So it is when trying to figure out what I could use to describe the extreme lack of energy that I have experienced with this new round of Chemo. "Tired" doesn't do justice. I felt an over-whelming tiredness during my First round of Chemo drugs: Carbo/Taxol. My joints hurt and I felt as if I had an unending case of the Flu. A really, really bad case of the Flu ! I was tired all of the time but it wasn't debilitating, wasn't keeping me from going for long walks or running errands or visiting friends. I was simply worn-out most of the time.
The Second Chemotherapy, Alimta, had a decidedly different story. I was tired all of the time. When I did too much physical activity, I reached the edge of collapse. I learned to pace myself. I began each day with case of fatigue. I would eat a boiled egg and drink a glass of grapefruit juice, take my folic acid and a B12 capsule (the nurse would also give me a whopping shot of B12 before each treatment) and a small little pill of Folic Acid. I would drink a cup of coffee and go out to greet the day. I am certain that the boiled egg gave me 4-5 hours of stamina. I learned fairly quickly through experience and, also, searching the Internet that increasing activity would run me over--run me down like a bad car battery. I asked my oncologist and he said that the Alimta worked by shutting down my metabolism whenever my cells began requesting nutrients. So, I was able to dodge collapse and deal with the energy highs and lows.
Along comes this Third Chemo...I had read where the Taxotere would cause Fatigue. Well, isn't that what the Alimta did? I figured that I could deal with that--but, No! This was different. I had already been able to start back to work (driving a shuttle/car a couple of days per week) and I asked my Dr. if I would be able to continue doing it. "Probably not," he said. "You will be very tired."
"I was tired with the Alimta," I begged.
"This is different. Your blood counts will change. They will have to be monitored closely," he explained. "You will be very tired."
A bit flippantly I shot back, "Well, I don't see how it could be worse than the Alimta!"
Wrong! This so, so much worse. In fact, I have spent whole days in bed. Sometimes I get up and have a boiled egg, grapefruit juice---the whole regimen, then shuffle to my laptop to check my email only to find that I can barely log in and open the first message. If I manage to open an email I am never able to respond to it. I turn off the computer (not even logging-out most times) and wade through the tiredness back to the living room where I plop down in my chair and turn on the TV. I change the channel 3 times with no luck finding any substance worth viewing, turn off the TV and go back to bed. Ad infinitum.
"Energy" is a term I was using often. Energy--where is it? Energy--how can I get some? Energy--I need it!! I didn't even have the energy to search for ways to increase mine. I couldn't go to the computer for help. I couldn't describe the dilemma either. I could only state that I was out of energy, but I knew that I wasn't! I had energy, motivation, goals, direction. What was I experiencing? It wasn't Tiredness (as in First Chemo). It wasn't Fatigue (as in Second Chemo). What the heck was it.
I consulted the Oracle: MyOncologist. He nodded his head...knowingly...with a slight smile...an understanding. "I see you are experiencing a lot of Weakness. It is the Chemotherapy. Most people cannot tolerate it for very long."
Eureka ! Weakness ! I was never so happy in my life so as to be thought of as a Weak Person! Hallelujah! I am Weak. I am Weak! Hear me roar (well, not roar but I can mouth the word with a determined look of glee and fire). Weakness is exactly the word that described the condition my condition was in. I didn't feel tired or on the verge of collapse. I just couldn't do what I wanted to do, which was Anything! So, problem solved yet no solution. My blood levels were still in the normal range but they were teetering to their upper and lower limits and there was nothing to do about it.
I had a Birthday Party to attend last Saturday and I fixed myself some liver and onions with yams on Friday. Liver has B12 and iron and yams usually enhance the redness of my hair--though I have lost my hair again this time around.
When I got home, I re-heated some liver sans yams in the microwave and sat down for some TV. After awhile, I got up to put my plate in the sink and found that I could hardly walk. My wife asked if I was going to take off my clown make-up. "After awhile," I said, though I knowingly was thinking that I might leave it on all week because I was afraid I would be to weak to ever clown again and I wanted to have my make-up still on should a situation come up where I could run out and do some more clowning. I alternated watching TV and struggling out of my chair to grab some Jelly Beans for several hours before I finally gave in and removed the clown face.
My left leg was swollen and my feet were burning and I stayed up all nite wondering if I would be able to get back out of bed should I decided to go there. Well, I did and I did and last nite I took a short walk on the sidewalk out front. I walked about 20 yards and then gave up. But, when I got back inside, my lungs felt full and clear and the stiffness in my legs was leaving and my feet felt looser, more relaxed. I am making myself a promise to take increasingly walks every day. I told my wife she would have to walk with me so that I would be assured of making it back home. I am hoping that this will be a solution to easing myself through this round of Chemo. I know that I will be weaker and weaker. The walking should keep my muscles fluid and my lungs busy and clear, though. I am very optimistic that I can wade through this weakness until the Oncologist stops the treatment.
Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!
