Good Times

Most of this past week was pretty bad...mainly fatigue-wise. It started on Monday and lasted through Thursday. I tried to walk to the Park (about a block) and barely made it. I sat down for awhile and nearly became depressed. People were playing volleyball and tennis; and, families were enjoying the playground equipment. I wondered how people could have so much energy and why my energy level would dissipate so rapidly...but, I walked home and went to bed and on Friday I felt much better. I think exercise, no matter how little, really does make a difference. It always seems to help relieve joint pain and gives me more stamina the next day.
I think my Chemo-brain has abated, also. I was really having a time with it. It just felt like I was in a fog and my memory was completely shot from minute to second. I don't know a lot about Chemo-brain, but, I know that it is real. I don't know if it will return. I have heard that it goes away after Chemo is finished. I didn't know that it would go away while I was still being treated though. I'll have to do some more research on it.
On Saturday I was invited to a birthday party. I have known the family since sixth grade. I visit Susan and her husband several times a week. Her sister, Linda, is the one with the birthday...only two children were present so I didn't do a whole lot of balloon-twisting. Luckily, I brought a lot of props. And, I did a skit about a dragon, a little girl and her teddy bear and a prince and a frog and a wizard. This week just happened to be National Princess Week (I found out by watching Martha Stewart and Julie Andrews) and the skit was very appropo. Since it was such a light crowd, 4 dogs, 2 children and a dozen adults, it was a very relaxing afternoon. I feel like my life is on hold and it is so very hard to get things done when one is so dog-tired all of the time..but, Clowning always perks me up and makes me feel better ! Especially when I see the smiles and happiness it brings to others. I feel like I still have some worth !

Linda and nieces...all Princesses !

Susan has been working on a gift for me and she presented it to me at the Party. It is an embroidery work of four famous Clowns. Framed and everything !(2 feet by 3 feet) What a sensational, thoughtful gift !

The next day or two I will try to take it easy because I know from past experience that if I get carried away trying to do too much that I really extend the exhaustive state of chemo. The last time I started feeling good and trying to go visiting too many people and trying to take care of business, I ended up feeling bad for an extra 10 days. So, even though it is against my personal philosophy of soldiering-on, I have to tell myself to relax, take a nap, wait a couple of days, and then, slowly, get back into the flow of things. I have some things to do around the house and some phone calls to make--light stuff that won't sap too much energy for the next day or so.

And, I really need to re-design this blog and re-read it so that I don't fall into redundancies. It is one thing to have some short-term memory loss. But, that is no excuse for not reviewing what I have already blogged about so that I can pursue dropped train-of-thoughts, fill in some gaps, or, simply, make sure that I am not writing the same things over and over and over again !

As always--Human Compassion and Caring and Laughter and Prayers and Friendships and Family are the Keys to Survival and Healing !

Life is Good, Life is an Adventure !

What Day is This ?

Well, I had my 4th Chemo last Friday the 20th of April. I slept through most of it, as I usually do. It takes 7-8 hours and there is no sense in trying to read or watch TV or think great thoughts. I usually turn on my MP3 and listen to Bob and Ray archives or Canadian podcasts: Writers and Co., The Next Chapter, Laugh Out Loud...which brings this annoyance to mind. I remember vinyl records, 8 tracks and cassettes. If you were listening to a song or book and missed something or wanted to review it, you could REWIND...not so with MP3's -- at least, I haven't found that magic key. But, the podcasts that I like to listen to are worth repeating from the beginning so I guess it is all right. Except for Car Talk. That podcast is so frenetic that the laughter and nonsense doesn't reach the level of laughter the 2nd and 3rd time around. Although it is educational in an odd sort of way if you want to know how many different types of noises signal transmission and brake problems...maybe.

So, I had my Chemo and was tired afterward from all the sleeping that I experienced. Saturday, I got out for a bit and then went to Church to enjoy some fellowship and music and the Pastor asked me to give a testimony about my Cancer. From the beginning I have been at Peace. I have never thought of a Bucket List. I have always been worried and concerned about others. My trust in the Lord is that he will give me the Patience, Wisdom, Strength and Love to bring me along this journey--no matter where it leads.
I visit Gary and Susan several times a week and yesterday as I was leaving they gave me a card. It was a beautiful card and it had a scripture inside:  "Thus says the Lord...I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you."  Isaiah 38:5
Oddly, I have no tears. I have been reading some Cancer blogs tonite and they are informative and a lot of them have common threads. I was talking with a friend the other day who went through treatments and she mentioned that each person and each cancer and each treatment is different. I had heard this from some other survivors. Reading the blogs re-inforced that notion. A person's genetic makeup and their reponses to treatments are all so individual that it is hard to compare them. But, one thing seems common and that is a quiet understanding that it is out of your control and you have to trust your Doctors, the Staff, your caregivers and the Lord...as well as your inner soul.
I am perplexed at how some fighters continue to be so active and continue to work. But, then I also find that some are put at a complete standstill. I think I am somewhat in the middle. I feel motivated and interested in doing things but it is as if my battery has a short life and as soon as I start on something, I have run out of energy. My joints hurt to the point of annoyance but it is not overwhelming. I have a great appetite but it is negated by a bitter taste in my mouth for the first week after I have Chemo. When I broke my back years ago, I was able to tweek my activities and find ways to get relief and discover things that would aggravate the condition. But, with this cancer, there is no roadmap. No two days are the same. What might work one day does not work the next. I am resigned to just going with the flow and watching and waiting. I think that is the most disconcerting thing about cancer. It is out of your control. I am amazed at how professional and nice my Doctor and his staff and the Hospital are. I am comforted by my friends and church and the Lord. I know that although I have little control over this, except to be a good patient and a good person, that what happens will happen and it will be a mystery. I am saying this because when I read the blogs of cancer patients, they seem to have a lot of inner peace in common....and, then, some of them just STOP....cut-off! One moment a person is just blogging away and then there are no more entries. I find myself looking at the dates to see how current they are. Blogging away with hope and satisfaction and peace and then...nothing. The stories are all so very important, though. Such full and vibrant lives with friends and family. The living and the passed. I don't see any depression or hopelessness in these blogs. I didn't want to read any cancer blogs because I thought that it would be depressing. But, I found just the opposite. I found that there are such meaningful people and lives that walk this uncertain journey. They are living and planning up until the last blog entry.
Tonite there is an Alley meeting. Clowns. I am looking forward to it. We had our Birthday Party last month and will be getting photos from that shindig tonite. I will be anxious to see them. And to visit with the clowns. You would think that it is all frivolity and a circus atmosphere...you would be mostly right ! I believe LullaBelle and Zilcho have a program planned about Storytelling and Drawing. Actually, the listing says LullaBelle, but Zilcho is never far behind. They are the best pair of Clowns I have ever seen working together...really.
I am not sure how to link to the blogs I have read tonite...but I will post 3 and then mess around with this blog later to see how to link them on the menu. Seems google has changed their dashboard and I haven't investigated it yet. So, for now, have a look at some other blogs and Life is Good, Life is an Adventure...
Fawn's Journal
Melissa Waller lung cancer
sk Living with lung cancer

Good News !

I saw my oncologist this morning. He told me that if I started to smoke again that he would prefer that I roll my own...because he said I needed the exercise !

Okay, that was a joke...but, here is the good news. I had a CAT scan on Tuesday and he said that it showed that the tumor in my lymph node in my neck and the tumors in my lungs were Gone !!! That is after only three Chemos !  I have a Chemo in the morning though and he wants to give me 2 more after that one so I will have 6 altogether just to make sure that it doesn't try to come back or show up somewhere else.

I trusted in the Lord and a lot of people were praying for me. I hope that other people going through the same situation and their families can find the same peace and comfort and strength that I have experienced through this trial. I am glad that I will have more time to Clown around and bring smiles to others. And, I hope that my family can stop worrying...for now.

So, I am going to watch Family Feud and relax tonite and go for Chemo in the morning. I have Kisses for the nurses tomorrow (Hersey Kisses) and then I plan to enjoy the weekend.

Life is Good, Life is an Adventure ! More blog tomorrow nite...Love to all !

It's Been A While

I can't believe that it has been two weeks or more since I have updated this blog. I started and stopped an article several times. I was writing about how much I enjoyed our Alley's Birthday Bash and am still working on it...

I have been doing all right, I guess. I feel fine except for fatigue and, maybe, Chemo Brain. I don't obsess about it, but I have extremely short term memory issues. I can't walk from one room to the next without forgetting what I am doing. As long as I just stay focused on one thing, I am all right. I have so many things to catch up on though. I have a million or more phone calls to make. And, my project right now is shopping for/hunting small, round batteries for all of the little gadgets and sparkly twinkling lights that I have. I bought a finger lite that takes 3 batteries. The lite cost 99 cents and it takes 3 batteries at 4.99 each. Most of my gadgets call for 2 or three batteries. I am never--Ever ! going to buy anything that takes these little watch batteries !!! The stuff I have are really neat but the price for batteries is obscene !

I was supposed to have my 4th Chemo last week and the doctor wants to have a CAT scan first. So, I guess after the CAT scan he may order another Chemo next week. Originally I had two CAT scans scheduled for May and June. He wants one next week though...

I don't know what to think about my Chemo possibly coming to an end. I think he said that I would have 5 of them. If the tumor has shrunk to a small or nonexistent size then that will be good. I will spend the next few months and "years" wondering when I will be struck down again. I have been reading several Cancer-oriented magazines but I don't know what to think about them. They all seem to have an agenda. A lot of the material is the same. One is very good, however, as it has a lot of info and resources. The others are heavy with ads and articles promoting the sale of your Life Insurance or praising chemical trials. I was looking for info on help with medical expenses but they all say the same thing: read your health insurance policy carefully...yeah, that is if you have insurance!

The bill collectors have started their mantras and, since I just got on Disability I am forbidden from working...but, if I can find the right job, I will forgo the disability.

I should look into Medicaid but you pretty much have to be dirt poor and I think you have to pay it back. I trust in the Lord and so far he has carried me. I am so fortunate not to have a lot of pain or a lot of side effects or other health issues. I pray for all the people that are experiencing unpleasant medical problems.

People are constantly telling me how well I am handling this situation. Actually, the reason that I am doing so well is because of all the people that are thinking of me and praying and sending good and Happy vibes !

It is important, if you know someone that is having a medical crisis that you stay in touch with them and let them know that you care. The person may not be too responsive or they might not seem like they are listening...but, trust me, they hear you loud and clear and it means a lot to know that you are not alone.

I try to do Clowning when I am able. Informally. I just like to spread some smiles. It also helps to cheer me and to strengthen my self-worth. When we give of ourselves, it takes our minds off of our own problems.

One thing that I know is important, also, if you are not feeling well --- step outside and get some fresh air...everyday. Even if it is only for a few minutes. Even if the weather is not ideal. Experience Life! And, if you cannot go and visit someone then pick up the phone or grab a pen and communicate with another person. I try to visit with people everyday. I might engage in the most inane conversation, but it is important to retain your social skills.

Be thankful for all things. Our microwave just died on us and instead of getting mad that we can't make our precious Microwave popcorn or reheat a cup of coffee or Nuke dinner...we are exploring the Lost Art of Cooking ! I think I'll boil some water on the stove just to see what it's like ! And, we use the toaster oven !  Ah, life is Grand !

Of couse, we will probably make a trek to Target and look at microwaves today...oh, well.

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !