To Chemo or Not?

I will be having my next Chemo with Alimta this Friday, August 31st. I may have one more, I don't know...this past year has been a roller coaster of pain, fatigue and some normalcy. With Alimta, I have about 10 days of feeling normal. I have extreme fatigue for a few days after the treatment and then again for a week before the next one. I don't know how bad the cancer would be---probably pretty bad, but the Chemo really takes a toll on me. I am growing weary of it.
After reading other blogs and the forums, I have found that a lot of people dis-continue the treatments for a time.
I trust in the Lord and know that he has brought me healing. I also trust that he will give me guidance and wisdom for my decision. He has a plan for me whether it is on this Earth or in Heaven.
I have begun to get depressed and even pondered the idea to quit Clowning. Something that I don't want to do. I need to focus on finding another job to start paying my medical bills and to get back on my feet financially. It is hard to live month to month on fifty dollars. I tried to sell balloons, but that is not how I clown. It takes the fun out of it when you are clowning just to make some bucks and not to spread some smiles. I am sure that I spread smiles while I am selling balloons and I do have fun. At the end of the day if I have only sold 3 balloons and clowned for 5 hours then I feel like I am a failed businessman and not a successful clown. I would rather just be a successful clown. So, I will put clowning on the back-burner and go to work and when I find some free time, I will go back to Clowning.

Our Clown Alley had our meeting this last Tuesday at the Boss Clown's church. It is a huge church with a children's area that is themed to look like a movie theater. We had the meeting and then watched some videos of Red Skelton and Carol Burnett. It was great fun! And, we had popcorn and pink lemonade!

There is a parade this Monday, Labor Day, at the Kettering Holiday at Home celebration. I haven't decided yet whether I will participate or not. I love parades...but...coming on the heels of my Chemo and my worrisome mind, I don't feel like I would be able to give it my all. And, far be it from me to let down my clown buddies or my legion of fans...I just don't feel like I could cope with it mentally or physically.
I have been praying for direction and understanding. What will be, will be.
Tomorrow is another day...
Life is Good...Life is an Adventure !