Tired of Fatigue

                                         Caricature by Russ Hogle aka Cartoona Matata


Now that I am finished with my Chemo it is possible that some of the side-effects will begin to subside. People have noticed recently that I am walking different--almost limping. That is because of the peripheral neuropathy. My feet hurt mainly on the soles. Wearing socks makes it feel like I am walking on glass. I have several pairs of shoes and vary them in an attempt to find the right ones for walking. It is different every day. Some shoes work sometimes and, at other times, they don't. Since it has been warming-up outside, I tried my sandals. They felt great! I may start wearing them although my toes look like my fingers in that they look like they have been smashed by a hammer. The nails are brown and bruised and they FEEL like they have been smashed. In fact, the only reason I take my painkiller is to be able to tolerate and to be able to walk. I usually wait until the pain becomes unbearable. Sometimes the interval between medication is 2-3 hours and sometimes I can go up to 7 hours.

I haven't lost any weight but my muscle mass is gone. Originally I approached all of this as an athlete would prepare for a game or event. I would go for long walks and I would exercise a lot by doing sit-ups and push ups and isometric exercises. But, since the Chemo would attack fast-growing cells or shut down my metabolism if I did too much, I had to severely limit my activity. I am currently trying basic yoga. I was at the Radiation Oncologist for a CT to determine where the radiation would be targeted and I had to hold my arms over my head. I noticed that my muscles were really tight. So, I believe that by doing some Yoga will help me to get my body more limber.

As to the Fatigue...well, that is another problem. The effects of the Radiation treatments will be some fatigue !  And, I have been extremely Fatigued, Tired, Worn-out, etc. for 16 months now ! I have had B-12 shots, I take folic acid and extra B-complex supplements, I eat liver and onions and spinach and kippers and boiled eggs and sardines. I take short rests/naps and try to take it easy. But, I usually end-up trying to do too much or forgetting to take a break. I try to fight through the Fatigue. Not a good strategy. The last few nights, when I am going to bed, I have been so worn-out that it seems that if I go to sleep that I will stop breathing. I lie down and listen to my mp3 player (podcasts and OTR). As soon as I began to relax my lungs and heart seem to interpret this as the time to shut off. I have to get back up and move around. I then go play with Tinkerbelle the Cat and drink some juice or SoBe and sit for a while. I am so conscious of this over-whelming fatigue that it has become an obsession with no solution.

I had a burst of energy yesterday afternoon for the first time in a long time. So, maybe the fatigue is beginning to go away...but, the Radiation may bring it back. I'll just have to see. It will be a bummer but I have come this far and I won't let it get me. I just need to remind myself to take breaks and lie down (which does help) and then try some yoga.

I will be having 30 treatments of radiation over 6 weeks. Starting Monday the 3rd of June.

Saturday there is a Parade in Troy and if I can get a ride I would like to participate...even if it is on the sidelines.

Last week I went to the Circus and had a swell time and am preparing a post to talk about it...

I may be stumbling...but, Life is Good, Life is an Adventure !!!!

Final Taxotere

When I last saw my Oncologist he said that I had enough Chemo and that I did really well. He wanted me to start on Radiation. I told him that my Medicare would kick-in by June and could we wait for it. He replied that I should then have at least one more Chemo to hold me over. Since the last Chemo was so brutal, I asked if I could have one more week of near-normalcy and he agreed. So, I had my last Chemo yesterday, 10 May 2013.

Since the Taxotere seems to build-up in my system, I know that the next 2 or 3 weeks will be tough. Last time I had a hard time getting the motivation to write in my blog. That is why I am trying to get through this now.
I have found that wearing my Yoga Toes helps greatly with my peripheral neuropathy in my feet. But, just like diet and exercise I sometimes forget or slack-off until I find that I need to wear them again. I try to wear them every other day. And, I drink a lot of SoBe Lifewater and grapefruit juice. I used to buy other fruit juices but they are putting artificial sweeteners in everything these days! I enjoy a soda pop now and again but they mainly taste too sweet and not enough carbonation. However, I do like Jarrito's Mandarin soda! I also have a bowl of Frozen Yogurt every evening because it seems to keep me from getting acid reflux. I know that if I don't eat a bowl for two or three nights that I get an upset stomach or acid reflux.
The past two weeks, as I have been out and about, I am always astonished to hear people tell me how positive I have been and how well I am doing. Especially when I feel so tired and my hands and feet hurt so much. But, I accept their observation. And, most of them follow it up with how the power of Prayer works so well. I mention that because I have prayed to the Lord to let my Clowning be a ministry. A ministry of Love and Smiles and a testament to the Lord's plan for all of us. But, I have told the Lord that I am not comfortable in initiating a witnessing. He has heard my prayers. When I am visiting businesses and nursing homes and shut-ins and elderly, it is they that begin talking about the Lord. He opens the door for me to give my testimony and listen to theirs. The Lord is great and he answers prayers.
From the very beginning I was never scared. At first I experienced a sadness that it might be my last Summer or my last Christmas. But, I put it out of my mind and told the Lord that I would accept his plan for me and go wherever he needed me--whether it was Heaven or here on Earth.
I prayed for those that were going through this Cancer thing and for the people that had loved ones that were going through it. I prayed for Strength and Comfort and Peace and Healing for them. I prayed that they would trust in the Lord. And, I prayed for Blessings for everyone that was experiencing heartaches and difficulties and doubts. I prayed for our Leaders in the World that they would make the right decisions to end suffering and Wars. That they would lead with compassion and forgiveness and understanding.
I wear a button that says, "Almost Famous". This is an admonition that I am just a servant. When I am Clowning, I bring smiles and humility. I am the Stumble-bum, the ne'er-do-well, the Clown who tries to get it right. I stay on "Almost Famous" or "Nearly Famous" or "Soon to be Famous". I stand on the edge, knowing that to keep something beyond reach will keep me moving in the right direction.
There are so many things that I want and need to do. I can't wait for my energy level to come back up so that I can accomplish more. My mantra everyday, though, is to at least accomplish one or two things because it keeps me feeling that I am still able to do some things. My priorities, then, are if I can't do everything, at least I should do a few things!

I am so thankful that I have my friends and family and my wife and Clown buddies and church family and Facebook friends to share with. And, I pray that I can be there when they reach out to me.
I am going to try to get a lot of clowning and errands done this weekend. And, the next two weeks I will see how this Chemo treats me. I always think that I will be able to work around the side-effects or get use to them...never seems to happen. But, I will come out the other side feeling stronger and I believe that this summer will hold a plethora of opportunities for clowning and activity!
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!