Diagnosis update

I have a very capable oncologist...went to see him today and he was very informative and described what was happening to me. He said that radiation treatments were not appropriate in my case. Surgery is also not on the horizon, aside from removing some of the neck mass for study and to relieve some pain and other symptoms. The cancer is evidently in both lungs. As he talked to me about chemotherapy being a possibility, I asked him at what stage the malignancy was. He said, "Stage 4".  I had thought maybe it was Stage 3 which has a 50/50 chance, so I mentioned to him that I had just read some literature in his waiting room that pointed to Stage 4 being not curable...he looked at me, frowned a bit and then brightened, "Let's not worry about that, when we are able to get some more tissue we will know what chemicals will work for the type of cancer that you have. And, the chemotherapy may be able to slow it down or stop it from spreading."  Makes sense to me. I have every confidence in his ability and wisdom and dedication. I also have a tremendous faith in the Lord. Finally, I have an excellent support group of family, friends, church, and fellow clowns. Therefore, I am not alone in this fight and I am well-equipped to do battle. The curious thing of it all is that I am much more worried about my family and friends than I am about myself. I am an optimist and realist. I find humor and beauty and sweetness in nearly everything I encounter. I have always thought that if there were such a thing as Reincarnation that this must be my first trip through this Reality. Everything has always sparked a tremendous curiousity in me. Everyday of my life it has been as if I am seeing everything for the first time---probably justifies my failure to learn from mistakes, ha. But, I have always greeted each morning with such elation that many times people have turned to me to ask "What are you so happy about ?!" I have had my parade rained on many times, but I have never gone a day without a smile and a laugh. And, if I ever found myself in a moment of dread, I always had the hackneyed expression to rely on: "Someday we'll look back on this and have a good laugh!"
I wish I had the capacity for some depression or acute sadness or anger or frustration...some might say I am in a denial...no, I feel like I have been slammed with a heavy dose of dark matter...it's just that life is way too beautiful and interesting and I don't want to waste time on negative thoughts. I want to keep experiencing the blessings and happiness that lights the World around me...

Side Mission

I will continue to explore Mars, but will be also narrating a side mission. Back in November of 2011 I experienced a head cold which quickly moved into my lungs and stayed for about 2 weeks before I visited a doctor at a local clinic. They prescribed antibiotics and I recovered well. However, when I went to a follow-up one week later, I mentioned that a lymph node on my neck, near my collar bone, seemed to be swollen and growing and I was feeling some mild pain along my collar bone. They sent me for an ultra-sound and then a CAT scan.
On the 12th of December, I and some other clowns entertained at a luncheon banquet for kids with special needs and then I came home. Later in the afternoon the clinic called to say that the CAT scan showed a neck mass that was compressed on the jugular vein and I should go to a hospital right away. I asked if I could wait til the next day. They said no and to go right away--which I did. I was admitted. It was a Monday. During the week that I was in the hospital, I had another ultra-sound and CAT scan and a biopsy. Several doctors came by to examine me and all of them suspected a malignancy. I argued that I didn't have any other symptoms and that my blood work and everything showed no abnormalities. Although they thought that this was a good sign, they still suspected cancer.
Finally, on Thursday, a doctor came in and sat with me for half an hour and explained that I had advanced cancer and that it was most likely emanating from the lungs. I immediately began lobbying for release because they wanted to do a PET scan and an inscision and that would not take place til the first of the next week. I didn't want to lie in bed all weekend with nothing to do but worry.
I had been visited by 6 1/2 clowns ! Calls from my brother and son. Visits from my in-laws. Visits from my wife. Visits from friends. But, I wanted to go home and be somewhere familiar so that I could resume my usual activities and avoid too much dreadful thinking.
My pastor had called and visited me frequently. I was released Friday evening and went to church on Saturday evening. It is Christmas time and I am trying to experience the joys of the season.
Since the biopsy, I have had a lot more marked pain in my shoulder and left arm. I don't have trouble eating or swallowing or breathing.
Next week I have an appt with an oncologist who will interpret the PET scan that I had this past Monday and attempt to determine what stage the cancer is and where all it is located. Then, the first week in January I will have a Neck surgeon remove some of the neck mass to further study the type of cancer involved. Treatments should begin shortly thereafter.
By keeping this blog up-to-date, it is hoped that other people going through cancer diagnosis and treatment can compare notes and find some support and share information.
At the present I don't have any deep thoughts about this dilemma. As a clown, I know that laughter has healing properties. As a clown, I know that performing for others and sharing smiles enhances one's soul and affects one health.
As a Christian, I know that prayer is a power. I trust in the Lord and know that he will lead me through the outcome.
I had a really enjoyable 2011 with a lot of parades and clowning. 2012 should prove to be a challenge for my clowning if my treatments take a lot of time and energy. I will persevere and clown every chance I get ! And, I will continue to follow the news about Mars and the Science Laboratory and the Mars Society and Space tourism and Exploration. The coming year will be full of excitement and mystery.