk a hundred yards or so before my energy gave out.

So, I was very proud to be able to walk in the Parade! And, I fully expected to pay dearly for it the next day. However, I wasn't sore or overly-tired! The weather has remained hot and even though I had some more events to do, I decided that I had better not push my luck and so I have pretty much stayed home for the days since the Parade.
I really want to being doing more and hopefully I will get the chance. Right now, though, I need to re-build my strength in order to start my new Chemo treatment on the 21st of July. The previous 6 Chemos took a lot out of me and I have no idea what this new drug will be doing with me. As soon as I start the treatment and can see how well I am doing on it, I may be able to start volunteering again at the library and looking for some other opportunities. I certainly hope so.
With regards to Cancer, I have been thinking about how fortunate I am to be doing so well, It is a real shock to one's lifestyle to realize that every change in your body makes you immediately think of the Cancer. I used to think that my aches and pains were related to aging or my bad back. When I got some sniffles I figured that I was getting allergies or a cold. But, not anymore. Any little change in my health immediately raises red flags and I wonder if the cancer is coming back to attack me again. Of course, some things I wonder if the Chemo is responsible, but it is always at the forefront of my thoughts that Cancer is going to try to do me in. No matter how much I try to ignore it or put it out of my mind, it is just something that won't get out of my thoughts. I would imagine that anyone that has been diagnosed with cancer feels this way. Even if you find that the cancer has been defeated or pushed into remission, you are always on the alert for signs that it is back knocking on your door! Bummer...I should just roll with the punches and joke about it...maybe someday I will.

                                                 Sunflower, Boof and Careful the Clown (credit: M.Thompson)

                                                  Sunflower, Careful the Clown and Mickey(credit: M.Thompson)

I am so happy to have been in the Parade! And, happy to hang out with my Clown Buddies! And, Proud to have been able to walk so far with the Parade!
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

The Endgame

I went to see my Doctor this past Thursday to get the results of my PET scan. I had read that when people finish their Chemo treatments, they sometimes experience depression because of the lack of attention that they had been getting during Chemo...of course, I have had such great, ongoing support from my family and friends, my church, the Clown community, the Medical community, Facebook and, of course, the Lord ! My only concern after my last Chemo was that I wanted to be able to regain my energy level.
I remember how I had to sleep in a recliner for 12 weeks or more, beginning in December of last year and how I couldn't wait to be able to lie down, to roll over and stretch out and to sleep longer than 3 or four hours ! And, the Chemo wreaked havoc on my body and energy. I tried to exercise and rebuild my muscle tone and body mass. The Chemo had other ideas. It targets normal cells as well as cancer cells. So, when you are trying to get some muscle tone, the Chemo attacks you. I would be walking around the house and it would feel like I was stepping on a tack now and again. If I did stretching exercises and resistance exercises, I would experience stabbing pains in my side, my stomach, my arms, my chest. I knew what they were. The Pac-Man Chemo undoing the work I had been trying to do to rebuild my body. It was a delicate dance.
I weathered the Chemo pretty well. And, although my doses of pain medication fluctuated wildly, I didn't overdo it or depend on it. After a Chemo treatment I might have to take my pain meds every 2-3 hours for a week to feel better. And, then I would go back to every 5 hours for a time. Then to every 3 hours (which seemed to be best for me). Lately, I have been going 5-7 hours between medication. Occasionally I have to go back to every 3 hours. They say that it is not good to chase pain...and, that is true. If I go 7 hours without a pill, it takes a while to get back to being pain free. The pain is mostly in my neck from the biopsy. It feels like a hand has grabbed the side of my neck and is trying to twist a part of it out. And, that makes my shoulder throb. But, I have been trying to see how long I can go without the pain medication--with mixed results.
So, back to the Dr. visit...I went there feeling very upbeat. The friends that gave me the ride were going to let me accompany them to see their sister who is in rehab from a double knee replacement. She is also a long-time friend of mine.
When I got to the Dr. they ushered me into the lab for a blood test, which surprised me. I hadn't expected it. But, I always joke and clown with the ladies in the lab and did so this time. I gave the woman who stuck my finger a clown sticker and a clown nose. She remarked that she had seen the pictures that I had sent to the office, thanking the Dr. and staff for their fine treatment of me and their compassion and professionalism.

 Then, I went into the Dr's office. He said that the PET scan showed me to be cancer-free...
(from the report): "Many of the lung lesions are no longer present and the ones that were present have benign uptake values...No definite new lesions are identified."
He did say, however, that my type of cancer was shown to come back and to present itself in different ways or areas. So, he was going to start me on a new treatment regimen with a drug called Alimta. I would need to take B-12 shots and take folic acid and another drug to prevent skin rash. He wanted to start me on it right away. He asked me if I wanted to think about it. I did, but I told him that I would tentatively start on July 21st. The office then set me up an appointment for a few hours later to get the B-12. I was in shock. And, riding with someone else. I told them I didn't feel like walking home, that it was 20 miles away and that I would call them later.
I left the office totally bummed out...mostly out of consternation. I should have talked more to the Doctor, but I was in shock. I was looking forward to regaining a normal life...to regaining my energy levels. I asked him how long I would need the treatments. He indicated (unspokenly) that it was undetermined. He did say, however, that I would be on the treatments indefinitely unless he decided to stop them.
I went to visit my friend and then came home. I told a few people of the new development. Some responses were, "If you are healed, why go for more treatments?" And, of course, I read how some people forgo treatments and live a long time. And, some people do well with the treatments, some don't. It is an energy killer so that is why they give you folic acid and B-12 and steroids. Also, I read that this type of treatment needs to be started right away after a typical Chemo regimen.
The studies I read said that it increases a person's lifespan by 2-3 months over someone that had a placebo. Some people have been taking it for several years. Some couldn't tolerate it.
I have decided to start with it. It might mean going back to feeling the roller-coaster effects that I had with the other Chemo. I trust in the Lord's healing and the medical treatments. I accept my healing. But, I also feel that if the cancer is going to try to come knocking on my door again that I should make it difficult for it to enter. I also feel that, by undergoing this further treatment, more can be learned so that other patients will have better knowledge. I will try the stuff and stop it if it becomes too much for me. I won't look for an easy way out, though. If I have to go through another year of difficulty in order to gain more time, I am all for it.
I have been praying unceasingly. Not for me, but for others. For people with problems...for people without problems. For blessings for all. For wisdom and fairness and compassion from the Leaders of this world. For an end of suffering for those in War Zones. For lots of things. But, I have told the Lord that he has the promise of where he needs me...Heaven or Earth (or Mars).
On Sunday, I plan to participate in a softball tournament. My friend, Gary, has always coached teams and has entered his family and friends and neighbors in this tournament. He has called the team, Fenton's Follies Featuring Careful the Clown ! That means that I get to clown and I will surely get to bat at least once !

On the 3rd, I plan to be at the Fairborn Block Party to do some Walk-Around clowning. Then, on the 4th, I plan to participate in the Fairborn Parade.
Next weekend, the 6th and 7th, I plan to be at the Dayton Airshow with the Mars Society. I have been there several years and sometimes I twist Alien Swords and Princess Wand balloons. I talk with the attendees about Mars Exploration. The Mars Society always has an excellent exhibit.
So, I have a lot planned between now and the New Treatment on the 21st. After that? Who knows...with the Grace of God I will be able to get back to some gainful employment. I look forward to the day when I can be Clowning with Gusto! (Gusto is not another clown...). I have billed myself as Almost Famous..and then, Nearly Famous. I have joked that I am unsure as to whether I am eligible to attend a Cancer Survivor event. I would like to forget that this whole thing ever happened!
One thing is certain, however--Life is Good, Life is an Adventure !