What Day is This ?

Well, I had my 4th Chemo last Friday the 20th of April. I slept through most of it, as I usually do. It takes 7-8 hours and there is no sense in trying to read or watch TV or think great thoughts. I usually turn on my MP3 and listen to Bob and Ray archives or Canadian podcasts: Writers and Co., The Next Chapter, Laugh Out Loud...which brings this annoyance to mind. I remember vinyl records, 8 tracks and cassettes. If you were listening to a song or book and missed something or wanted to review it, you could REWIND...not so with MP3's -- at least, I haven't found that magic key. But, the podcasts that I like to listen to are worth repeating from the beginning so I guess it is all right. Except for Car Talk. That podcast is so frenetic that the laughter and nonsense doesn't reach the level of laughter the 2nd and 3rd time around. Although it is educational in an odd sort of way if you want to know how many different types of noises signal transmission and brake problems...maybe.

So, I had my Chemo and was tired afterward from all the sleeping that I experienced. Saturday, I got out for a bit and then went to Church to enjoy some fellowship and music and the Pastor asked me to give a testimony about my Cancer. From the beginning I have been at Peace. I have never thought of a Bucket List. I have always been worried and concerned about others. My trust in the Lord is that he will give me the Patience, Wisdom, Strength and Love to bring me along this journey--no matter where it leads.
I visit Gary and Susan several times a week and yesterday as I was leaving they gave me a card. It was a beautiful card and it had a scripture inside:  "Thus says the Lord...I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you."  Isaiah 38:5
Oddly, I have no tears. I have been reading some Cancer blogs tonite and they are informative and a lot of them have common threads. I was talking with a friend the other day who went through treatments and she mentioned that each person and each cancer and each treatment is different. I had heard this from some other survivors. Reading the blogs re-inforced that notion. A person's genetic makeup and their reponses to treatments are all so individual that it is hard to compare them. But, one thing seems common and that is a quiet understanding that it is out of your control and you have to trust your Doctors, the Staff, your caregivers and the Lord...as well as your inner soul.
I am perplexed at how some fighters continue to be so active and continue to work. But, then I also find that some are put at a complete standstill. I think I am somewhat in the middle. I feel motivated and interested in doing things but it is as if my battery has a short life and as soon as I start on something, I have run out of energy. My joints hurt to the point of annoyance but it is not overwhelming. I have a great appetite but it is negated by a bitter taste in my mouth for the first week after I have Chemo. When I broke my back years ago, I was able to tweek my activities and find ways to get relief and discover things that would aggravate the condition. But, with this cancer, there is no roadmap. No two days are the same. What might work one day does not work the next. I am resigned to just going with the flow and watching and waiting. I think that is the most disconcerting thing about cancer. It is out of your control. I am amazed at how professional and nice my Doctor and his staff and the Hospital are. I am comforted by my friends and church and the Lord. I know that although I have little control over this, except to be a good patient and a good person, that what happens will happen and it will be a mystery. I am saying this because when I read the blogs of cancer patients, they seem to have a lot of inner peace in common....and, then, some of them just STOP....cut-off! One moment a person is just blogging away and then there are no more entries. I find myself looking at the dates to see how current they are. Blogging away with hope and satisfaction and peace and then...nothing. The stories are all so very important, though. Such full and vibrant lives with friends and family. The living and the passed. I don't see any depression or hopelessness in these blogs. I didn't want to read any cancer blogs because I thought that it would be depressing. But, I found just the opposite. I found that there are such meaningful people and lives that walk this uncertain journey. They are living and planning up until the last blog entry.
Tonite there is an Alley meeting. Clowns. I am looking forward to it. We had our Birthday Party last month and will be getting photos from that shindig tonite. I will be anxious to see them. And to visit with the clowns. You would think that it is all frivolity and a circus atmosphere...you would be mostly right ! I believe LullaBelle and Zilcho have a program planned about Storytelling and Drawing. Actually, the listing says LullaBelle, but Zilcho is never far behind. They are the best pair of Clowns I have ever seen working together...really.
I am not sure how to link to the blogs I have read tonite...but I will post 3 and then mess around with this blog later to see how to link them on the menu. Seems google has changed their dashboard and I haven't investigated it yet. So, for now, have a look at some other blogs and Life is Good, Life is an Adventure...
Fawn's Journal
Melissa Waller lung cancer
sk Living with lung cancer