The Time I Snuck a Cigarette

I had my 3rd Taxotere on Tuesday, 19march2013...everything went fine and my blood levels are still pretty normal. I have a PET can scheduled for the 2nd of April to see if this new treatment is effective. The only side effects so far are some feet swelling(fluid retention) and painful neuropathy in my toes and extreme weakness that comes and goes. But, enough of that...I have decided to take a break from relating my problems or victories for this blog installment. Instead, I think I will lighten it up a little with a story from about 30 years ago. The only time I have snuck a cigarette:

I was working out of a Day Labor office and they had sent a group of us workers to a warehouse in the suburbs that had been leased to a major Department store. They were getting their Spring fashions into the warehouse and we were assigned to unpack them from the cartons and hang them on racks, sorting them by size. I was working in the area of Women's dresses and suits. It was easy work and a nice environment. Unlike most of the jobs that the agency sent us to work at.

Well, 2 hours or so into the work, I found it necessary to go to the bathroom. For some odd reason, the restrooms were in the middle of the warehouse, free-standing like one would see at a park. Not out,on the edge of the building, but in the middle of the floor. I ducked into the Men's room and was immediately met with a wall of cigarette smoke. "It's OK!" someone said, rather loudly. For a minute I thought they must be smoking pot. No, it was only cigarettes. There were, of course, signs forbidding smoking. I was a smoker so I thought, "This is cool, I can have a smoke while I am in here."

I had never snuck a cigarette before, not even in High School (I don't think I even smoked back then). This was a forbidden desire and I didn't warm to it right off. In fact, I thought it was rather juvenile. I was in my mid-30's, as were most of these characters and it seemed decidedly stupid and silly. Well, I took a leak and then noticed someone exiting a stall. The temptation got to me and I ducked into it thinking that if the fools by the sinks got busted that I would be safe because I would be locked in a stall with a toilet bowl to toss my cig into.

The minute I closed the door the stench hit me. The toilet was stopped up. Oh well, the cigarette would mask the smell and the methane would mask my smoke, I reasoned. I lit up and decided to sit down to have a relaxing time. I noticed toilet seat covers and decided this would be good since the seat was most likely contaminated with who knows what. I spread it over the seat and decided to sit right down. I had smoked maybe half of my cigarette when I heard someone say, "I think it's a boss!"
I took a long, quick drag and tried to toss the cig in the toilet while I was still sitting. Not a good idea...that toilet seat cover was highly flammable and the escaping methane from the stopped-up toilet probably contributed to the conflagration! My jeans began to burn and I quickly beat the fire out while I was still sitting. I jumped up and grabbed the toilet seat cover and threw it in the toilet and flushed it---knowing that I would have to run because it was going to flow over.

Luckily, there was no boss that had come in, but the other guys gave me a weird look when they saw my smoking jeans. I just said, "Always stand up before you throw your cigarette in the toilet...". They chuckled, I splashed some water on my jeans and washed my hands and went back to work, wondering why I hadn't just waited another half an hour for break time and gone outside for a smoke. It sure wasn't fun sneaking a smoke and I don't see the forbidden adrenaline rush fascination for doing something that sophomoric. So, I have never been tempted to do it again.

But, a year later, while I was in the large Public Library downtown I decided to roll a Bugler cigarette in the middle of the lobby and a security guard rushed up to me and demanded that I put it out. Some quick thinking on my part got me out of that one....I'll tell you about it and another similar incident in my next blog--if you'll let me!

Hey, Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!

The Right Word

Last year, when I was trying to discover a way to describe my peripheral neuropathy, I struggled for 9 months or more with terms such as "tingling", "numbness", "stabbing" and "burning". While I was outside one evening looking at the constellations in the sky, I noticed that my feet were getting cold--as well as my hands. It hit me then. The feeling you get when your feet begin to freeze because you have been standing in the snow too long. That is the exact condition that I felt in my feet with the neuropathy!! Your feet hurt and burn and tingle...yet, they are also numb!

So it is when trying to figure out what I could use to describe the extreme lack of energy that I have experienced with this new round of Chemo. "Tired" doesn't do justice. I felt an over-whelming tiredness during my First round of Chemo drugs: Carbo/Taxol. My joints hurt and I felt as if I had an unending case of the Flu. A really, really bad case of the Flu ! I was tired all of the time but it wasn't debilitating, wasn't keeping me from going for long walks or running errands or visiting friends. I was simply worn-out most of the time.

The Second Chemotherapy, Alimta, had a decidedly different story. I was tired all of the time. When I did too much physical activity, I reached the edge of collapse. I learned to pace myself. I began each day with case of fatigue. I would eat a boiled egg and drink a glass of grapefruit juice, take my folic acid and a B12 capsule (the nurse would also give me a whopping shot of B12 before each treatment) and a small little pill of Folic Acid. I would drink a cup of coffee and go out to greet the day. I am certain that the boiled egg gave me 4-5 hours of stamina. I learned fairly quickly through experience and, also, searching the Internet that increasing activity would run me over--run me down like a bad car battery. I asked my oncologist and he said that the Alimta worked by shutting down my metabolism whenever my cells began requesting nutrients. So, I was able to dodge collapse and deal with the energy highs and lows.

Along comes this Third Chemo...I had read where the Taxotere would cause Fatigue. Well, isn't that what the Alimta did? I figured that I could deal with that--but, No! This was different. I had already been able to start back to work (driving a shuttle/car a couple of days per week) and I asked my Dr. if I would be able to continue doing it. "Probably not," he said. "You will be very tired."
"I was tired with the Alimta," I begged.
"This is different. Your blood counts will change. They will have to be monitored closely," he explained. "You will be very tired."
A bit flippantly I shot back, "Well, I don't see how it could be worse than the Alimta!"

Wrong! This so, so much worse. In fact, I have spent whole days in bed. Sometimes I get up and have a boiled egg, grapefruit juice---the whole regimen, then shuffle to my laptop to check my email only to find that I can barely log in and open the first message. If I manage to open an email I am never able to respond to it. I turn off the computer (not even logging-out most times) and wade through the tiredness back to the living room where I plop down in my chair and turn on the TV. I change the channel 3 times with no luck finding any substance worth viewing, turn off the TV and go back to bed. Ad infinitum.

"Energy" is a term I was using often. Energy--where is it? Energy--how can I get some? Energy--I need it!! I didn't even have the energy to search for ways to increase mine. I couldn't go to the computer for help. I couldn't describe the dilemma either. I could only state that I was out of energy, but I knew that I wasn't! I had energy, motivation, goals, direction. What was I experiencing? It wasn't Tiredness (as in First Chemo). It wasn't Fatigue (as in Second Chemo). What the heck was it.

I consulted the Oracle: MyOncologist. He nodded his head...knowingly...with a slight smile...an understanding. "I see you are experiencing a lot of Weakness. It is the Chemotherapy. Most people cannot tolerate it for very long."

Eureka !  Weakness ! I was never so happy in my life so as to be thought of as a Weak Person! Hallelujah!  I am Weak. I am Weak! Hear me roar (well, not roar but I can mouth the word with a determined look of glee and fire). Weakness is exactly the word that described the condition my condition was in. I didn't feel tired or on the verge of collapse. I just couldn't do what I wanted to do, which was Anything!  So, problem solved yet no solution. My blood levels were still in the normal range but they were teetering to their upper and lower limits and there was nothing to do about it.

I had a Birthday Party to attend last Saturday and I fixed myself some liver and onions with yams on Friday. Liver has B12 and iron and yams usually enhance the redness of my hair--though I have lost my hair again this time around.

I made it to the party and twisted balloons for a time until I felt my legs turning to wood and my feet feeling like fire. I walked around the birthday-cake table, all the while the children were encircling me and following me while tugging at my coat and hollering, "Make me a Dog", "Giraffe", "Sword", "Flower"! I would make a balloon, joke with the child, ask their names, walk around the table, honk my clown horn and then make more balloons. I had a lot of fun.

When I got home, I re-heated some liver sans yams in the microwave and sat down for some TV. After awhile, I got up to put my plate in the sink and found that I could hardly walk. My wife asked if I was going to take off my clown make-up. "After awhile," I said, though I knowingly was thinking that I might leave it on all week because I was afraid I would be to weak to ever clown again and I wanted to have my make-up still on should a situation come up where I could run out and do some more clowning. I alternated watching TV and struggling out of my chair to grab some Jelly Beans for several hours before I finally gave in and removed the clown face.

My left leg was swollen and my feet were burning and I stayed up all nite wondering if I would be able to get back out of bed should I decided to go there. Well, I did and I did and last nite I took a short walk on the sidewalk out front. I walked about 20 yards and then gave up. But, when I got back inside, my lungs felt full and clear and the stiffness in my legs was leaving and my feet felt looser, more relaxed. I am making myself a promise to take increasingly walks every day. I told my wife she would have to walk with me so that I would be assured of making it back home. I am hoping that this will be a solution to easing myself through this round of Chemo. I know that I will be weaker and weaker. The walking should keep my muscles fluid and my lungs busy and clear, though. I am very optimistic that I can wade through this weakness until the Oncologist stops the treatment.

Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!