Several people have told me that when the Chemo is finished that my energy, stamina and motivation will return to normal. I certainly hope so. And, my surgeon said that my lungs should be in better shape than when I started.
I sat down at the computer several times this past week to work on this blog and several other things but I couldn't maintain the energy to keep a steady stream of thought. And, where I used to spend an hour or two on facebook, now I can only spend maybe 20 minutes to a half an hour.
The second week after Chemo usually finds me feeling pretty normal...we'll see.
When the news of Donna Summers' death came out this past week and I learned that she had lung cancer, it was resident in my thoughts. She wasn't a smoker and felt that the 9/11 event had a hand in her condition. I read somewhere that over 1000 people that were exposed to the dust and pollutants from that day have died since then.
I haven't taken the time to find out how a person dies from lung cancer. I have asked my doctors and it seems that the spreading of the cancer can be a factor or pneumonia (I would think aspiration pneumonia would do you in). Sometimes when I have to lay down I wonder if the spark of life just goes out...I mean, there is tiredness and fatigue and malaise...but, there are also times when I just feel like my LifeForce is fading and I hate to lay down, but I take my mp3 player with me that has a lot of comedy and futuristic lectures on it and I pray and then I just trust that I will awake later on. There is no fear or resignation, only the knowledge that one might wake in another world ! I have awoke with a start--sometimes because of acid reflux or sometimes because of a weird dream and sometimes for no reason at all. Early on, I used to wake up in a panic because I actually wasn't breathing and couldn't breathe ! I would jump out of bed and stand there and the panic would change to consternation when I realized that my lungs just wouldn't work. I would stand, willing my lungs to work and then, eventually, they would start again. It happened so often that it became too normal to worry about ! But, that has not happened in several weeks.
So, why am I calling this the Year of the Clown?
Well, aside from the prayers and support from family and friends and the medical community, I feel that my Clown has carried me through this ordeal.
I don't drive anymore...I may in the future...so my clowning is limited. I go out and about when I can safely carry enough energy along, and visit businesses uptown or friends and when I am en route and I encounter people that are happy to see an obvious Clown out and about, I hand out stickers and clown a wee bit. It has energized me and kept my spirits rolling right along! I am hoping to do a lot of volunteering when I finish treatments and maybe do a few clown gigs. For now, I leave the house not as a civilian but as Careful the Clown. I may not wear makeup or my usual attire. But, my attitude and my hat and my red nose announce to the world that I am making my rounds !
I used to be a humorous sort and don the Clown when I was engaged to do so. I used to put the Clown away when it wasn't necessary or appropriate. This year, however, I have been in Clown probably 90% of the time !!!
I was musing on that the other day when I was wondering how I had missed 5 months of this year...and realized that, even though this past year has been a roller coaster and a blur, Careful the Clown has been smiling and spreading good cheer all along the way !!!
Life is good...Life is an Adventure !!!
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