24 November 2013
It has come to this...I am barely able to dress myself anymore. The pain along my shoulders and upper body is relentless. The doctor gave me muscle relaxants because it felt as if my muscles around my shoulder blades wouldn't release. But, I looked in the mirror and felt with my hand that there is nothing there but bone. I suppose there are tendons and muscles holding the bones together. I don't know. All I know is that I cannot sit for long because my body pulls me forward in a fold at the bottom of my rib cage. I try to straighten-up to no avail. I can stand or lie down.
I am trying to eat a lot. I haven't weighed myself lately because I don't want to know anymore. My painkillers have no effect on the pain. The pain is just a nuisance, though. As long as I remain still the pain is not too bad. It is only when I move.
I don't have trouble breathing and I don't have a cough. I don't have trouble swallowing. My appetite is fine but I get full real easily. I try to eat every 2 hours and drink a protein drink (Boost or a generic). The only problem is the pain and, when I walk a short distance, my heart complains by bouncing around in my chest. But, my heart is strong and I will continue to take short walks.
I see my Onc again in a couple of weeks and then we will make some decisions. I doubt that I am strong enough for more Chemo. Maybe the current medicine I am taking will begin to work or maybe the Cancer is just too aggressive. Anyway, I won't give up and I trust in the Lord and his plan.
I have one more clown gig that I am looking forward to doing. It will involve very little effort if I prepare for it well !
Re-reading this post, it seems depressing...it is not. I am just relating how I am doing. It seems that I am confined to the indoors more and more what with my strength and the cold of Winter. I will make it through the Winter, I know. I will call upon my inner strength and the Favor of the Lord. I will pray in earnest for the well-being of others. I will Praise the Lord and ask Him to bless my family and friends. I will ask for the strength to endure and Trust in His Love.
Life is good....Life is an Adventure !!!
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Reflections
I have often wondered how the Lung Cancer will end my Life...I don't have a bad cough and I don't have trouble breathing. Most of my problems seem to emerge from the Chemo and Radiation treatments. Fatigue and pain.
The past few weeks I have been really, really tired and I have a lot of muscular pain. I have to eat constantly to maintain my weight. I take one or two naps each day and wake-up with a lot of soreness. It is as if I am sleeping on a concrete cot with another slab of concrete covering me. Soreness.
I have asked a few Doctors and nurses how a person dies with this disease and they just don't know. The standard reply is that "everybody is different"; however, the actual passing is not understood. I believe the body just gives out. From all of the treatment? Or, is it the cancer that is growing and spreading and the body just can't fight anymore and so gives out?
I do know that when I lie down at night (usually at 4 am), I can expect to wake up once or twice during the night because I am in pain or because I have had some acid reflux and find it hard to breathe because my esophagus is burning and I am coughing. I drink some water and then some tea and walk around for a bit. It wears me out. Then I go back to bed and when I awake again I am still tired and in pain. The pain medication helps a little bit, but I don't take it that much unless my feet are really hurting and I want to go for a walk. Of course, I take it in the evening and also when I go to bed.
I think that some night I will just lie down and not wake up. I used to think it would be a coughing fit or a sleep apnea...I don't think that anymore because those things always woke me up and I dealt with them. No, I think that some night I will fall asleep and my body will just say, "I can't go anymore."
I'm worried. I trust in the Lord. I have never prayed for a Healing. I have prayed for strength and patience and understanding. I have prayed for others. I have prayed that I will be well enough to return to work. I have prayed that I will have the strength to go Clowning!
I enjoy Life and the Lord always gives me the opportunity to Smile and the strength to endure. I am not afraid of death, though I don't look forward to it! But, I know that it is a fact of Life and if it wasn't the Cancer, it would be something else. I just don't think about it that much. Except for the last few days. Because I am starting to lose interest in things, in moments. I try to find things to be interested in...I look for new music, shows, people...nothing. I go out and go to the park and try to reflect on Nature...nothing. When this first started I went to the park a lot. I went visiting a lot. It was always an adventure. It was always a Joy. But, now, it seems to be a task. I need to eat and rest and gain some weight. I don't want to rest. But, then again, it is a chore to move.
I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and the tide will have turned. That I will have begun to gain weight and get my energy and my interest back. I keep waiting. Patiently.
I think I will try to take the next week off and just rest and go for an short walk each evening. I have so much to do....but, I just can't do it...
Well, I just had to put down these thoughts because I know that this Cancer journey is full of unknowns and people that blog about it are useful to those who have a desire to understand...to try to see how to cope...to try to get a handle on what might be coming next.
I know that when I first started Chemo in January of 2012, that I thought it was the biggest battle of my life and the hardest. I remember how miserable I felt and yet I was able to stick on my Red Clown Nose and go out and Laugh with the world and share smiles. I want to do that again...
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure...!
The past few weeks I have been really, really tired and I have a lot of muscular pain. I have to eat constantly to maintain my weight. I take one or two naps each day and wake-up with a lot of soreness. It is as if I am sleeping on a concrete cot with another slab of concrete covering me. Soreness.
I have asked a few Doctors and nurses how a person dies with this disease and they just don't know. The standard reply is that "everybody is different"; however, the actual passing is not understood. I believe the body just gives out. From all of the treatment? Or, is it the cancer that is growing and spreading and the body just can't fight anymore and so gives out?
I do know that when I lie down at night (usually at 4 am), I can expect to wake up once or twice during the night because I am in pain or because I have had some acid reflux and find it hard to breathe because my esophagus is burning and I am coughing. I drink some water and then some tea and walk around for a bit. It wears me out. Then I go back to bed and when I awake again I am still tired and in pain. The pain medication helps a little bit, but I don't take it that much unless my feet are really hurting and I want to go for a walk. Of course, I take it in the evening and also when I go to bed.
I think that some night I will just lie down and not wake up. I used to think it would be a coughing fit or a sleep apnea...I don't think that anymore because those things always woke me up and I dealt with them. No, I think that some night I will fall asleep and my body will just say, "I can't go anymore."
I'm worried. I trust in the Lord. I have never prayed for a Healing. I have prayed for strength and patience and understanding. I have prayed for others. I have prayed that I will be well enough to return to work. I have prayed that I will have the strength to go Clowning!
I enjoy Life and the Lord always gives me the opportunity to Smile and the strength to endure. I am not afraid of death, though I don't look forward to it! But, I know that it is a fact of Life and if it wasn't the Cancer, it would be something else. I just don't think about it that much. Except for the last few days. Because I am starting to lose interest in things, in moments. I try to find things to be interested in...I look for new music, shows, people...nothing. I go out and go to the park and try to reflect on Nature...nothing. When this first started I went to the park a lot. I went visiting a lot. It was always an adventure. It was always a Joy. But, now, it seems to be a task. I need to eat and rest and gain some weight. I don't want to rest. But, then again, it is a chore to move.
I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and the tide will have turned. That I will have begun to gain weight and get my energy and my interest back. I keep waiting. Patiently.
I think I will try to take the next week off and just rest and go for an short walk each evening. I have so much to do....but, I just can't do it...
Well, I just had to put down these thoughts because I know that this Cancer journey is full of unknowns and people that blog about it are useful to those who have a desire to understand...to try to see how to cope...to try to get a handle on what might be coming next.
I know that when I first started Chemo in January of 2012, that I thought it was the biggest battle of my life and the hardest. I remember how miserable I felt and yet I was able to stick on my Red Clown Nose and go out and Laugh with the world and share smiles. I want to do that again...
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure...!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Fighting Back to Normalcy
I saw my Oncologist on the 11th of April to see if I was able to handle another Chemo and, to also get the results of my most recent PET scan. Good News !!! The tumors in my neck and left lung show no uptake...which means that they are not active. And, they are shrinking. There are still some nodes in both lungs that are insignificant and the doc said they didn't appear to be cancerous. He felt that I should continue with 2 or 3 more treatments and he was also going to talk to a radiologist to see if I could benefit from some radiation to finish off the tumor sites.
Originally, when I was first diagnosed--December 2011, after 3 biopsies (2 needle and 1 w/scalpel) there was not enough tissue samples to give a specific call on the type of cancer with which I was being taunted. He had not wanted to try radiation at that time because if it was a certain breed of cell the radiation would have caused it to explode and spread. Now he has enough information that he can be safe with some radiation.
I had the Chemo on the 15th and everything went well. I usually am tired for 4 or 5 days afterward and then start returning to normal. I wonder if this Chemo builds up in my system though. I guess it must because I was Really Tired and Weak. I usually go out visiting during the day and try to clown around some. This time, however, I found that after being out and about for half an hour--I need to get back home and lie down. Also, there was a stomach virus that roared through the local nursing home that I like to visit and I stayed away from there. Thanks to a resident who texted me with the warning to stay away ! I have also been lax in that I have been clowning in crowds and with a compromised immune system I guess I have just been lucky. This round I had decided to be a little smarter and just visit people one at a time and one day at a time.
But, the Chemo really got to me. Aside from being very weak, on about the 3rd day I awoke in severe pain in my legs and shoulders and back and neck. This kept up for several days and really wore me out. I usually take my pain meds as needed--or every 6-7 hours. However, the only relief I got was taking them every two hours in the evening times. And, every 3-4 hours during the day. I found myself going to bed more often than usual because I was so weak and in so much pain. Although I still can't get comfortable and wake every night out of a ridiculous nightmare (not scary, just grippingly and startlingly bizarre!) It just usually signals that I am in pain and need to get up.
My hands look and feel like they have been slammed in a car door. The nails have turned brown and the skin is peeling from the knuckles. And, when I try to twist some balloons I get cuts. The literature on the Taxotere says to refrain from shaving because a razor cut could become infected. However, I only get a few stray whiskers every few days, so I use an electric razor maybe once a week.
My hair fell out after the first Chemo and it has grown back to a "peach" fuzz...but no further ! My lower legs and feet swell ever so often but as long as I elevate them and use Arnica gel and wear ankle socks, the swelling doesn't last long. Walking in socks is painful---the threads feel like wire or glass, so when I am walking around I go barefoot (inside the house). I have also noticed that I can't walk very far and it is really difficult to walk in the first place. I have noticed that my toes are curling under and maybe that is the problem with my ambulation.
My appetite is still good and my weight has remained at 160 lbs. since I was first diagnosed in Dec 2011 ! But, my taste buds change up now and again. I still rely on SoBe lifewater and Grapefruit juice (not from concentrate) and eat an egg every morning. I eat liver and onions once or twice a week for the iron and B12. I eat a lot of spinach and beets. I don't seem to like lettuce anymore. Other vegetables don't taste good to me..except canned, diced tomatoes with green peppers that I put on my spinach and eggs (when I microwave the egg---I usually eat boiled eggs). I still enjoy frozen fish fillets. And, salmon--as long as I know where the salmon came from. I'm losing my taste for snicker bars and spearmint lifesavers. I still like cinnamon rolls and tangerines. I like Kona coffee with a teaspoon of Ovaltine. I eat bratwurst now and again if I can find the right mustard (always a challenge!).
When I approached my Doctor about my various complaints, he assured me that they were the result of the Chemo. That is comforting in a way. It means that after the Chemo that they should go away. A lot of the complaints that I have would normally be classified as having to do with aging...but not mine, ha. So, I guess I am missing out on the growing old creaks and aches.
I still try to accomplish some small tasks every day. I think that it is vitally important to stay active and try to do constructive tasks. If one just gets up and eats and decides it is too painful or hard to do anything and then goes back to bed--well, your body will just get weaker and your self-worth will slide and you become a great candidate for depression. I would rather attempt something and find that I am unable to finish it than to not try at all.
Speaking of which...I am working on a new hat:
All in all I am winning this battle---with the help of excellent Medical staff and a wise and caring oncologist. My friends and family along with their caring and prayers have helped immensely. My Church is always there for me--even when I can't attend as regularly as I would like.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am making sure to put graffiti on the walls of the tunnel and continue to dance along the tracks of said tunnel !!!
Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Originally, when I was first diagnosed--December 2011, after 3 biopsies (2 needle and 1 w/scalpel) there was not enough tissue samples to give a specific call on the type of cancer with which I was being taunted. He had not wanted to try radiation at that time because if it was a certain breed of cell the radiation would have caused it to explode and spread. Now he has enough information that he can be safe with some radiation.
I had the Chemo on the 15th and everything went well. I usually am tired for 4 or 5 days afterward and then start returning to normal. I wonder if this Chemo builds up in my system though. I guess it must because I was Really Tired and Weak. I usually go out visiting during the day and try to clown around some. This time, however, I found that after being out and about for half an hour--I need to get back home and lie down. Also, there was a stomach virus that roared through the local nursing home that I like to visit and I stayed away from there. Thanks to a resident who texted me with the warning to stay away ! I have also been lax in that I have been clowning in crowds and with a compromised immune system I guess I have just been lucky. This round I had decided to be a little smarter and just visit people one at a time and one day at a time.
But, the Chemo really got to me. Aside from being very weak, on about the 3rd day I awoke in severe pain in my legs and shoulders and back and neck. This kept up for several days and really wore me out. I usually take my pain meds as needed--or every 6-7 hours. However, the only relief I got was taking them every two hours in the evening times. And, every 3-4 hours during the day. I found myself going to bed more often than usual because I was so weak and in so much pain. Although I still can't get comfortable and wake every night out of a ridiculous nightmare (not scary, just grippingly and startlingly bizarre!) It just usually signals that I am in pain and need to get up.
My hands look and feel like they have been slammed in a car door. The nails have turned brown and the skin is peeling from the knuckles. And, when I try to twist some balloons I get cuts. The literature on the Taxotere says to refrain from shaving because a razor cut could become infected. However, I only get a few stray whiskers every few days, so I use an electric razor maybe once a week.
My hair fell out after the first Chemo and it has grown back to a "peach" fuzz...but no further ! My lower legs and feet swell ever so often but as long as I elevate them and use Arnica gel and wear ankle socks, the swelling doesn't last long. Walking in socks is painful---the threads feel like wire or glass, so when I am walking around I go barefoot (inside the house). I have also noticed that I can't walk very far and it is really difficult to walk in the first place. I have noticed that my toes are curling under and maybe that is the problem with my ambulation.
My appetite is still good and my weight has remained at 160 lbs. since I was first diagnosed in Dec 2011 ! But, my taste buds change up now and again. I still rely on SoBe lifewater and Grapefruit juice (not from concentrate) and eat an egg every morning. I eat liver and onions once or twice a week for the iron and B12. I eat a lot of spinach and beets. I don't seem to like lettuce anymore. Other vegetables don't taste good to me..except canned, diced tomatoes with green peppers that I put on my spinach and eggs (when I microwave the egg---I usually eat boiled eggs). I still enjoy frozen fish fillets. And, salmon--as long as I know where the salmon came from. I'm losing my taste for snicker bars and spearmint lifesavers. I still like cinnamon rolls and tangerines. I like Kona coffee with a teaspoon of Ovaltine. I eat bratwurst now and again if I can find the right mustard (always a challenge!).
When I approached my Doctor about my various complaints, he assured me that they were the result of the Chemo. That is comforting in a way. It means that after the Chemo that they should go away. A lot of the complaints that I have would normally be classified as having to do with aging...but not mine, ha. So, I guess I am missing out on the growing old creaks and aches.
I still try to accomplish some small tasks every day. I think that it is vitally important to stay active and try to do constructive tasks. If one just gets up and eats and decides it is too painful or hard to do anything and then goes back to bed--well, your body will just get weaker and your self-worth will slide and you become a great candidate for depression. I would rather attempt something and find that I am unable to finish it than to not try at all.
Speaking of which...I am working on a new hat:
All in all I am winning this battle---with the help of excellent Medical staff and a wise and caring oncologist. My friends and family along with their caring and prayers have helped immensely. My Church is always there for me--even when I can't attend as regularly as I would like.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am making sure to put graffiti on the walls of the tunnel and continue to dance along the tracks of said tunnel !!!
Life is Good....Life is an Adventure !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Mardi Gras
Well, the Valentine decorations are still up but my wife noticed Mardi Gras was on the Calendar for next Tuesday, so she has begun to set the household theme for that.
She made a nice beef roast today in the slow-cooker. With carrots, onions and potatoes. It smelled so good all day that I could hardly wait to dive into it! It was great !
I was in a lot of pain off and on all day. I thought that I had been really lucky with my chemo side effects until a couple of days ago. Today it felt like both of my knee caps had been broken. Then it felt as if each of my ribs were being broken and then put back together. I had a lot of tingling and numbness in my fingertips and toes...intermittent. My back felt like I had been standing for days. All of this was coming and going throughout the day. And, at one point, it felt as if someone had grabbed my left ear and was trying to rip it from my head. It hurt but it was more of a nuisance because it would hurt to a crescendo and then subside. I know now what people have told me about having flu symptoms and roller coaster moments from the chemo. I called my Dr. the other day to confirm an appt. for next week and then asked when my next chemo would be. She sounded kind of quiet and sympathetic (though I didn't divulge any problems) and said that the Dr. would always see me first before scheduling a chemo...just to make sure I was ready and able to have another session. I didn't realize what she meant at that time...but, I do now, ha.
Well, I guess I have a lot coming up as they treat my cancer. I am not afraid or worried...somewhat concerned, but I know that, in the end, that I will feel better. That I will have some relief and normalcy to look forward to.
I am still eternally grateful for my family and friends and clowns and the Church and the Lord.
I take one or two walks everyday to keep myself moving and to have some exercise so that I can remain strong. And, I try to visit friends every few days to keep a social pattern. And, of course, the internet keeps me connected.
Tomorrow is another day...another adventure...more chances to look for Light and Laughter and to look for ways to help others.
She made a nice beef roast today in the slow-cooker. With carrots, onions and potatoes. It smelled so good all day that I could hardly wait to dive into it! It was great !
I was in a lot of pain off and on all day. I thought that I had been really lucky with my chemo side effects until a couple of days ago. Today it felt like both of my knee caps had been broken. Then it felt as if each of my ribs were being broken and then put back together. I had a lot of tingling and numbness in my fingertips and toes...intermittent. My back felt like I had been standing for days. All of this was coming and going throughout the day. And, at one point, it felt as if someone had grabbed my left ear and was trying to rip it from my head. It hurt but it was more of a nuisance because it would hurt to a crescendo and then subside. I know now what people have told me about having flu symptoms and roller coaster moments from the chemo. I called my Dr. the other day to confirm an appt. for next week and then asked when my next chemo would be. She sounded kind of quiet and sympathetic (though I didn't divulge any problems) and said that the Dr. would always see me first before scheduling a chemo...just to make sure I was ready and able to have another session. I didn't realize what she meant at that time...but, I do now, ha.
Well, I guess I have a lot coming up as they treat my cancer. I am not afraid or worried...somewhat concerned, but I know that, in the end, that I will feel better. That I will have some relief and normalcy to look forward to.
I am still eternally grateful for my family and friends and clowns and the Church and the Lord.
I take one or two walks everyday to keep myself moving and to have some exercise so that I can remain strong. And, I try to visit friends every few days to keep a social pattern. And, of course, the internet keeps me connected.
Tomorrow is another day...another adventure...more chances to look for Light and Laughter and to look for ways to help others.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine Day
Had a nice, relaxing day with my beautiful wife...we stayed home...she decorated the house with a Valentine Tree and lots of hearts. I made some balloons---Hearts. Hopefully, today we can go out and do something together.
It has been nearly a week since my first chemo and I was doing fine. Today I started getting all sorts of little pain explosions. It felt like needles and knife wounds popping-up all over my neck and head and shoulder and chest. They were brief and irritating. Then, when they finally subsided, my joints and bones started aching. I couldn't get comfortable standing or sitting and it is still difficult to just lie down. We were able to have a nice dinner, pizza rolls and ice cream and fritos...snacking feels better than a full meal right now.
We are both really independent so I am uneasy when she has to see me so uncomfortable. She will do anything for me, but I guess I just don't want to feel like I can't be doing anything. My appetite is still fine and I have a happy mindset. I am motivated, yet I feel helpless. There is pain, then 2 hours of relief and as I get motivated to start working on something---the pain comes back. It would be nice if it would be a little smoother...more predictable.
We'll just have to ride these next few days out and see what happens. The weather should be nice enough that we can maybe go for walk. I am fortunate and happy to have such a good wife and companion...
It has been nearly a week since my first chemo and I was doing fine. Today I started getting all sorts of little pain explosions. It felt like needles and knife wounds popping-up all over my neck and head and shoulder and chest. They were brief and irritating. Then, when they finally subsided, my joints and bones started aching. I couldn't get comfortable standing or sitting and it is still difficult to just lie down. We were able to have a nice dinner, pizza rolls and ice cream and fritos...snacking feels better than a full meal right now.
We are both really independent so I am uneasy when she has to see me so uncomfortable. She will do anything for me, but I guess I just don't want to feel like I can't be doing anything. My appetite is still fine and I have a happy mindset. I am motivated, yet I feel helpless. There is pain, then 2 hours of relief and as I get motivated to start working on something---the pain comes back. It would be nice if it would be a little smoother...more predictable.
We'll just have to ride these next few days out and see what happens. The weather should be nice enough that we can maybe go for walk. I am fortunate and happy to have such a good wife and companion...
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