Over my head

My pain medication says 1 every 6 hours. I try to go 8 hours or more between doses. But sometimes the pain becomes strong and I take one in five hours. When I go to bed, it is usually after a scheduled dose and then I wake up after 3 hours with pain and I take another one that helps me get 8 hours of sleep. I get worried if the pain moves to a different place because I then think that the cancer is spreading. It probably isn't but it worries me nonetheless. I would say that if I am scheduled for 3 or 4 doses a day that some days I only take two...at most I take 4 in a day...so, that is not bad...and, it is not strong stuff anyway--which is good...just right.
I have remained upbeat for the most part. At first, I was kind of flippant. I have toned down my smart-aleckness, though. It hit me the other day that the survival rate/period is 8 months. From when? I haven't even started any treatments yet. I will be seeing a surgeon in a couple of days for a consultation to schedule an appt for removing some of the neck mass for a study to see what kind of chemotherapy might work. But, it is on my mind that this will be my last summer on this Earth. I need to start packing up my belongings in order that they are sorted as to what can be given away or sold or thrown out or left to someone that wants my computer books, clown stuff, clothes, etc. I wonder how it will end. Will I be in control of my mind? Will I have a stroke or a heart attack. Will the cancer simply eat me up?
I don't know how someone in this situation can do a Bucket List. Everything at this point seems kind of futile. It is Winter and I don't really feel like going out in the cold. Is this my last experience of snow? I hope that I make it to Spring and warmer weather. I would enjoy walking in the rain. Or sitting by the window, watching a Thunderstorm. I would like to go to some woods and sit there all day long and watch the birds and animals. I don't feel melancholy. It will be ghoulish to take walks and note sights and sounds that I will be seeing for the last time. I just want to be relaxed and take walks and go a few places and be normal and not think about the coming end. I worry about my wife. We talked a while this evening and she said that she would probably get rid of a lot of our possessions (accoutrements) because she would no longer enjoy them without me. I think that maybe we should just look for a smaller house or apartment and move just the things that she needs and wants. To get her started on her new life.
Knowing that your life will probably end this very year is very sobering. It is in the back of my mind and I have accepted it. And, I only want normalcy. What? I don't feel like going out with a Bang...a Flourish?! It is not something that you can plan or anticipate. It just is. I  have so many things that I have held onto: books, travel brochures, knick knacks, toys, crafts...that I thought that I would get into when I got to a point in my retirement where I was bored or motivated...but, that was a different scenario. I don't feel the desire to enjoy them at the present. And, I don't know who I would give them to because I don't know anyone with the same varied interests as me. Mars, Astronomy, collectibles, clown stuff..paints, calligraphy supplies, little projects that I was leaving for my old age---second childhood...
I still have faith in prayer, faith in the Lord...I trust my doctors. I am not resigned. I have not given up. It is just that I have come to the realization that this is an extremely serious situation that I am in and should I make it through the year, I will not be breathing a sigh of relief. I will be fainting from the enormity of the struggle and the energy it will take to stay focused on living. What wisdom I thought that I might be able to share in my old age has been reduced to being Emphatically Flummoxed at having little to impart about the Mysteries of Life.
I'll spend my time in these next few months trying to tame this Cancer Beast and I will devote my energies into being upbeat and caring and thoughtful in trying to prepare my loved ones for my departure. It would be nice if I could just say "Forget about me." But, as human beings, we care about each other and it is not possible to treat another's passing lightly--whether we liked the person or not. So, I worry about others and I pray for their strength and patience and comfort.
And now, the house is quiet, I have made an entry in this blog, and I think that I will lie down for awhile and listen to some Fibber McGee and Molly episodes, some Sherlock Holmes and some Jack Benny. Tomorrow I should be able to download some new episodes of Writers and Company and the Next Chapter from the CBC network...