Why Are You Shouting?

So far I am feeling pretty good. Time doesn't mean a whole lot to me right now, but I know that after my first Alimta treatment, I was very, very, very tired. The steroids and B-12 and folic acid struggled to keep me afloat and standing up and it did that-- but it only made me more fatigued. Anyway, I feel better now and I feel like I have my mind back. For seven months this year it was a struggle to focus on a steady stream of thought. And, I had that "Chemo-brain" for a time that made me forget who I was and where I was. So, I am busy exploring Mars again and I am becoming fascinated with world events and, simply, Everything !  Probably the steroids ! I clowned at a picnic yesterday and felt normal and wasn't too tired afterward. Of course, I have another treatment coming up in a week or two so we won't think about that right now. I am just enjoying the Normal !
So, let me have a gentle rant about something:  the Chick-fil-a thingie. I know absolutely nothing about it ! Why? Because everybody is Shouting !  I love to surf the web and talk to people and look for the Truth, but in this case it is drowned-out by all of the shouting.

                                               from the Aids Memorial Quilt

My older brother died from Aids when he was only 47 years of age. Very young and very tragic. I loved him and looked-up to him and respected him. I knew that he was gay when we were still in high school. He was somewhat tormented because he had a crush on someone far away. And, he was also afraid of what my parents would think. I remember they offered to take him for counseling. Mainly because he needed to talk to someone who knew about the societal problems he might face and also so that my parents could gain more understanding. Of course, I wasn't in on all of the conversations so I don't know what all was going on. I know that they were determined to be accepting.
I am going to touch on a few different things here, mainly because they shape my perceptions and dialogue.
So, I know someone  close who was gay. And, had AIDS.
For a time, I was homeless in the Cincinnati area and I used to run errands for disabled people, for elderly people and for AIDS patients. At one point I was able to obtain an apartment in Covington, Kentucky and I occupied it for some 7-8 months until I (and the rest of the residents in the apartment complex) discovered that we had been paying our rent to someone who didn't even own the buildings. That's another story...
Anyway, I used to help out some of my neighbors who were illiterate. I would help them fill out forms or applications and I would help their children with their homework because their parents could not read or write. When they found out that I was helping AIDS patients, they were afraid to come to my apartment or let me into theirs. Why? Because they equated AIDS with a bad case of the flu and were afraid that I would cause a deadly outbreak! So, I tried patiently to explain the nature of the transmission of AIDS and I told them of my brother and how he only weighed about 28 lbs. when he died. I then called the local Health Department and had them send a representative over to talk to my neighbors (3 or 4 families). I even went so far as to go and have an AIDS test so they could see that their was no stigma attached to it, that I didn't have AIDS (because I hadn't engaged in any at-risk behavior---like blood transfusions or dirty needles or relationships with infected people, etc.).
It really helped to allay their fears and to educate them. In fact, my neighbors became sympathetic to the plight of the people I knew that had AIDS and began to help me run errands, secure services, etc.
Throughout my life I have always found that you can remove prejudices through a normal and patient discourse.
I have a lot of other examples that come to mind that deal with race and religion and country of origin..but, they all have a common denominator: unless people have a pleasant experience with another person, they are likely to find a reason to dislike them. "I don't like him because he has tatoos." or "I don't like her because she doesn't have any children."  Crazy reasons...

So now, back to Chik-fil-A...It is not only the Chik story but a lot of other madness that is going on
in the country today. People on both sides of an issue would rather throw tantrums than talk about it.
The news media picks up the shouting and nobody learns anything or even understands what the shouting is all about. Boston and Chicago want to ban the franchise from their cities? Do we all have to start putting on our national ID card what our sexual proclivities are? Do we need to avow that we are partial to redheads? Do we have to list such fetishes as patent-leather red shoes with 9-inch spikes? Does the ChikFilA chain meet customers at the door and ask them if they are in a relationship--and if so, with whom and what for and why?
I have heard so many versions of the story and so much ranting that I really haven't a clue as to what it is all about. All I know is that normal people express themselves in a culture through the way they depict themselves in Art and Literature, in the way they dress, in their music and in their dialogue.
When I go out to a restaurant, I don't walk in the door and shout at the top of my lungs, "How does the Owner feel about Dutch Elm Disease ?!!" 
If someone wants to know how I feel about Gays I will be happy to tell them. If someone wants to argue about it before I even give my opinion, then I will walk away. If someone wants to shout at me I will wait, patiently, for them to finish shouting and then I will be happy to listen to what is on their mind. But people who continually throw tantrums and scream and throw themselves on the floor and hold their breath until their face turns blue (I have nothing against blue faces) should try to calm down and clear their mind and start all over again...slowly, intelligently and politely. Otherwise, I won't be able to ascertain whether you really have a problem or are just over-tired and need a nice nap.
In this era of reality TV and all of the melodrama of acting immature to get your way, people are starting to tune-out and move onto meatier issues. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe we can look around and see people that are quietly suffering with poverty or health issues and we can lend a hand. Maybe we can slip away from all of the shouting and find a quiet spot where we can meditate on things that are truly important in this country-- at this time. And, maybe when all of the wailing and gnashing of teeth abates, we can discover what all the ruckus was about...
One thing is for sure, no matter who you are or where you are from...if you see me out and about I will gladly make a Princess Wand or an Alien Sword for you --- out of balloons. And, it will be a pleasure to demonstrate the technique for handling them. Because I am a Clown and that is what Clowns do...and we do it with a smile !
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !

My Kingdom for a Nap

This new Chemo drug is a wee bit less than the other Chemo treatments. Whenever I would come home from the previous plan, I would feel fairly normal for a couple of days and would have various stabbing pains and aches...then, I would start feeling tired and would try to live life normally and be mildly amused by the pricks of pain as the drugs roamed in my body, zapping cells that seemed suspicious. This new drug, Alimta, mostly hands me extreme fatigue. I can get going, but I can't keep going. I feel so drained, even though they gave me B-12, folic acid, and steroids. My appetitite is still fine. A difference in the fatigue, though, is that it is unrelenting. Since Friday, I have tried to get some sleep--or even take a nap. I lie down and try to listen to podcasts (the usual: Bob and Ray, Writers and Company, Jack Benny, Laugh out Loud, et. al.). I may doze for a few minutes or even an hour, but I don't feel the satisfaction of a Rest. There is no rejuvenating REM's or warmth of a re-charge. I wake up just as tired and uncomfortable as when I first lay down.
This evening, though, I slept for about 3 hours and actually felt some relief ! And, then, my wife and I watched the season opener of Warehouse 13 on Scy-fy and I fell asleep in the last 5 minutes of the show. But, woke after 20 minutes and was mildly refreshed. So, maybe I will be able to handle some of  these side effects with the Alimta.
I have gotten out and about and have done some housework and even tried to do some yardwork. But, I get so tired so quickly, that I can't sustain much activity. Maybe now that I am getting some refreshing naps I will begin to get some semblance of energy. There are some clowning things I want to do this week and I am going to try to do them. Seems like in the last couple of months, whenever I have lined-up 3 or 4 major activities in a week, I can usually do at least 2 of them. We'll see--and I will try to perservere!
My Hair is roaring back ! I was fairly used to my bald pate and everyone else seemed to enjoy it. When you are bald, you have no limit on hats and wigs and funny stuff to put on your head ! A side effect of this new drug is possible hair loss so it might be two steps forward and one step back. Who knows? Anybody? I have been shaving every day for the last couple of weeks also. All I need is for my voice to start changing and it will be like going through a second Puberty ! I am actually getting some acne, too.
Here is a picture from a Block Party in Fairborn in 2009. I was walking a Premonition of my fallen hair! People would come up and say, "That's not a real dog !"  To which I always reply, "Of course it is and his name is JoJo!"  Relenting later, I would confess that it was my Hamster named JoeJoe and he was disguised as a dog so the cats wouldn't go for him !

I have been reading some forums and following some more Cancer blogs. It is hard to pay attention to all of them, but I try. I try to learn from them--at least compare my experience. One blog, in particular, that I read is by SK, a man from Malaysia.His Blog--Living With Lung Cancer He has an amazing faith in the Lord and a lot of good information and insight. Keep him in your prayers and send him an email--or at least some good vibes. Knowing that there are people out there, no matter how remote, that care and acknowledge you, means a lot. This is a lonely journey--make no mistake about it !

I receive a lot of support from family and friends....and, no matter how social I try to be and how much I try to stay focused or happy or whatever, it still feels like this battle is so personal and mysterious that it can only be fought alone. The Lord heals. The doctors treat. The people around me help out in amazing ways. In the final analysis, the thought process is always on guard, alert, watching and waiting. The brain cells listening for any sign of redemption. Any pain or ache or discomfort is merely a sign of cancer--a given. What I watch for is normalcy---continued normalcy. There are patterns of fatigue and sickness and pain. But, I watch for a pattern of normalcy. If I do this, will I have energy? If I eat this will I feel better? If I go for a walk and smile at someone, will I feel a glow inside?

The Cancer seems as if it can act without reason or retribution. If it is knocked down, it doesn't seem to care because it knows it is always a threat to you and no matter how weak or strong you might feel, it can come back and attack you at anytime. I can ignore it and keep on keeping on, which I mostly do...but it is a constant nag. It is the opposite of how one lives a life. We mostly notice when we don't feel well. With cancer, I know that I am not well and that doesn't bother me. What I am watching for is feeling Normal. It is an odd turn of events and it takes some concentration. Is this a normal feeling? Will it last?

Anyway, this round of Chemo seems to be going well. My Red Nose is still on straight and my smile is as big as ever ! I feel strong and I feel Happy.

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Here I Go Again

I have begun a new treatment of a Cancer Preventive drug called Alimta. You can read more about it here:  ALIMTA

This drug will maintain the effect of my initial Chemo treatments and help to keep the cancer from re-appearing in another form. I believe in my soul that the Lord has healed me... and, I know from the previous medical treatments that my Doctors have been doing everything they can and that the PET scans and blood tests and CAT scans show that my Cancer has been checked and knocked out.
There is a possibility that the cancer can creep back into my body however, and I have chosen to continue with this new treatment in hopes that it will help others that are faced with this choice. If it works, of if it helps to extend my life and add some knowledge for future patients and future studies then it is a good thing. If I had chosen not to do this treatment and lived another 5 years...who knows...if I take this treatment and live another 5 years, they will be able to tell if it was the result of the treatment or if the treatment was negligible...and, that would be good knowledge for the drug company and for the future patient.
The infusion last only about 15 minutes, but they again filled me with premeds and gave me a B-12 shot. All of the premeds and the B-12 seemed to be to help with my energy levels...I wasn't given these with my other Chemo drugs and they really wore me out...so, this stuff must be powerful ! When I got home, I had been stuck about 3-4 places !  Anyway, no ill effects and I went for a walk afterwards and then ate an egg and drank some ginger ale. I grabbed some SOBE water(Hooray for SOBE, I need to write them), the only good stuff I can find, along with Grapefruit juice--NOT from concentrate-- that is all natural and does not ruin the experience with a lot of sugar or Sucralose...I can't believe they sneak that stuff into SunnyDlite orange juice, local home-made Mehaffies Apple Pies, Five-hour energy drink, Fuze, etc.
I know they must get a good price cut, but if their customers perceive (wrongfully or rightfully) that sucralose and aspartame cause medical problems and they lose a lot of good customers, then was it worth it...there are a lot of Dummies and Gamblers in the business world and they realize their idiotic mistakes much too late...think with your heart and head, not with you wallets and your crotch !
So, so far I am feeling pretty good. My last chemos kicked into high gear 3 days later and lasted a week or more with bad energy and roving pains...but manageable. I fully plan to kick back hard at this treatment...I am going to look for work and try to get off disability...it doesn't pay the bills and I don't want anything holding me back from enjoying life...even if I can work part-time, I should be able to afford extra ice-cream and balloons and what-not...
Anyway, the treatment today actually lasted from 8am to Noon because of the premeds and watching for reactions and getting blood results. the nurse was surprised that I was Stage IV Lung Cancer and looking and doing so well !  And, all of the nurses had to laugh when I read them that a side effect of Alimta might be that my hair would fall out....It was just starting to GROW-BACK !!!!
  Oh well...

Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Clowning Sources

People are always asking where I get my wacky ideas when I am clowning. Most of the time they just pop into my head. Of course, when a clown is in the Element, the more things go wrong the better the clowning goes. We are going to have balloons pop while we are blowing them up and it always elicits a laugh. Most clowns have a line that they use when that happens, i.e. "I meant to do that!" or "Is someone making popcorn?". If a magic trick goes awry it is a good thing for a clown. In fact, there are magic tricks provided for clowns that feature a failure!
I just noticed that a well-known clown is on Facebook ( and we friended each other). His name is Bubba and he has a wealth of ideas. I have attended more than a few of his classes at Clown Conferences and I remember one time in particular that he was talking about the clowning opportunities he finds in his numerous travels. He said that he was at a truck stop, or restaurant, and noticed the restroom signs and saw an opportunity to clown around. I should mention that he also has a clown ministry. He said that it popped into his cranium that he should attach the letter "A" in front of the sign for the Men's room. Now, clowns don't steal other clown's gags, even though they might give permission. So, if you are in a truck stop or at a restaurant and see an altered restroom sign, you can be sure that Bubba was there! He has an active clown mind and is always looking for opportunities to share some wackiness.
Bubba also has an amazing clown store. Whenever someone asks where I get some of my gags or props I always use my standard line, "From the Secret Clown Store!" It is not that I don't want civilians messing around with Clown Stuff, it's just a line that I came up with one time when I couldn't remember where I had actually bought the thing...but, I will share the link to Bubba's Clown Supplies because he has the biggest variety of any clown store ! **** click on this ---> BUBBA

That is a part of clowning. Seeing something normal and finding a way to inject some humor into it.
I posted a video yesterday that demonstrates that attitude:

Clown Nose Life Extension (video link)

Someone asked how I thought of leaving the nose in the package and I figured that it popped into my head as I was just looking at the package...but, upon further reflection, I realize that it must have been a subconscious explosion from an experience from my toddler years. You see, my mother used to give my brothers and I a treat occasionally and I remember how she would sometimes give us suckers that still had the cellophane on them. The little, colorful suckers with the white stick. We would have them in our mouths while we were playing and after an hour of tasteless enjoyment, we would lay them down. My mom would notice this and then take the wrapper off. Voila! A brand new sucker--with Flavor !!! Years later I asked her about this and her only explanation was that we were fairly poor and, we being so young and gullible, the suckers would last all afternoon!
My father also had a weird sense of humor. I remember him and my mom arguing (mildly) one time about toys. He mentioned that he never had any toys while he was growing-up. My mother responded by saying that he was "full of it" because he was spoiled because he was an only child. My father said, no he didn't have any toys. But, growing-up on a farm, he remembered one time when his mother was out in the barnyard and looking for something for dinner. He said she grabbed a duck and wrung it's neck and then proceeded to clean it. When she was finished, she called my dad over and handed him the duck's bill and told him to go play. He said he ran around the barnyard all afternoon with that duck bill in his hand and yelling "Quack, Quack, Quack...". He said that was the only toy he remembered and that ended the argument in a hail of laughter !
So, I don't know where my ideas actually come from. I only know that having been exposed to parents with a wonderfully skewed sense of humor and by attending Clown Conferences...and by always looking for the "Zany" in my life experiences--there is always a treasure trove of ideas.
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!

Proud as a Peacock (and Just as Pretty)

      (credit: Sunflower Clowne)
I was able to participate in the Fairborn Parade for the 4th of July this past week! And, I walked nearly the whole thing !
In Klown Kollege we were taught to cover our arms and if our neck was bare, we should apply make-up to the front and sides and back of the neck. However, it being so very, very hot on the 4th, I chose to wear my Red Skelton T-shirt with a pair of formal shirt cuffs w/jeweled cuff-links. I took my new, formal jacket replete with medals and colorful epaulets and made good use of it when I passed the viewing stand.
The Giggles and Grins Clown Alley had a sparse attendance, possibly due to the heat. Mickey, Boof, Sunflower, Good Grief and Wally were there. The crowd was surprisingly large and, as always, very appreciative of the Spectacle. I passed a few stickers out to the audience as well as a very few, select clown noses.
I walked the first portion of the Parade and as we neared the viewing stand I climbed into the GnG truck and put on my Jacket. But, I was able to walk four-fifths of the Parade! I don't know how I did it. Possibly because I had a B-12 shot a few days prior and was starting on a regimen of Folic Acid, I don't know. Maybe it was because I was so excited to be able to attend my first parade for this year. I started the year taking fairly long walks, but back in April or so I found that I could only walk a hundred yards or so before my energy gave out.

So, I was very proud to be able to walk in the Parade! And, I fully expected to pay dearly for it the next day. However, I wasn't sore or overly-tired! The weather has remained hot and even though I had some more events to do, I decided that I had better not push my luck and so I have pretty much stayed home for the days since the Parade.
I really want to being doing more and hopefully I will get the chance. Right now, though, I need to re-build my strength in order to start my new Chemo treatment on the 21st of July. The previous 6 Chemos took a lot out of me and I have no idea what this new drug will be doing with me. As soon as I start the treatment and can see how well I am doing on it, I may be able to start volunteering again at the library and looking for some other opportunities. I certainly hope so.
With regards to Cancer, I have been thinking about how fortunate I am to be doing so well, It is a real shock to one's lifestyle to realize that every change in your body makes you immediately think of the Cancer. I used to think that my aches and pains were related to aging or my bad back. When I got some sniffles I figured that I was getting allergies or a cold. But, not anymore. Any little change in my health immediately raises red flags and I wonder if the cancer is coming back to attack me again. Of course, some things I wonder if the Chemo is responsible, but it is always at the forefront of my thoughts that Cancer is going to try to do me in. No matter how much I try to ignore it or put it out of my mind, it is just something that won't get out of my thoughts. I would imagine that anyone that has been diagnosed with cancer feels this way. Even if you find that the cancer has been defeated or pushed into remission, you are always on the alert for signs that it is back knocking on your door! Bummer...I should just roll with the punches and joke about it...maybe someday I will.

                                                 Sunflower, Boof and Careful the Clown (credit: M.Thompson)

                                                  Sunflower, Careful the Clown and Mickey(credit: M.Thompson)

I am so happy to have been in the Parade! And, happy to hang out with my Clown Buddies! And, Proud to have been able to walk so far with the Parade!
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !!!